Suspension of Service

Yes, I'm afraid to have to inform you that Sandy McManus has applied for leave to take early Winter hibernation, and shall be doing so with immediate effect. Fact is, there's far too many things going on in my life these days, and the mere thought of blogging obliges me to groan internally.

So I'll be lying very low, although I'll still be keeping an eye on things - just not allowing myself to pass the expected SM comment on the wild proceedings of one of the country's top industries, the Tefl Trade.

And don't forget to send in for my amusement those pearls of wisdom that pass for management in the UK Tefl scene. I'm going to need a fair bit of cheering up over the coming months!

Hast pronto, comrades!

PS: BTW, I've switched on the moderation facility for the comments. Got to keep that Windsor loony at bay!

Great TEFL Inventions

Sandy McManus is extremely proud to introduce a novel departure on The Tefl Tradesman - a critical look at new developments in the field of pedagogical hardware and technology. To those of my critics (apparently there are some) who feel I am an educational luddite, wholly unqualified to pass comment on any classroom contraption beyond a stick of chalk and the ever-present cat-o-nine-tails, I proudly say 'bollocks!'.

No. 1. The Communicative Chair
This comfortable item of classroom furniture has been designed exclusively with the communicative classroom in mind. Those rubber spikes bend and fold when the occupant first sits down, whilst inside them, the carefully concealed steel pins gradually release themselves on a timer mechanism. After ten short minutes, the occupant is forced to get up and do some pointless mingling activity, ask a spectacularly dumb information-gap type of question, or ask their class colleagues how many times they watch TV, eat ice-cream, and fall over drunk.

These essential items can also be used in the staffroom, to stop teachers from falling asleep, and as a means of preventing the homeless ones from adopting the teachers' room as their downtown residence. These seats are indeed extremely versatile, and no serious language school should be without one - or a couple of dozen.

No. 2. The Tefl Taser
This recent addition to the tools employed by the forces of law and order has now been adapted for use in the classroom, and is gradually replacing the electric cattle prod as a means of ensuring total classroom compliance. When students appear reluctant to participate in the teacher's favourite senseless activities and pointless games, a quick high-voltage blast from the Tefl Taser restores the party atmosphere and keeps them in the mood for more mingling! This most versatile of educational tools can also be used, when turned up to maximum, to incinerate students who cheat in tests or do anything that annoys the teacher. The DOS can also think of other interesting ways of using them too, no doubt!

These two modern tools of classroom management can, when used in tandem, provide the students with a rich learning environment. Can your school seriously do without them?

'Crap Jobs!' for (erm...) August!

OK, I know this monthly summary of the good, the bad, and the downright fuggin' ugly Tefl salaries on offer is more than a tad late already, but so what? I mean, is there any sane teacher out there who would actually consider applying for one of these dogshit jobs?

Oh, right ... I see.

Job	Nuthouse	Wonga
1-to-1 Teacher	King Street College, London	£20 per hr
Academic Manager	Margate Language Centre	Not Given
Academic Manager	EF, London	Not Given
Academic Manager	London Meridian College	Not Given
ADOS	Malvern House, London	£23-24k
DOS	Berlitz, Manchester	£22-£26k
DOS	IH, Belfast	£20 - £22k
EAP Teachers	EF, Oxford	Not Given
EFL Teacher	London Empire Academy	£10-15 per hr
EFL Teacher	Inlingua, Manchester	Not Given
EFL Teacher	Belgravia College, London	£10 per hr
EFL Teacher	TTI School, London	Not Given
EFL Teacher	Inlingua, Swansea	Not Given
EFL Teacher	EF, Cambridge	Not Given
EFL Teacher	ELT, London	£12.40 to £15.50 per hr.
EFL Teacher	Inlingua, Cheltenham	£20k
EFL Teacher	ABC School, London	£10 per hr
EFL Teacher	London Meridian College	£19-21.5k
EFL Teacher	King Street College, London	Not Given
EFL Teacher	West London Business College	£11.00 - £14.00 per hour
ESP (Law) Teacher	BBSI, Bournemouth	£19 - £20k
Senior Teacher	Bloomsbury International	Not Given
Senior Teacher	Berlitz, Manchester	£17,500-£18,500
TOEFL Teacher	Kaplan Aspect, London	18.69 per hr

Anyway, let's get straight on with dishing out the honours, shall we? I mean, for starters, how many of these esteemed TEFL employers are being a shade too secretive about the attractive salaries they're offering? Ten, it appears. Clearly they're worried about being deluged with applications if they publish their generous rates of pay, so I congratulate them on making the sensible decision to merely whisper 'salary on application', or similar. Cunts.

The other usual suspects are also there, namely BBSI in Dorset, who somehow think that they'll get an experienced legal wizard to work for them for an unbelieveably miserly 19 thousand quid a year. And Berlitz in Manchester - what about them, eh?! Offering a mighty 1500 quid a month for a Senior Teacher position - baah!! Cunts the two of them.

The traditional Sandy McManus 'Golden Fuck-off Award' goes to those providers of EFL tuition who manage to pay ten quid an hour or less, and this month I shall be informing the following schools of their entry (or permanent inclusion) in the McManus Hall of Infamy - the London Empire Academy, the ABC School, London, and the Belgravia Academy, London. You lot are cunts too.

13 ways to impress your students

I've been very glad to see that there are certain teachers on the TES forums who possess the same caring-sharing attitudes towards their students that I do. The brief excerpt below, containing suitable teacherly responses to the usual student complaint that “This is boring… !!” has been ever so slightly adapted to fit the EFL context. But the sentiments are as true as they have ever been.

"This is boring!!"

1. “Yeah, but not as boring as detention…”
2. “Bored are you? Let me check my ‘bovvered drawer’ (search in drawer) ‘nope, that’s empty” 3. “Good!”
4. “Maybe it is, but it needs to be finished by the end of the lesson so that you can go out to break.”
5. “Then make sure you learn it thoroughly… it’ll be even more boring if you have to revise it for a resit”!
6. “I didn’t realise you like me so much. Four lessons a week isn’t enough for you but hey, if you want to make it five during your lunch break, then I guess there’s not a lot I can do about it, except be flattered”
7. “Nope…..YOU are bored. There’s a difference.”
8. “What is that hideous noise? … Oh, it’s you.”
9. “I’m sure you’re trying to tell me something, but I’m not sure what.”
10. “What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? (gestures at self with both thumbs and smiles!)
11. "... so is listening to you whine, but you're making me do that."
12. "... not as boring as the job you'll end up with if you don't pass."
13. "Get out of my sight you ignorant little pustule. You have the fascination of the texture of a genital wart yourself, so how dare you suggest that my pronouncements on the glorious English language are not engaging and delivered out of a genuine desire to advance the well of human understanding in the community of global communication!?"

Eastbourne School of English

I received a fine piece of 'intelli' the other day regarding another crackpot TEFL outfit, this time on the south coast of England, an area that seems to suffer from a glut of such cranky tinpot businesses. So, step forward and take a bow, please ... the Eastbourne School of English, in particular the apparently litigous Principal, Graham Shite (that's him alongside), who appears to take a peculiarly unpleasant attitude towards his staff and students alike.

This school is an absolute bloody shower, particularly the management. After a Christmas break, one brilliant and exceptionally popular teacher was told he couldn't go back to work because the staff and students didn't like him. When pressed on details, the Principal refused to give any. When politely pressed again, he decided to send a solicitor`s letter to the teacher threatening legal action!

Even worse, one male student who was accused of sexually assaulting a female student was simply passed on to another school, without warning the institution of his background, where he then proceeded to get a 14-year old girl pregnant.

In the same vein, another male student tried it on with a 16 year old girl, who rebuffed him. He then complained to the management. Incredibly, the female student was then told that she had to leave the host family she was sharing with the aforementioned student!

There have also been problems with disabled students (both physically and 'special needs'), who frequently turn up only to find there are no suitable facilities for them.

All of the above problems have stemmed from staggeringly poor management. These shameless and despicable people really need to be held to account!

Actually, I'm really glad that this school has had the spotlight turned on it, albeit somewhat belatedly, as I once did a summer stint there. In fact, it was during that balmy summer of ... ooh, a good while back, that I first met the 'teacher' who was to become ... English Droid!

And the good news is that - he's back! No, not at Eastbourne, which would be a disaster of humungous proportions, as I'm sure you'd agree. No, in fact the stupendously hilarious English Droid blog has somehow reinvented itself, after an extended vacation of a couple of years or more, and made a reappearance here.

Unfortunately I am not the first to discover English Droid's renaissance, and his welcome return has already been widely reported around the TEFL blogosphere. One regular blogger even referred to the English Droid blog as having "more wit and less filth than the TEFL Tradesman" (thanks, Darren!), and the compliment has been duly noted.

Bastard!

The First 'Crap Job!' of the Academic Year!

Oh yes indeedy, I feel that the 'Crap Jobs' category is going to be one of this year's high achievers. Just take a look at this dose of diarrhoea that has issued forth from the pedagogical buttocks of Manchester Metropolitan University.

Not only are they paying woefully inadequate wages for this type of post, which usually attracts at LEAST thirty quid an hour, they are actually paying BELOW THE NATIONAL AVERAGE! Or, in other words, you could earn more by emptying bins or press-ganging motorists into having their windscreens cleaned at traffic lights.

EFL Tutors x 4 Languages - Academic English courses for International Students.
Manchester Metropolitan University
Fixed Term Contract - 2 years from appointment.
Salary: Grade 5: £20,327 - £22,879 per annum.

We are seeking to appoint four full-time EAP tutors on two year fixed-term contracts to teach on our intensive Academic English courses for International Students.
You will have a degree or equivalent in a relevant subject area, a DELTA or equivalent qualification recognised by the British Council and you will be an excellent team-player. A PGCE, Certificate of Education, PGCAP or membership of the Higher Education Academy or similar qualification is desirable.

So, not only do they want a teacher with degree and a DELTA or PGCE, they're looking for some sort of gullible twit who has joined the highly irrelevant 'Higher Education Academy'. And all for less then 2,000 quid a month?! What a SCREAM!!

But one thing, though - notice that there is no mention of any need for teaching or EAP experience in the advert. Clearly, they are not expecting applications from anybody who actually knows what they're doing!

And that's rather strange for a place that likes to promote itself as "The University for World-Class Professionals". Of course, I should have realised - they must have the 3rd world in mind, judging by the salaries they offer.

So, well done MMU. You've really got the 2010-2011 'Crap Jobs!' season off to a flying start!

"Yes, The Truth is an Odd Number, and Death is a Full Stop."

Indeed, I'm extremely sad to have to reveal that last Friday, the 13th of August (typical!), my life-time comrade-in-classroom capers, Dave the dodgy DOS, passed away, his drink-sodden spirit squelching its way heavenward in the late hours of the evening. Those cryptically wise words above were the sole substance of his final utterance, made as he gently lifted the last bottle of Fernet Branca to his quivering lips, before setting out on his pre-booked journey along Jacob's ladder (eh?!).

Actually it was MY bottle of FB he emptied, but let's not be too particular when discussing a man's departure from these mortal lands, eh? And as for the meaning of his ultimate pronouncement - I haven't a fuggin' clue!!

An Early Summer Bath

Shouldn't that be "Early Summer Break"? Well, maybe so, but I've been saving on water these past few years by only taking a bath once in every season. Apparently it's really good for the skin, and the smell doesn't get any worse after the first three or four weeks. You think I'm joking?!

Anyway, fact is that this blog will be dormant for the next couple of months - perhaps even until August - as Sandy departs for colder climes. It all depends how things go at my forthcoming resting place, pictured above. Y'see, my mate bought that pub, complete with stock, and swiftly boarded the place up, so's he could drink himself to death.

Only, the problem is, it's too much for him to drink alone, so he's invited me to stay with him until the booze obligingly shrinks and shrivels his liver and kindly dispatches him skyward. And I think he's also a bit worried about waking up dead one morning and having nobody around to get him buried. Poor fucker!

So, I've been volunteered into being the guy's guardian angel and getting him a proper Christian send-off. Otherwise, if the neighbours are the first to catch the sharp aroma of his lifeless pickled flesh, they'll send in the Social Services loonies - and they'll all drink what's left of his booze, the bastards!

No chances of that, mate - I'll be taking that!

Wanted - Chavs to Learn TEFL

So, I guess the inevitable has finally arrived. Any old dosser can become an EFL teacher now, as apparently the criteria for signing up for an EFL teacher-training course have become, in sympathy with the UK salaries, rock bottom. Well done to the UK's unregulated and unprincipled Tefl Trade for bringing us to this current dystopian state of affairs!

I mean, just have a butcher's at the criteria for entry from the latest advert from that paragon of ethical teacher-training, British Study Centres...

Applicants must:

• be at least 18 (It is generally recommended that candidates should be aged 20 or over, but candidates aged between 18 and 20 can be accepted at the centre’s discretion.)


• have an awareness of language and a competence in both written and spoken English, which will enable them to undertake the course and prepare for teaching a range of levels


• have the potential to develop the necessary skills to become effective teachers and to complete successfully the written assignments and the assessment of practice teaching.

So, not only do you not need a degree or higher education diploma of any kind, you don't even need an A-level or two. In fact, there's not a single mention of any academic or school-based qualification at all! Hats off to BSC for really scraping the bottom of the educational barrel here!

And just what do those rather guilty-looking phrases "an awareness of language" and "the potential to develop" really mean? More to the point, what are they trying to hide?

Presumably the first expression refers to the ability to differentiate between a noun and a verb, or is that a shade too demanding of the average 19-year-old scrotebag? Maybe if they can write "r u l8?" in standard English, they can make it on to the course, eh?!

Of course, the old cliche "potential to develop" can be skewed and screwed around to mean anyhing you really like, so it's quite meaningless here. How do they measure this 'potential'? Is it a visible entity, or does it come in the shape of the ability to pay the course fees?

Anyway, I've contacted the two charlatans responsible for press-ganging youngsters onto this course, but I'm still none the wiser yet. I wonder if they have any academic creds to speak of? Perhaps they'll be in touch after the weekend, the poor shameful souls.

Or maybe you'd be interested in having a chat with them? If so, you can contact the craven bastards as per below.

Good luck!!

BRITISH STUDY CENTRES SCHOOL OF ENGLISH

CELTA in Oxford: Steve Haysham, Head of Teacher Training, British Study Centres School of English, Oxenford House, 13-15 Magdalen Street, Oxford OX1 3AE. Tel: +44 (0) 1865 246620 oxford.tt@british-study.com

Trinity in Brighton: Anna Bate, Teacher Trainer, British Study Centres School of English, Fairfax House, 47 Cromwell Road, Brighton & Hove, BN3 3ER. Tel: +44 (0) 1273 731352 brighton.tt@british-study.com

UPDATE: BSC have some of the crappiest summer jobs I've seen in a very long time! Look here for some REAL STINKERS - from as little as 190 quid a week!!

Summer Schools - Seasonal Bonded Labour

Well, it's that time of the year again - time to slag off summer schools! But actually, as I've done this before (many times!) I think I'll just refer you to my previous scribblings before getting started on some new stuff.

OK, the truth is I'm feeling a bit uninspired for regular blogging these days, but I'm hoping the sight of some of my earlier eager-beaver stuff will get the creative juices flowing. Or maybe I should just crack open a couple of bottles of Old Speckled Hen, and get THOSE creative juices flowing, eh?!

summer school saturnalia [revisited]
May 31, 2009
In my previous posting about the sheer folly of committing yourself to a six-week sentence on a residential summer school, I promised (threatened?) to spill the beans on those other clowns in the equation, your 'professional' EFL ...

uk summer schools - a masochist writes...
May 27, 2009
Well, as the dreadful summer school season is swiftly marching towards us, I thought I'd dig out a few of my old 'dissertations' on the unfortunate subject, and present a sort of thematic approach to the coming few weeks' blogs on the ...

how to double your money at summer school!
Jun 03, 2009
Sincerely now, would you like to know how to make more money from your summer school than your employer intended to pay you? If so, read the piece below, kindly provided by a colleague of mine who has a legal background, and has put his ...

The TEFL Tradesman: Another Peek at TWIN
Jun 19, 2009
Let it serve as an example – one of the worst - of the genre of less-than-ideal summer Tefl employment. And remember - if you willingly sign up for this sort of punishment, you really only have yourself to blame! ...

Anyway, I do hope that's enough to keep you sterling Tefl troops going for a good while. I hope to be back here by the end of the week, insh'allah.