Fancy a Missionary Position?

Well, tough shit - you missed it! The deadline for applying for this prime Tefl post was March 22, but I still feel it's worth a gag or two!

According to blurb for this advert on tefl.com, "the Southall School of Languages and Missionary Orientation is looking for an experienced ELT Teacher to work from 2 to 12 April ... You will be teaching 3 - 6 hrs a day in a vibrant and muliti cultural town of Southall."

Surely that should be 'the vibrant and multi-cultural town of Southall', if they truly mean that sub-continental suburb in west London; but maybe it is just one of many 'muliti cultural' Southalls all over the third world. As for the poor spelling, I guess there's still a lot of missionary work to be done there still, especially in the basics of English.

Of course, the best thing about being a missionary is the warm fuzzy feeling of devotion and sacrifice you get when you pick up your negligible wages every week. This place will be no exception, as the SSLMO pays a Godless twelve quid an hour!

Still interested? Then give a quick call on 02085744456 to the DoS, who bears the uncannily traditional English name of Agnieszka Wiazowska. If she hasn't yet got herself lost in the swamps of deepest Southall, she might be able to fill you in on the muliti cultural charms of the area.

And you can teach her how to pen an advert in proper English too!

Easter Rising...

Sandy has decided to make a tentative reappearance, after a few weeks spent hiding from the usual gangs of loathsome lawyers waving writs and threatening to leave me naked and penniless by the roadside. Seeing as I have no wish to spend the rest of my days loitering around the sleazy streets of Skidrow-on-Sea in absolute penury, I have decided to succumb to the evil lawmongers and delete the offending posts.

However, if certain aggrieved students, teachers and lecturers would like to google 'LSBF News', they might find something to their advantage.

Meanwhile, my usual disservice to Britain's tacky Tefl Trade will be resuming very soon.

Welcome back!

PS: LSBF stands for 'Louder, Stronger, Better and Faster', just in case there's any misunderstanding here.

EF - the Tefl exploitation experts!

The latest offering to arrive in Sandy’s inbox concerns that well-known cheapo bunch of Tefl shysters and criminals, EF. Not for nothing, it seems, does EF stand for ‘Exploitation First’ – breaking employment laws, misleading punters, and undermining the teaching process are all just second nature to this gang of crooks. The story below relates to one of their summer courses in Oxford last year.

The website for EF Oxford’s ‘International Academy’ (which I am sure was only very recently a ‘Global Village’) invites us to “Study in the footsteps of famous thinkers and leaders”. It somehow manages to leave out the fact that those who unwittingly choose the summer programme will actually be studying in a football stadium on the outskirts of town, where foreign students are becoming increasingly targeted for muggings.

Of course, I only learned this crucial piece of information at my interview. The then ‘Town Leader’ finished up with “and of course, none of the classes will be here. They’ll all be at the Kassam.” 

“The football stadium?” I exclaimed. “Is there… a photocopier?” 

The Town Leader seemed to find my  reaction of shock quite inappropriate, and replied that there wasn’t a photocopier. However, the friendly Course Directors would be happy to photocopy for me if I gave them ‘one or two days notice.’

This was my first glimpse into the Empire of Evil that is known as EF, once English First, now Education First. Once you are familiar with the blue logo, you will never escape it; it is there, emblazoned on bags, pens, wallcharts, even a Routemaster bus.

The first thing we were taught at the EF training day was the importance of the wallcharts. These, they told us, were fundamental to the learning experience: even more so than, say, a classroom, with desks, or (heaven forbid) a whiteboard.

I arrived at 8:00 am to be presented with my all important wallcharts and some blue tack, to affix the said posters to the walls of the corporate football box that was to serve as my classroom. It soon became apparent that the blue tack would not take to the walls, and despite our efforts none of the posters stayed up for more than five seconds.

But this was not the most pressing matter.

I had, as the register that I had been given said, 17 students arriving in ten minutes, to which I would have to administer a test. I had 14 chairs with tiny, fold-over arms rests that served as desks and kept falling apart, no whiteboard, no pen, no CD player. When I went to the corporate meeting room assigned as the ‘Staff Room’ to ask the Course Directors where I could get these seemingly unimportant things, I only found some Activity Leaders being disciplined by their blue t-shirt-clad overlord.

17 students and a teacher in a corporate box is not a happy picture, especially in the height of summer and with no air conditioning or window to open. The only way I could fit everyone in was to put one student obstructing the door, and of course there was no desk or chair for me- only a flipchart whiteboard balanced at the back of the class.

When the students arrived they were all dehydrated, having been on a coach for two hours without any stop for refreshment. When I asked the Course Director where the water fountain was, she told me to ‘send them to the vending machines,’ as she wasn’t sure where the catering staff were, and that they usually provided us with jugs of water.

I ushered them down to the vending machines, which were all empty. When I returned, the Course Director had vanished again. I found an empty jug and some plastic cups on a table, gave it a rinse, and went to fill it in the toilets. It was that or let them go thirsty for the next 90 minutes of placement test.

It soon became apparent that the school was operating on a policy of lying and exploitation. None of my students had known that they would be studying in a football stadium on a housing estate - the website had lead them to believe that they would be amongst the ‘dreaming spires’ in EF’s main school.

They were also told that they would have an ‘international’ class, but this was a loose concept. One of mine had 14 of one nationality, with a couple of others chucked in.

Our Course Directors used bullying and emotional manipulation as a means of managing us. I was asked if I wanted to teach intensive classes over my lunch break. This would mean having no lunch break at all - teaching for 7 hours straight with only the ten minute breaks that always got taken up with the needless administration and student policing that EF seems to hold more important than having access to books, computers and a photocopier. I refused, and then was told that it ‘wasn’t fair’ on my colleagues who would consequently ‘have more work’ which we should ‘all share out’.

The same policy was employed for the discos and weekend outings. The CDs and Town Leader would routinely say at meetings, ‘teachers, we KNOW you’re tired, but you ALL must come to the megaparty. And don’t forget to learn the EF Dance! Everyone must know the EF dance.’  Apparently being able to wave your arms in time to a song (which, coincidentally, I am quite certain is about underage prostitution) is more important than having a TEFL qualification when you work as an EF teacher.

The after-school meetings generally involved the teachers being told off for not collecting enough sign-ups to trips or selling ‘fun packs’. We often raised the issue that teachers were not getting drinking water and were consequently getting dehydrated, but this was never resolved. I soon gave up on the idea of having any kind of support as the Course Directors were often nowhere to be found, or busy barking orders into mobile phones.

One of the most laughable things about EF’s curriculum was the ‘Project.’ Each class was assigned 3 netbook computers on which they had to, in groups, make movies about their ‘ Fantastic EF experience’ and then upload them to youtube. The best one was to win an Ipad. They had to start this shameless marketing ploy in their first week, when they had barely had any EF experience at all, and the netbooks kept crashing.

These sessions generally involved three students working on the netbooks, while the rest asked me repeatedly why they had to do it, and whether they could include something about getting mugged on the way to the stadium, or how their host families were not feeding them enough.

What I found most disconcerting about EF is its use of questionnaires. EF Oxford had previously received a high student satisfaction rating from last year’s questionnaires. When it was our turn to give them out, our manager had some valuable advice for us. “If you see that they have put a sad face, try to get them to change it”, she said. “Remind them about how much fun they’ve been having. Teachers, we don’t want to see any sad faces. And remember to put your wall charts up - there’ll be an inspection tomorrow.” We were urged to make the classes as enjoyable as possible, to avoid the sad faces of shame that would mark us out as unworthy teachers.

However, my lessons often became devoted to fixing chairs, finding water for thirsty students, and listening concerned for my students’ welfare as they told me the dubious details of their living situation, or vented their anger at having been misled by the EF website. Having no projector, no photocopier, very limitedspace and only EF’s course books, filled with errors, senseless exercises and trashy topics, this was a quite a task. However, once you have taught in these conditions, anything seems possible.

In short, it was a true TEFL baptism of fire.

I urge any student (or teacher) thinking of EF Oxford to run for their lives.

OK, so a true horror story there, the sort that only EF can inspire. Does anybody else have similar tales of woe to tell about EF? I'm sure there must be hundreds!

Living Language Tree

I'm extremely happy to dish the proverbial dirt on another typical Tefl toerag who serves to drives down standards in our wonderful industry. If you ever have the misfortune to meet this specimen, don’t trust him as, according to the correspondence below, he is an accomplished liar and bullshitter.

The man’s name is Ralph Connor, and his dodgy Tefl operation goes under the name of the Living Language Tree (http://www.livinglanguagetree.com/). He describes it as a “training organisation”, but in truth he is a solo operator who hires either his drinking partners or newly qualified TEFL teachers with no experience. Worse, he continues to hire people entirely without teaching qualifications to teach classes of teenagers ranging from 12 to 15 years old. He is unable to work with children in the UK, due to his previous conviction for drug offences. He has also hired teachers who have drug convictions and who are forbidden from teaching in the UK. His stable of teachers is very small and consists largely of his dubious “mates”.

His website is a master class in bullshit and spurious claims. He claims to represent a “community of experts”, and offers services like “specialist research” and “teacher training and voice coaching”. However, he is not qualified as a teacher trainer or a voice coach, and his only research tool is Wikipedia. He is not a specialist in any subject except the brewing industry.

He is hired to run English courses by a number of schools in Austria for children aged 12 to 16. These schools are in Klagenfurt (Bundesreal Gymnasium, Klagenfurt-Viktring, 9073 Klagenfurt-Viktring), Linz (BG/WRG Gymnasium, Kornerstrasse Linz) and Baden. You can find an example of his achievements with Austrian children here.

He has employed some very dubious individuals who have no TEFL qualifications at all. For instance, his website states that he provides filmmaking course, which is combined with TEFL instruction. When asked about this course and whom he had in mind as a teacher, Mr Connor confessed that the man he had in mind was a fellow drinking partner. When questioned further (he was quite drunk at that time, which is probably why it was so easy to extract these confessional details), he admitted that this drinking buddy had no TEFL qualifications. He said that he enjoyed employing him simply because “He’s got no qualifications. He likes a drink and he has a big personality.” Some of the inexperienced teachers he hires also feel coerced into going out drinking with him. He creates the impression that this is expected of them, and they feel he will not hire them again if they refuse.

Of course, being an alcoholic himself, Ralph Connor prefers to hire those who enjoy drinking. This is no surprise, as those who have had the misfortune of working for him will have seen him begin his drinking at 2pm and carry on until 5.30am on a school night. He will then proceed onwards to school reeking of alcohol and sleepwalk through the day until he can resume his binge. Those Teflers who are not similarly inclined will be swiftly dropped from his books. At least they can say that they have had close experience one of the hairier corners of the TEFL world.

He also purports to offer teacher training. This would be laughable, given such a delusional claim, if it wasn’t so infuriating and aggravating, because it is individuals such as Mr Ralph Connor who are responsible for driving down standards in the TEFL industry. Mr Connor does not have a DELTA, CELTA or a PGCE to back up such a claim.

English in Action (www.englishinaction.com) employed him for a number of years. He left their employ for reasons unknown, and his version of the matter changes depending on his audience. The head of English in the school in Linz later revealed that Mr Connor offered to undercut EIA and that is how he founded his so-called business.  He poached his clients from EIA. I understand that EIA are still very unhappy with him over this.

So, there we go then. Does anybody else have experience of working with this most charming and talented Tefl leech, Mr Ralph Connor?

UPDATE:  Mr Connor was convicted of drugs offences (possession and supply) in South Wales in 1999, according to a certain Cambrian newspaper. Moreover, his only teaching qualification is a Tefl certificate that he did by the grace of the Cheltenham dole office.

Connor the Conman

I'm extremely happy to dish the proverbial dirt on another typical Tefl toerag who serves to drives down standards in our wonderful industry. If you ever have the misfortune to meet this specimen, don’t trust him as, according to the correspondence below, he is an accomplished liar and bullshitter.

The man’s name is Ralph Connor, and his dodgy Tefl operation goes under the name of the Living Language Tree (http://www.livinglanguagetree.com/). He describes it as a “training organisation”, but in truth he is a solo operator who hires either his drinking partners or newly qualified TEFL teachers with no experience. Worse, he continues to hire people entirely without teaching qualifications to teach classes of teenagers ranging from 12 to 15 years old. He is unable to work with children in the UK, due to his previous conviction for drug offences. He has also hired teachers who have drug convictions and who are forbidden from teaching in the UK. His stable of teachers is very small and consists largely of his dubious “mates”.

His website is a master class in bullshit and spurious claims. He claims to represent a “community of experts”, and offers services like “specialist research” and “teacher training and voice coaching”. However, he is not qualified as a teacher trainer or a voice coach, and his only research tool is Wikipedia. He is not a specialist in any subject except the brewing industry.

He is hired to run English courses by a number of schools in Austria for children aged 12 to 16. These schools are in Klagenfurt (Bundesreal Gymnasium, Klagenfurt-Viktring, 9073 Klagenfurt-Viktring), Linz (BG/WRG Gymnasium, Kornerstrasse Linz) and Baden. You can find an example of his achievements with Austrian children here.

He has employed some very dubious individuals who have no TEFL qualifications at all. For instance, his website states that he provides filmmaking course, which is combined with TEFL instruction. When asked about this course and whom he had in mind as a teacher, Mr Connor confessed that the man he had in mind was a fellow drinking partner. When questioned further (he was quite drunk at that time, which is probably why it was so easy to extract these confessional details), he admitted that this drinking buddy had no TEFL qualifications. He said that he enjoyed employing him simply because “He’s got no qualifications. He likes a drink and he has a big personality.” Some of the inexperienced teachers he hires also feel coerced into going out drinking with him. He creates the impression that this is expected of them, and they feel he will not hire them again if they refuse.

Of course, being an alcoholic himself, Ralph Connor prefers to hire those who enjoy drinking. This is no surprise, as those who have had the misfortune of working for him will have seen him begin his drinking at 2pm and carry on until 5.30am on a school night. He will then proceed onwards to school reeking of alcohol and sleepwalk through the day until he can resume his binge. Those Teflers who are not similarly inclined will be swiftly dropped from his books. At least they can say that they have had close experience one of the hairier corners of the TEFL world.

He also purports to offer teacher training. This would be laughable, given such a delusional claim, if it wasn’t so infuriating and aggravating, because it is individuals such as Mr Ralph Connor who are responsible for driving down standards in the TEFL industry. Mr Connor does not have a DELTA, CELTA or a PGCE to back up such a claim.

English in Action (www.englishinaction.com) employed him for a number of years. He left their employ for reasons unknown, and his version of the matter changes depending on his audience. The head of English in the school in Linz later revealed that Mr Connor offered to undercut EIA and that is how he founded his so-called business.  He poached his clients from EIA. I understand that EIA are still very unhappy with him over this.

So, there we go then. Does anybody else have experience of working with this most charming and talented Tefl leech, Mr Ralph Connor?

Paedo Tefler Alert!

A couple of years or so back, this blog played a role in blowing the whistle on a well-known Tefl paedo called called James Fraser Darling (still in China, we believe). Well, Sandy has been contacted again recently by a person seeking to find another Tefl pervert, this time a creep who goes by the name of Nigel Russell Harris.

You can read more about this vile slug here:

http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?pp_cat=30&art_id=97585&sid=27995995&con_type=1

http://www.thehindu.com/news/international/article415257.ece

He was last heard of in Hong Kong, but his current whereabouts is now unknown. He might possibly be in China somewhere, perhaps working for EF, as James Fraser Darling was. Maybe EF are up to their old tricks of providing work for sickos again?!

Please post any information that you might have about this menace as a comment below.

Greetings from Asbury Park?

Well, it's not quite the Asbury Park that I was expecting - and it's nothing like the Asbury Park that Broooooce made famous - but the McManus family's annual caravanning experience is currently under way at the place pictured alongside. Wish you were here?

BTW, I've been far too lazy to publish my annual warning about working on ripoff summer schools, so I'll just refer yous all to my previous apology for a very similar dose of torpor. Now that I'm "down with the pikeys", I seem to have lost all enthusiasm for blogging. Lucky I'm still a dedicated Tefler, though, eh!?

Outbreak of Activity at Windsor English!

Does anybody remember 'The Windsor Swindler'? I thought not. Well, just when you thought all the slime had dribbled back into the tin, it pops its lid up again! Paul Lowe, I mean. Yeh, that's the old bastard alongside...

Yes, our most favourite Tefl Slug is now firmly back on the Tefl Trail, after a brief but unsuccesful detour into the B&B trade. Paul Lowe has recently advertised on tefl.com for a few gullible Tefl Twerps to join him at Lowe Mansions, a.k.a. Windsor English, in his defecatory pedagogical ponderings across the Windsor skyline.

However, it seems that Paul's still on 'the medication', as the ad features a few howlers. Can you spot them...?

English Teacher - Windsor English

Location Windsor UK, United Kingdom

Deadline Thursday 18. May 2000

Experience 1 year

Positions 3

Details

English Teachers URGENTLY needed to fit in with a close-knit team of friendly teachers and students. Year-round position to the right person

Qualifications - TEFL Cert.

1 year experince minimum - Dip preferred

Needs to be local to Windsor

Compensation - £17 per hour

Of course, dodgy Paul does not even know what year it is, and fails the basic literacy test by spelling 'experience' wrong! Silly boy, Paul - you only had to copy the word from the form!

And despite apparently advertising for three teachers, he claims there's only ONE permanent position available TO the right person ... rather than FOR the right person. Sadly it appears that all those copywriting skills Paul presumably acquired during his years in the advertising business have been lost.

Anyway, if you fancy availing yourself of Paul's almost generous offer of 17 smackers for each hour of classroom capers - paid (hopefully) in a brown envelope at the end of the week - here's the number to call.
01753 858995
Just tell him that Sandy sent you. I'm sure he'll be delighted!

Revolutionary Tefler Needed...

Pissed off you missed out on the Spanish Civil War by a few decades? Fancy Syria instead? Well, Inlingua can help you!

Jobs in Syria

inlingua Aleppo offers English Teaching jobs.

The teacher should be native speaker (American or British), reliable ,dynamic and able to teach both Business and General English.

For more information please contact us at: dos@inlingua-sy.com

Yes, I know that there are many Tefl Twerps who went off to teach in Spain after reading Orwell's 'Homage to Catalonia', and then returned home severely disheartened, after learning that the International Brigades had long been abandoned. Well, cheer up, fellahs, there's no reason to sit at home regretting that cruel twist of fate that led to you being born around 60 years too late!

Thanks to the generosity of Inlingua, who proudly claim 'Inlingua - crossing language barriers' as their slogan, you can now also risk crossing the mortality barrier by getting a large hole in your head while shouting 'Allahu Akhbar' or some such religious nonsense. Yes, leave that large red and black anarchist flag at home and dress yourself up in an oversized pair of green curtains. Then launch yourself out on the the dusty streets of Aleppo, between classes of course, and wave a dog-eared copy of Headway Pre-Intermediate at the Syrian Army in a menacing way.

I can guarantee you'll become a martyr almost instantly. Liz and John will be proud of you, and you'll almost definitely get a posthumous mention in the EL Gazette.

And all that time you spent reading 'The Spanish Civil War' will NOT have been in vain!

Taming the bastards with the active voice

There's an article in this month's issue of the EL Gazette that has had me seeing red. I mean, some Tefl twerp called Adam Wilson seems to think he has the right to lecture us Tefl Tradespeople on how to be nice if we want to keep on top of our obnoxious foreign teenagers when trying to teach them a bit of English. Cheek!

For example, look at the following piece of wanky liberal claptrap masquerading as 'classroom management' (or it might be the equally awful and misguided 'student-centred learning'):

"Explain to your students what you are doing - and why"

That's wrong, Adam babes - just plain wrong. No, what you need to tell them is that YOU are the teacher, and they are the fuggin' students, and all they need do is OBEY your orders. There's no point in attempting to explain to them how your carefully-planned activities are fully in accord with Vygotsky's theory of ZPD, as (a) the stupid little bastards will not understand a word, and (b) you've probably screwed it all up or forgotten about poor Lev anyway. And admit it, saying that you're just following what it says in the Teacher's book is probably not going to inspire your evil scrotes one bit, is it?

Poor Adam goes on with his misguided advice by stating that, when faced with intransigent teenagers, "another possible solution is to reward young learners appropriately". I mean, did you notice that pathetic 'young learners' phrase creeping in there? Why not just refer to them as 'snotty-nosed foreign brats', which is exactly what they are?!

And as for the actual prospect of offering the scrotebags rewards as a sort of bribe for behaving well, I say this: they should be bringing in tributes to the teacher, not the other way round. No, mate, you've got it all arse about face, as the balance of power stands tipped firmly in Mr T's favour, innit.

In my experience, a regular thrashing of the worst-behaved students will have the rest of the class fawning over you at the end of the lesson, offering to buy you cups of tea and thrusting chocolate bars in your general direction. This is the way God intended classrooms to be, and I know that for a fact, 'cos a Mormon told me once.

In fact, the only effective tool that the professional Tefler needs to carry everywhere is his voice - the louder, the better. Of course, weapons can be hastily assembled from the usual armoury of board markers, large heavy dictionaries, and sharp pencils, but these should only be employed when the initial blasts of brutal Anglo-Saxon 'Englisc' have failed to tame the mob of dark-skinned inbreds who are your students.

Try walking in to your next lesson screaming "Where is your bloody homework, you slimy little sons of whores?!" and you will notice the difference immediately. And "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" can be surprisingly effective when repeated at great volume, especially at the levels from Beginner to Intermediate.