Saturday, October 9, 2010

Great TEFL Inventions

Sandy McManus is extremely proud to introduce a novel departure on The Tefl Tradesman - a critical look at new developments in the field of pedagogical hardware and technology. To those of my critics (apparently there are some) who feel I am an educational luddite, wholly unqualified to pass comment on any classroom contraption beyond a stick of chalk and the ever-present cat-o-nine-tails, I proudly say 'bollocks!'.

No. 1. The Communicative Chair
This comfortable item of classroom furniture has been designed exclusively with the communicative classroom in mind. Those rubber spikes bend and fold when the occupant first sits down, whilst inside them, the carefully concealed steel pins gradually release themselves on a timer mechanism. After ten short minutes, the occupant is forced to get up and do some pointless mingling activity, ask a spectacularly dumb information-gap type of question, or ask their class colleagues how many times they watch TV, eat ice-cream, and fall over drunk.

These essential items can also be used in the staffroom, to stop teachers from falling asleep, and as a means of preventing the homeless ones from adopting the teachers' room as their downtown residence. These seats are indeed extremely versatile, and no serious language school should be without one - or a couple of dozen.

No. 2. The Tefl Taser
This recent addition to the tools employed by the forces of law and order has now been adapted for use in the classroom, and is gradually replacing the electric cattle prod as a means of ensuring total classroom compliance. When students appear reluctant to participate in the teacher's favourite senseless activities and pointless games, a quick high-voltage blast from the Tefl Taser restores the party atmosphere and keeps them in the mood for more mingling! This most versatile of educational tools can also be used, when turned up to maximum, to incinerate students who cheat in tests or do anything that annoys the teacher. The DOS can also think of other interesting ways of using them too, no doubt!

These two modern tools of classroom management can, when used in tandem, provide the students with a rich learning environment. Can your school seriously do without them?

7 comments:

Mr Whacko said...

There's still no substitute for giving them a firm rod up the backside when they misbehave. My teachers used to do it to me, so I guess it's an established and traditional method of classroom management.

Anonymous said...

JO JO the degenerate the vile the unjust the godless THE HIDEOUS
JO JO JO JO JO JO HARMER
Self self self HARMER self self selfl
TEFL HARMER
Ive been self
seflt tefl
tefl harming
TEFL HARMING

Fucking sums you UP

NOT who you THINK said...

JO JO HARMER
SELF TEFL HARMER
STEFL
SELTF HARMER
Self harming tefl WANNABEE author but failure UNLIKE ME
I remain MAGNIFICENT despite your undermining yoke under which I groan

YOU will HEAR from my COUNSEL in this matter which is sub (POST) judice
That means """"UNDER LAW"""" fuckwit tefl chavster
By the way where's yer mate where's ALEX when I need him??????
Still knocking back the sake and clippering his BONSAI
ooooh missus all very kenneth williams
AND AND Where's yer other mate JO JO??
Wjhere's KAREN POSTHOUSE 'GIRL IN SICILY@ or whatever he call himself these days
JO -JO you gone v quiet at present
SHAME no doubt and FEAR of the architrave
(not ooooooh missus pls ha ha ha)
Accusing me of false testimonials mine are the best in the industry WHICH I LEAD BY example
exemplum pro hicitur
that's fucking latin,
oh duh why i bother chavster I DO NOT KNOW
YOU were scum at WYCOMBE GS school JO JO and you are useless now
turning kathy jenkins against me

THE LAUGH I still hear the LAUGH
Wycombe swan lights down



JUST A FUMBLE just a fumble but you put her up to it
THE LAUGHTER Wycombe swan act 3 of Aladdin 1976 was it 0r 77
I have not forgotten nor FORGIVEN either alternately

William Frederickson said...

Dearie me, why does Paul Lowe appear in the vilest of circumstances-in this case, just after a comment involving rods up pupils' backsides to put the tin lid on it...Someone did mention Paul Lowe being a sexual pervert and a dangerous one at that!
Mr Whacko must have made Paul Lowe excited.I would not like to be Paul Lowe's cleaner or carer...as well as having to shovel lengthy logs out of the linen-cupboard,there would also be a shed-load of dubiously-stained tissues and crusty socks to be removed from the vicinity of his computer on a regular basis.
On a more pertinent note, Sandy,has anyone adapted mediaeval torture equipment to the TEFL classroom? Perhaps the old methods ARE the best...

Anonymous said...

Has anyone else noticed that PL, if it is PL, has become an absolute bore.

Send that to your solicitor too; processing fee probably 150 pounds, off the retainer obviously.

William Frederickson said...

Incidentally, here's something for him to mull over:I am actually Mario Rinvalucrative after he's sunk a couple of litres of Carlsberg Special Brew. May Paul Lowe have a life of merry hell, the boring,pompous little shyster!

NOT WHO YOU THINK said...

Nice try JO-JO

Just read yer last opus maximus and it was 3RD RATE CANT as ever
SELF HELP for no-hope tefl chavs on the slippery SLOPE to oblivion

UNLIKE some who are on the SHINING PATH to GLORY

PS I see ALEX case is running scared the little BONSAI tickler
OOOOOOH and KAREN???
Silence all is silence BECAUSE (er, translate BEKOZ isn't that how you trashters transliterate your doggerel?) BEKOZ you triplets have seen the three-pronged Spanish Armada of my own INTRANSIGENT OPPROBATION

WISH I could share more dears, but business calls - you know BUSINESS which means contacts, making money, buying things, selling SERVICES, geddit dumbo?

DUH slaps head SLAPS HEAD bangs head on WALL Duuuuh BANG

Nuuuuuuuuh DUMMY don't GEDDIT

Duuuuuuh BANG
DUUUUUH BANG
DUUUUUh BANG

ONLY me GEddit

GEDDIT???

Oh just fuck OFF