Saturday, May 22, 2010

Wanted - Chavs to Learn TEFL

So, I guess the inevitable has finally arrived. Any old dosser can become an EFL teacher now, as apparently the criteria for signing up for an EFL teacher-training course have become, in sympathy with the UK salaries, rock bottom. Well done to the UK's unregulated and unprincipled Tefl Trade for bringing us to this current dystopian state of affairs!

I mean, just have a butcher's at the criteria for entry from the latest advert from that paragon of ethical teacher-training, British Study Centres...

Applicants must:

  • be at least 18 (It is generally recommended that candidates should be aged 20 or over, but candidates aged between 18 and 20 can be accepted at the centre’s discretion.)

  • have an awareness of language and a competence in both written and spoken English, which will enable them to undertake the course and prepare for teaching a range of levels

  • have the potential to develop the necessary skills to become effective teachers and to complete successfully the written assignments and the assessment of practice teaching.

So, not only do you not need a degree or higher education diploma of any kind, you don't even need an A-level or two. In fact, there's not a single mention of any academic or school-based qualification at all! Hats off to BSC for really scraping the bottom of the educational barrel here!

And just what do those rather guilty-looking phrases "an awareness of language" and "the potential to develop" really mean? More to the point, what are they trying to hide?

Presumably the first expression refers to the ability to differentiate between a noun and a verb, or is that a shade too demanding of the average 19-year-old scrotebag? Maybe if they can write "r u l8?" in standard English, they can make it on to the course, eh?!

Of course, the old cliche "potential to develop" can be skewed and screwed around to mean anyhing you really like, so it's quite meaningless here. How do they measure this 'potential'? Is it a visible entity, or does it come in the shape of the ability to pay the course fees?

Anyway, I've contacted the two charlatans responsible for press-ganging youngsters onto this course, but I'm still none the wiser yet. I wonder if they have any academic creds to speak of? Perhaps they'll be in touch after the weekend, the poor shameful souls.

Or maybe you'd be interested in having a chat with them? If so, you can contact the craven bastards as per below.

Good luck!!


CELTA in Oxford: Steve Haysham, Head of Teacher Training, British Study Centres School of English, Oxenford House, 13-15 Magdalen Street, Oxford OX1 3AE. Tel: +44 (0) 1865 246620

Trinity in Brighton: Anna Bate, Teacher Trainer, British Study Centres School of English, Fairfax House, 47 Cromwell Road, Brighton & Hove, BN3 3ER. Tel: +44 (0) 1273 731352

UPDATE: BSC have some of the crappiest summer jobs I've seen in a very long time! Look here for some REAL STINKERS - from as little as 190 quid a week!!


Anonymous said...

have an awareness of language

That's pretty demanding. I think that we should remove that one to really open courses up to all.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

You're right - it is a little too discriminating, innit, and that just has to be a bad thing these days, dunnit.

I feel that the feeble-minded of this nation (excluding those who already teach EFL) should be claiming compensation regarding this blatant effort to exclude them from developing their scant potential.

Actually, I reckon Paul Lowe is behind this too.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

A BSC 'Brown'-nose has replied...

Good morning sour Sandy...How's the blog..How's the bile?
More to the point who are you and what are your motives ?
Did you do the course and fail ?
Did you do the course and merely pass ?
Were you not accepted onto a course ?
What could be your motivation...what inspired such a bitter - and chavvy - diatribe ?
So many questions...
I look forward to your answers and your plea of temporary insanity.
Simon Brown 'veteran' of 64 courses and co-creator of over 600 teachers.

Well, I'm sure I don't need to point out to Simon Brown here that if he really wants me to answer his questions, he'd best start by answering mine.

The floor's yours, Simon ... careful you don't disappear under it!

Anonymous said...

How do you manage not to be accepted on their course? If you've got a pulse and a cheque, you'll do. However, with an average of under 10 mugs per course, it would appear that they're not very successful.

John King said...

There is indeed a distinct resemblance between Simon Brown's prose style and that of the legendary wit and raconteur, Paul Simon Lowe. In fact the style is virtually identical. Could they by any chance be related?

I remember that Paul went through a phase of using 'code names' for some of his more demented projects. Is he up to his tricks again?

I think we need a photo of "Simon Brown" to convince us that he is real and not a figment of Paul's devious criminal imagination.

Anonymous said...

Open letter to all key players in the UK TEFL Schools and Publishing Industry:

For some time now many have been aware of a corrupting force at work in our field. I can disclose this person now as ADRIAN GLAISTER (Or GLOUCESTER , he uses a nom de plume) an itinerant TEFL teacher and 'wannabee' author who may be seeking tutoring work at schools or attempting to get his shoddy manuscript 'placed' on publishers' 'lists'.

Distinguishing features::
has a 'punky' haircut although he is pushing 30 yrs
Speaks with a left-wing Wiltshire accent which he sometimes disguises with a mock estuary tone.
Is in all things louche and indolent.

Do not offer this person any work or publishing contract!

His antics when working at a prestigious school in Windsor included:
Arriving constantly LATE and DRUNK.
Breaking the photocopier wilfully.
Inhaling marker pens to attain a 'legal high' and jumping off the impressive stone steps that front this gracious building.
And many other things too grotesque to delineate.

I have him under surveillance currently and expect to 'bring him to book' soon for his attempts to impune, parody and libel certain leading figures in the industry.

This letter is going out to 250 recipients this week FIRST CLASS POST.


The TEFL Tradesman said...

No, this Simon Brown chap is real, alright. You can e-mail him here:

And there's a stunning article written by the chap here:

Actually, I would take exception to his claim to have helped in creating some 600 or so teachers, as a Tefl course can at most provide an instructor's mentality. Creating a real teacher requires no small amount of education, whereas an instructor needs only instruction - which is precisely what you get on a Tefl course, and nothing more.

As for whether Adrian Glaister / Gloucester is real or a mere figment of PL's feverishly overcharged imagination, I'll leave that for Ollie to decide.

Anonymous said...

OK, so last week it was all the work of Philip K, and now it's Adrian G, is it - right, Paul?

You must be mixing up your medication, mate. And WTF is that "left-wing Wiltshire accent", when it's at home (or away)?

Anyway, I'm relieved to know that you "have him under surveillance" -I presume you are paying off a few retired spooks or joes to keep tabs on him, eh?

But as for "his attempts to impune, parody and libel certain leading figures in the industry" - well, that's you, mate, innit? I mean, PK's lawyers have been in touch with you already, and now you're trying to deflect a little of the attention to give yourself ... just what? Time to breathe, before you escape, Paulie?

You can never escape the Belgian Mounties - I'm sure you know that, mate!

Anonymous said...

Now that is impressive- well worth writing in capital letters.

allthingsloucheandindolentallcreaturesgreatandsmall said...

"For some time now many have been aware of a corrupting force at work in our field."

This gets the letter off to a weak start as it makes assumptions about the reader's knowledge- not all key players in TEFL are obsessed with the Windsor Swindler blog.

"I can disclose this person now as ADRIAN GLAISTER (Or GLOUCESTER , he uses a nom de plume)"

If this were such a prestigious school, it would have a clear record of his name for things like tax and National Insurance. This speaks volumes about the shady business practices of the school and doesn't really help identify the person.

(Not too keen on the comma after Gloucester either- maybe a bit of proof-reading would be in order. You could ask one of your teachers to help if you have any.)

"shoddy manuscript 'placed' on publishers' 'lists'."

Try to stay focused on your goal, Paul, which is not to criticise his writing but to out him as the Windsor Swindler and/or TEFL Tradesman blogger You're also mixing your targets- you're writing to attack a person, and not to comment on the failure of the publishing industry to touch your autobiography. One bitterness at a time, Paul. Demolish MacMillan and Faber & Faber tomorrow in another round robin letter.

"Distinguishing features::
has a 'punky' haircut although he is pushing 30 yrs"
Is haircut a distinguishing feature? You can change it very easily. And you just can't resist another attempt to twist the knife, though this is better done when the knife is actually in.

Ollie's dealt with the accent description, though I too would love to know what a left-wing Wiltshire accent is.

"Do not offer this person any work or publishing contract!"
Oh no, didn't anyone tell you not to use exclamation marks? Credit your reader with the intelligence to decide what's important!!!

"Arriving constantly LATE and DRUNK."
This again reflects more on the school than anything- if you were drunk, you wouldn't get into a genuinely prestigious school a second time, let alone constantly.

"Breaking the photocopier wilfully."
They break down all the time- what did he do? Did he shove some paper in the wrong way or take a hammer to it? There's a big difference between being a vandal and a twit.

"Inhaling marker pens to attain a 'legal high'"
They stopped TEFL chavster's little 'elper marker pens years ago, so when did this happen? Prestigious schools use environmentally-friendly, water-based pens with no solvent in them.

"impressive stone steps that front this gracious building"
Relevance, dear boy, relevance- boasting about your steps doesn't help your case. Would it have been less of an offence to jump if the steps were ugly?

"And many other things too grotesque to delineate."
So we'll have to take your word on that- a convicted fraudster who ran a crooked business. The few who have heard of you will know you from reports in the Mirror and the Gazette, so go easy on the eighth wonder of the world stuff.

"I have him under surveillance"
You do? Honest?

"expect to 'bring him to book' soon"
You've been promising this for months, or years if you include all the people you have wrongly accused before. And if you know where he is and have the evidence, what are you waiting for?

Apart from these minor points, you forgot to give any proof or the reasons that have led you to this conclusion.

And you seem to have forgotten to mention what the conclusion is. There's no mention of his most serious crimes of all- shouldn't you tell them that he's the scourge of the blog world and name the blogs, or don't you want them to see the Windsor Swindler?

Don't use upper case.

Not really- I'd say a solid, but undistinguished FCE candidate.

Clarence Rhode said...

Paul, another classic from you. I think you actually have in mind Adrian Glazier, a very pleasant chap who was on one of your Trinity courses quite some time ago, and who had the temerity to scoff at your preposterous claim to own "22 schools dotted around the world." His downfall came soon after that, and yes there was some substance-induced jumping involved.
I think it's unlikely that he is still interested in you, as he is now running a polo stables in Croatia and living a very happy life when last heard of (about 3 years ago).

defuk8 said...

It is a bit better than the legendary April 13th 'Dear Cunt, Publish this full' draft where you outed Philip K instead of Adrian G/G, so congratulations on the improvements.

I disagree with allthingslouche as I believe you should settle for a semi-literate rant or you'll never get it in the post.

It's taken six weeks to get it to this stage, so lay aside pipe dreams of perfecting it.

Don't worry too much about getting your point across. Just remind us how superior you are several times. And get the full dose of Frosty Jack down your neck before you start. For yur hinspiration.

Anonymous said...

Typical of Mr Lowe's narcissism that he thinks he's the only shit in TEFL and wilfully hijack's other people's comeuppance. Fuck off back to your own blog, Paul.

BSC's mission statement:
To provide a creative, rewarding and successful learning and working environment for our students and staff.

Rewarding? from £190 or £250
That gets my creative juices flowing. Can I pay my own airfare to get there? And clean your shoes?

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, but you se. . . how shall I explain. . .try this. . .


Not above the line, not below

Because I COUNT

Anonymous said...

But you do, Paul, you do. And we all know it too.

And just what do you count? Your remaining days of freedom, or those before the final judgement?

Coming your way soon...

whiteciderisbrainfuel said...


But in your 'dudhead C*nts' post on the other blog, a few hours earlier, you said that you had read it. In fact, you used 'perusing' because 'reading' is obviously too common a word for a man defecated to a level way above the reading classes. It's getting very hard to know which arsehole you're talking out of to believe.

However, can I say how much I enjoyed your foray into the field of philosophy:
Only those who MATTER actually MATTER

Pithy and profound- another Strong to your bow.

Anonymous said...


RowlandHill said...

Don't forget that today's the last working day to post those FIRST CLASS letters to the top 250 EFL MOVERS and SHAKERS.

Anonymous said...

This letter is going out to 250 recipients this week FIRST CLASS POST.


I am - that would buy you 100 litres of hobo's hoedown at Lidl.

William Frederickson said...

Oh, dearie me, the fuggin' plot sickens... Simon Brown is probably that nasty little pervert and pigfuck Simon Green,erstwhile Class Cuntvenor at Windsor Tefal London- if it isn't Paedo Paul's latest incarnation. Good Lord, how many personalities does this smelly little dog's pizzle have, for fugg's sake?

Anonymous said...

please give mr lowe co-administrator rights to this blog now.

then it will go up a level in fairness, seriousness and entertainment value.

Anonymous said...

And why don't you give him your bank details while you're at it?

Anonymous said...

Mr Lowe wouldn't want the job- he never reads it anyway because people who matter don't count

Anonymous said...

Too late, dimmywits - the letters have been posted. . . ->> 250 Exocet missives (!) aimed at the heart of the idiot necropolis that Adrian, Alex and Karen have strung together in their drunken Birmingham Uni reunions.

Oh yes, did I mention - perhaps not? - that I know all about your 'PLANNING SESSIONS' and your 'AWAYDAY BRAINSTORMING' where you congregate and plot further obscene libel against the elite that you should venerate.

You hear that sound? It is the walls of your sad little fantasy crashing groundwards about your EARS, Adrian Glaister (or is it Alex today, or some other concocted Chaveroonee moniker ) - no matter, you are all heads of the same HYDRA and I have the measure of you and will BRING YOU TO BOOK

Time to sniff some glue, ADRIAN??
Just to take the edge off your apprehension?
Fucking useless cunt that you are

Anonymous said...

Silence utter silence

The Exocets have struck home

The people who COUNT emerge from their bunkers to populate the landscape planting TRUE SEEDS OF COURAGE

And history will not remember the dimmywits, no not one jot

With a flick of my wrist I crushed you all YOU ADRIAN GLAISTER YOU
Ha ha ha ahhhhaaaa ha ha ha

You were not highhly evolved enough to be a threat to me

Ha ha heeeeeeeeeeee

How does it FEEL to be IRRELEVANT!

Uncle Bill said...

Sandy, I must congratulate on your perceptive article here. Although I haven't been involved in CELTA stuff for more than 10 years, even when I was, the situation was the same.

The formal qualification needed for acceptance on one of these courses has, for a long time, been ... zero. A first degree is deemed desirable, but not necessary.

What has resulted from this is a general dumbing down ... more zero-qualified applicants, more crap centres accepted, etc. It's the awful truth indeed!

Anonymous said...

The decline in requirements for CELTA is bad enough, but this one is dumbing down the scrag end of Mickey Mouse courses

damo04 said...

Salary: 'competitive'. Haha f%¨*ing ha!