Monday, May 31, 2010

An Early Summer Bath

Shouldn't that be "Early Summer Break"? Well, maybe so, but I've been saving on water these past few years by only taking a bath once in every season. Apparently it's really good for the skin, and the smell doesn't get any worse after the first three or four weeks. You think I'm joking?!

Anyway, fact is that this blog will be dormant for the next couple of months - perhaps even until August - as Sandy departs for colder climes. It all depends how things go at my forthcoming resting place, pictured above. Y'see, my mate bought that pub, complete with stock, and swiftly boarded the place up, so's he could drink himself to death.

Only, the problem is, it's too much for him to drink alone, so he's invited me to stay with him until the booze obligingly shrinks and shrivels his liver and kindly dispatches him skyward. And I think he's also a bit worried about waking up dead one morning and having nobody around to get him buried. Poor fucker!

So, I've been volunteered into being the guy's guardian angel and getting him a proper Christian send-off. Otherwise, if the neighbours are the first to catch the sharp aroma of his lifeless pickled flesh, they'll send in the Social Services loonies - and they'll all drink what's left of his booze, the bastards!

No chances of that, mate - I'll be taking that!


Kapitano said...

Enjoy your beer-bath.

Let us know about any:
* Drunken rampages and vandalism
* Drunken sexual couplings and the awkward denial that follows
* Drunken confessions of the above to your temporary 'best friend'
* Drunken English lessons you give to the locals

Anonymous said...

Are you sure this is an alcoholiday and not a retreat after the exocets?

Anonymous said...

Hey, I think I know that pub! Isn't it The Windsor Castle in ... Windsor?

Shaun Ryder said...

'Ere, San. Iss a fookin' foony mate you've got there like: there's "beer" fer 'im to drink?
Iss impossible, lad. Or if it is possible, Ole Shaunie carnt imagine it.
Iss a sort of ontological crisis I'm 'avin', I s'pose.


Foul and destitute nobodies, you populate the microcosm of your own DELUSION with figments of your mutual banality - yes, YOU ADRIAN, and ALEX and that harpie KAREN kalilibelnago - all of you pursuing a PHANTOM. Do you realise the majesty of the ALMIGHTY ONE? he is a thousand suns rolled into one. The greatest genius that will ever bless this universe with his noble architrave MARKED with the stamp of genius YES YES. Shakespeare?? A Brummie scribbler. Beethoven? A dodgy kraut. Edison? A lazy yank doodler. The mighty one is a thousand times what these were and YES shall be more than this again. AND YOU HAVE MADE HIM YOUR FOE, you imbeciles. I give you a PROPHECY NOW. On the 11th of JUNE the current world order will CEASE and a new dawn will begin - THE DAWN OF THE AGE OF LOWE. All governments and armies will bow before him. Statues will be ERECTED {!) in every city wheron nubile women will rub themselves longingly and hardened soldiers will gawp with envy. HEED MY PROPHECY. 11th JUNE. Your ficticious universe will CEASE and the AGE OF LOWE shall COMMENCE.

Anonymous said...

Could you make it the 12th because the 11th is a working day? I'd hate to miss it and my boss is a right bastard about giving us time off even for the end of the world as we know it.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

OK, I'll make a note of the date, Paul - June 11 it is. I'll try and stay sober for at least a couple of hours, and keep my gaze skyward, in the hope of catching a glimpse of the mighty one - sorry, The MIGHTY ONE - as he soars towards the heavens on a gilded chariot.

Should be fun, eh? And WTF were YOU on about, Shaunie?! Been on that bong WAY too long, I reckon!

John King said...

To be strictly accurate, that is the ALMIGHTY ONE. I wouldn't want Paul to start thinking that people don't understand him.

Anonymous said...

Interesting that Mr Lowe happily uses terms like 'Kraut' but says that the moustache drawn on his photo is racist.

Anonymous said...

بدين والجمل تجد لك ، وإزالة الكرات الخاص والاستفادة منها لأسماك القرش في خزان الماء. ما عدا ذلك ، أنت بخير؟

Anonymous said...

So sorry, Adrian Alex karen (now that Phil is no longer you chav pal) - you fail again in your gormless attempt to ensnare me, perhaps this one was the result of your 'brainstorming' sessions (or is it brainwashing??)
I thought they taught you something at BIRMINGHAM UNI but evidently not much, except to libel and cheat your way to a modest niche by "surfing" on the LONG_TERM efforts of the diligent and uxorious. No matter. Your tiny MICROCOSMIC snowglobe of a world will be shattered very soon.

Anonymous said...

But I thought your 250 exocet missives (!!) had done the trick

littlelatinandnogreek said...

Do you know what 'uxorious' means or do you just use words because you think they sound big and clever? Are you now trying to shift the blame for your crimes? What an utter cunt.

John King said...

Please help! I am looking for a cached version of Paul Lowe's Twitter postings which took place in about March 2010. Paul has since deleted everything and seems to have had it removed from Googlecache.

Did anybody save a copy or has it stored somewhere?

This is a serious enquiry, if you can help please let me know via this blog.


Anonymous said...

JK, I have posted some here: in the comments. It's all I could find as he'd deleted the accounts, but someone said they had the lot.

Anonymous said...

Shakespeare - Brummie scribbler
Adrian- studied at Birmingham uni
Gloucester- character in King Lear, name used by Adrian, WHO ALSO IS A BIT OF A SCRIBBLER (!)

After three litres of Frosty Jack and some flunitrazepam, it all fits into place- Adrian = Shakespeare

John King said...

Anon 1 - thanks indeedy, I'm also trying to go through specialist archive engines. It is all out there somewhere.

Anon 2 - is Paul really that devious?

Yes, I suppose he is.

William Frederickson said...

If spazzing is the food of insanity...spazz on, Paul!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to say your prayers tonight, boys and girls- it's the 11th tomorrow.

William Frederickson said...

Oh,dearie me,Paul's going to attempt to commit suicide again, is he? For fuck's sake, he even failed to do that properly! TEFL's Frank Spencer!

Clarence Rhode said...

Paul was a great fan of Shakespeare, although he tended to limit his reading to cartoon versions and movies with subtitles. At the interminable 'teachers' meetings' held in the dank backrooms of the Windsor bunker, he would ramble for long stretches of time, dropping in Shakespearean quotes and references, waving his hands like an end-of-term actor doing King Lear. Every teacher's nightmare was to be caught by Paul in a corridor while he explained his theories about literature, global conspiracies and the key to all politics (it had something to do with 'the establishement' which had always inexplicably rejected him).
The only thing to do in such situations was to keep a straight face and try not to yawn - especially as Ashley was often lurking in the background, eager to note any such misdemeanour. And God help any staff member whom Paul singled out to take an interest in his 'creative writing.' He would talk for hours about his 'manuscript' - a dog-eared stack of scrawlings which was some kind of epic tale using Paul's life as a metaphor for the entire twentieth century.

But I have rambled too long myself...the age of Lowe (sorry, THE AGE OF LOWE) is approaching and of course our little planet will soon be shattered.

William Frederickson, foul font of BILE and BUGBEAR said...

Aye, we'll no longer have such an outrageous and hubristic TEFL villain to rip the piss out of as rancidly as we have done.Either that or we'll all be annihilated by a beam of light from the sky for having insulted THE EFFULGENT ONE...Paul Lowe likes to rant on in Old Testament-type language, so I suspect that this is what the obese little runtling is threatening us all with.

Anonymous said...

So where are these fucking statues? I've got a coachload of excited European nubilia here and have been driving around Windsor for two hours looking. They're hot to frot and there's so much female sex hormones in the air that I have started growing tits. Some dawning of a new era. Fucking washout.

William Frederickson said...

Give 'em me and the Bengali/Kosovar firms' numbers, 'anonymous!'We'll scratch the girlies' vaginal itch for 'em!And welcome to the annual fuck-fest!

Ally Sloper said...

Oh most drole Mr F or is it anon or is it Clarence or is it Wally or is it Olly or is it Alex or John ?? Do I detect a common denominator? yes. None of these people FUCKING EXIST IN REALITY.
Only Adrian exists, with his Brummie Uni 2.2 degree and his lifeline to Karen and his unknowable pointless spite.

But tough luckeroonee Too busy for you today sorreeeee ladz
ha ha ha ha ha
I win again because I only look in the box

Lex Uxor said...

If you're going to boast endlessly about your wonderful education, at least learn how to spell 'droll', you thick twerp.

Anonymous said...

Only in the BOX never above or below the line

Anonymous said...

FAILED again you and your DAILY MIRROR GUARDIAN pals and fellow travellers failed all of you

because now the secret is clear

I have ADRIAN's CV and address, testimonies from witnesses and a new blog is being CREATED to rival the pitiful monopoly you have concocted

I have not laboured all these years to have my spleen welkin derived from that which is adjectival

yes I do HAVE a WAY WITH WORDS as you shall see to your COST foul one under your STONE

ADRIAN GLAISTER age 29 british citizen punky haircut loves slander and libel failed at everything in life except TEFL where he is now a putative author of 'satirical TEFL books' as if there could be such a market for such things

and doomed very shortly to being exposed see 'adrian glaister exposed blogspot' and quake in yer chavvy plimsolls

But too busy to do more today, big choices coming we have all been through a period of turmoil all included big CHOICES
judgement needed ADSRIan

HA HA I win again sheer class, unlike the likes of you
Sorreeee boyo bye for now ADRIAN RIP and your cohorts of hammer horror followers

The box only, just the box no more now

Anonymous said...

Hi Sandy,

Enjoy your early bath - by the look of the state of you in your profile pic it looks like you need it more than the stinky Czech folk I'm regularly forced to share space with on the tram - and good luck with the TEFL novel. If it's as funny as your blog I'd cough up 7.99 to have a butcher's at it in paperback.

Permit me to include a link to a recent post of my own which may or may not make you titter on your hols...


Vicki said...

For some reason, this reminded me of an old music hall song...

Harry, Harry, Harry... Harry,
No you've got a chance to marry,
She's a nice little widow,
With a nice little pub,
Plenty of baccy, beer and planty of grub,
I will often come to see you,
Just to keep you company,
Oh wouldn't it be nice, for you and her,
And wouldn't it be nice... for me

Hope you have a great time and look forward to your return.