Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Well, my last posting for 2009 presents a real career opportunity for many Teflers stuck in the miserable rut of UK TEFL right now. It's actually a job that requires no degree or former experience, not even a mickey-mouse TEFL certificate, and it pays just as badly as a regular Tefl gig. Don't believe me? Just read on...

Civil Enforcement Officer / Parking Attendant
Posted: 25 Nov 2009
Contact: Lindsay Joyce
Location: East Midlands - Leicestershire
Industry: Government - Local government
Contract: Contract
Hours: Full Time
Salary: up to £9 per hour (i.e., £360 per week, £18,720 p.a.)

An excellent opportunity has arisen for an on and off street Parking Attendant based in Leicestershire. You will be patrolling car parks and public roads, enforcing traffic regulation orders, issuing lawful penalty charges and maintaining car park equipment. Candidate must have experience of enforcement. Experience of difficult people and challenging situations.
A full driving license is essential for the role.

Essential skill set & responsibilities:
•You must be available to work flexible hours.
•Must be hard working and able to use own initiative.
•Must be vigilant and have excellent attention to detail.

For more information about this role please contact Lindsay Joyce on 020 3119 3356 or send your CV to

Yes, that's right - it's a parking attendant's job. And it pays better than many of the crappy EFL jobs that you can find on these days. In fact, if you have 'experience of enforcement and dealing with difficult people and challenging situations' - as surely every UK Tefler has - you might as well apply for it, as you'll be better off doing that than swallowing the following morsels of misguided Tefl nonsense...

CRAP JOB 1. TEFL tutor - Anglophiles Academic Ltd

Experience - Entry level

We are looking for energetic, dynamic and organized teachers to teach 12 hours a week, who are willing to teach classes in their homes and who are enthusiastic in organising activities for young students. The role requires the teacher to plan informative and fun lessons, to teach four 3-hour English classes on weekday mornings to groups of 4 students, to supervise and hopefully get involved in leisure activities in the afternoons (such as ice-skating and bowling) and to accompany students on one excursion during the course.

Applicants should live locally as accommodation is not provided. Please apply by sending a brief email to, attaching a current CV.

Qualifications - We require candidates to be degree qualified or to possess a relevant TEFL qualification and/or experience.

Compensation - We offer competitive fees between £366 and £510 per course (8 days work) depending on qualifications and experience. Our teachers have self-employed status.

Anglophiles Academic Ltd
140-144 Freston Road
London, W10 6TR
Telephone: 0207 603 1466
Matthew Kendrick, Director of Studies

So there you go - 366 quid a week for what looks like a whole lot of work! At least it seems to be tax-free though ... maybe. What about the next one, though - surely it can't be worse?

CRAP JOB 2: English Language Instructors - Berlitz Manchester

Berlitz Manchester is looking for enthusiastic, dynamic individuals to join our ever expanding team of teachers. We provide General English classes to multi-lingual groups, although there is increasing demand for BEC and IELTS tuition. The position would suit candidates with an interest in professional development.You will be responsible for planning and delivering learner centred lessons based on a communicative teaching approach.

Please apply by email providing full details of qualifications and previous experience.
Qualifications - CELTA essential; DELTA desirable

Minimum of one year's teaching experience.
£10 per hour minimum

This rate is subject to increase dependent on committment to the company and level of teaching qualification.

Ooh, wow - ten quid an hour! So that might get you ... 300 quid a week?! Less than the parking attendant's job!! Anyway, who in their right mind would EVER want to work for Berlitz, anyway?

CRAP JOB 3: EFL teacher required - London Meridian College

Long established and stable school, accredited to the British Council and Tier 4 approved, has two teaching positions available, one in Archway and one in Oxford Street. But please read and understand details of the salary offered before you apply. We do not wish to waste our time and yours if you are looking for a better salary

£19,000 per annum up to level 5
£21,500 per annum level 6 upwards and IELTS.

The annual salary is based upon a 45 hour week, 52 weeks per year, although teaching staff are entitled to 28 days paid holiday. The salary quoted is reduced pro rata for shorter periods worked.

Please apply with a cv to

Qualifications - CELTA or equivalent

So, the money's a bit better, but it's a 45-hour week! I hope that's not contact hours, but something tells me ... nah, CAN'T be!!

CRAP JOB 4: EFL Teacher - Belgravia college, London

Belgravia College is looking for a qualified, enthusiastic and
reliable English language teacher, preferably with experience of
teaching exam classes and Business English. Candidates must have
CELTA, hold a university degree and be a native speaker of

Compensation £10.00. Please email your CV to

Ooh, fuck me - another ten quid an hour job? 300 smackers a week? Stick it up yer arse, Kate! Let's move on, shall we...

CRAP JOB 5: English Language Teacher - Richard Language College, Bournemouth

to teach English to speakers of other languages

Teacher applications please send full CV to:

The College Administrator
Richard Language College
43-45 Wimborne Road
Bournemouth BH3 7AB
Tel: +44 (0) 1202 555932

Qualifications: Degree or equivalent + TEFL Certificate.
QTS (Primary and/or Secondary) is acceptable for certain courses.

01.01.10 > up to £325/week full time

Oh, shit - this one's just as bad! Only 325 quid a week OR LESS! In other words, much less than the poor old placer of parking tickets earns!! Surely things can't get worse ... can they?!

CRAP JOB 6: EFL Teachers wanted - Williams College, London

Experience 1 year


We welcome enthusiastic and friendly teachers who can see beyond the coursebook.

Compensation: CELTA qualified- from £10.30 per hour

Please send CV in WORD FORMAT to Anna Lal, Director of Studies,

No thanks, Anna. That looks like another 300-quid-a-week nightmare of a job. Maybe the prospect of dishing out parking tickets in sunny Leicester is becoming more attractive... But hang on - what's this?!

CRAP JOB 7: Senior Teacher / Internship Co-Ordinator - Kaplan International Colleges, Manchester

Experience: 5 years
Details: Minimum 15 hours contact teaching per week.
• This position has responsibility for ensuring the successful delivery of the GE programme to GE students in accordance with Kaplan Aspect’s standards by:
• Assisting the Director of Studies in the overall management of the Academic department.
• Monitoring and assisting GE students and helping them to derive the maximum benefit from their course.
• Working with the Academic Management team to ensure GE programmes are being taught to requirements and the course guidelines and syllabus are being adhered to.

• This position also has responsibility for ensuring the successful delivery of the OPUS, Internship and Paid Placement programmes in accordance with Kaplan Aspect’s standards by:
• Monitoring and assisting students and helping them to derive the maximum benefit from their course and placement.
• Being the primary point of contact for students requiring advice for any matter relating to work and/or placement needs and future plans and objectives.
• To take an active role in the development, promotion and quality cycle of work-related programmes both internally and in liaison with other Kaplan Aspect schools.
• To attend all UK-wide meetings as needed relating to work experience programmes.

Qualifications: DELTA or DipTESOL essential
First Degree Essential
Teacher Training Experience preferred
Interactive Whiteboard Experience preferred

Salary £19,000 per annum

So, there you have it - from Kraplan, of course - a so-called 'management post' that demands a degree, post graduate teaching qualifications, and five years of experience. And it promises / threatens to send you all over the country to pursue their grubby aims of placing gullible foreigners in unpaid work. Can you beat that for fuggin' cheek!?



So, come and work in the UK Tefl scene -


Sunday, December 20, 2009

The UK TEFL Blacklist - Can you possibly ignore it?!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, straights and gays - here is my gift to you for Christmas! OK, it may well not be brand spanking shiny new, but it IS very useful indeed. And, although its presence may be better suited to Easter than Christmas, I don't think you'll object too much about the asynchronous nature of ...

In fact, it was about a year ago that the original TEFL Blacklist went into suspended animation, for reasons known only to its author, who had picked up the flagging reins of authorship from Yours Truly a couple of years before. Despite all my efforts to get in touch with him/her, the resulting silence has shed no further light on his/her whereabouts. In short, it's all very suspicious, and I just hope that Inspector Hammered of The Lard is basking in sunlight and freedom, and not languishing in the darkness of some filthy rotten jail in Caracas or downtown Kingston, Jamaica. Or Chipping Norton, indeed.

And remember, dear undervalued UK Tefler, it's there to serve you and your purposes, so make sure you supply the new Inspector, namely Inspector Drake of Section 6 (see piccy alongside), with all the stories of despicable Directors of Studies and bent bosses that you can muster. I'll be doing a bit of digging myself, on Dave's ESL Cafe for instance, but the blog will depend greatly on the activities of the distinguished Tefl community for its continued existence, its raison d'etre, and its capacity to scare the fuggin' daylights out of the enemy.

So, get to it!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

What Price the Petition?

So, here's the next instalment in the Tefl petition saga. I present, with total impartiality - which is a very queer thing for me - two views from certain vested interests about the whole shenanigans.

Please give them a good scrutiny, and then let me know how YOU, dear downtrodden Tefler, feel about the prospect of losing your crappy job if you don't support the bosses in this. Erm, I mean ... make your own minds up, guys!


The View from the Press

The government have gone demented and decided to subject international students to the kind of constant testing the school kids have to put up with. They have a bizarre obsession that the lower a student's level of English, the more likely they are to get a job and disappear into the black economy. They already demand that international students are level A2 (PET) before they are allowed into the country, and they want to not allow anyone in whose level of English isn't B1.

They are also planning to make it illegal for anyone from outside the EU to come in and study for A-levels or IB (degrees only). They also seem to be saying that if you are above Ielts 6 (C!) and you are studying English for some reason (say business English), you will have to take an exam at Masters level. English UK is right on this - the ministers have taken leave of their senses. It will smash a lot of schools and it will lose a lot of teaching jobs.

What they are wrong on, of course, is the wording on the petition which says Britain has the best educational system in the world. They are wrong here on two counts; first the UK doesn't come at the top of any world ranking of education anywhere - we're absolutely bog average for the EU according the European commission. They are also wrong to say that English UK and British Council accreditation has anything to do whatsoever with education.

The View from the Bosses

1. Should the minimum level of qualification that can be studied through the PBS be raised from NQF level 3? No, as this would raise the level of courses beyond the scope of most language schools, as well as stopping students taking A levels in independent schools.

2. Should the minimum level of English language qualification that can be studied in the UK through the PBS be raised from CEFR level A2? No, as this would mean that only students with an Intermediate level of English or above could come to the UK to study.

3. Should English language testing be introduced for all courses of NQF level 5 and below, including English language courses, and if so, through what mechanism? No, as this could force all students wishing to study in the UK to undertake tests in their own country before enrolling on a course, which would cause additional hardship, delay and expense, compared to studying in other countries.

4. Should access to vocational courses be restricted? No. Many students study vocational courses to help them with their careers. Why should this option be taken away from them? We believe this question may be because there are a lot of bogus colleges offering bogus vocational courses. The government should control these colleges through proper accreditation bodies, such as British Council/English UK .

5. Should we restrict the work rights attached to student visas? No. Students are permitted to work part-time, up to 20 hours per week at present. Taking away this opportunity to help them support themselves, when they have already paid high fees for their courses, will make it less attractive for students to come to the UK . This measure will not cure unemployment, as students only take part time temporary jobs.

6. Should we place limits on the progression of students on courses up the qualifications scale without their returning to their home countries? No. Making students return home would enormously damage progression into university courses, and make the whole education process far more expensive for them.


So there you have it - two not-so-independent views from Britain's tacky Tefl Trade. And what about the views and opinions of the many thousands of humble classroom Teflers in the UK? What about that? Where is their analysis of the situation?

For starters, do you feel comfortable about giving your unconditional support to the efforts of EnglishUK (the sponsors of the petition), who have done so much to keep your wages and working conditions at Dickensian levels over the years? Or do you think there should be some element of quid pro quo here? What should EFL teachers in the UK be demanding as the price of their support?

Anyway, I'm waiting to hear from you. E-mail me on, as always.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tier 4 of the PBS - A Tefler Writes...

I don't think that there is anybody alive in the tacky UK Tefl scene who is not aware of the current government's proposals to regulate foreign students' access to the marvel that is the British education system. Take a quick look here if you've been stoned for the past month or so and are still in the dark about this.

This wonderful system apparently embraces the UK's abysmal EFL scene, and certain EFL organisations in the UK (English UK, for example) are up in arms over what they see as a restriction on their invoilable right to have their cake AND eat it - i.e., to 'regulate' their own industry and exclude teachers' pay and conditions from the equation at the same time. Hence this petition on the government's website.

Anyway, there are many opinions about these proposals, but for starters take a look below at what one particular EFL teacher (a.k.a Agent C) in the UK thinks about the whole idea. I'll add some notes of my own at the end, and follow up with the opinion of certain vested interests from the mighty powerhouse that is the UK's Tefl Trade in a later posting. However, you'd do well to start with the bullshit below...

English Language Teaching in the UK - Please sign the petition

The UK Government is on the threshold of destroying one of its strongest export industries, the English language teaching sector, worth billions of pounds annually to the UK in visible and invisible exports.

Tier 4 of The PBS, launched in April, brought sweeping changes to the international education sector. The governments aim was to rid the UK of bogus colleges, which were not just a security threat but also a blot on the UK's unassailable reputation in education. This work has not been completed.

A further aim was to streamline the issuing of study visas. Some changes were welcome, others serve only to turn bona fide students away from the UK. The government now aims to further restrict international students from studying in the UK. That will devastate this vibrant and highly professional industry, leading to mass redundancies in language schools, secondary schools, colleges & universities, with huge losses to the economy and Treasury.

The English language is a crown Jewel - let's protect and nurture it!, albeit one of the better recruiters in the world of TEFL, recently backed a petition to condemn the government’s changes to the international education sector – Tier 4 of the PBS (see text above). I was alarmed and quite shocked when I read this and immediately responded to – who have as yet not replied– voicing my incredulity as to why they would not support this Act.

Alarmist statements such as ‘The UK Government is on the threshold of destroying one of its strongest export industries’ do nothing to resolve the current plethora of below par EFL schools in the UK. These schools – many already named and shamed on this and other blogs – abuse the system, they take anyone who pays, they underpay their teachers and they often flagrantly break the law. Add to that the potential terrorist threat, which is admittedly low, I can see no reason to oppose the proposals. In fact, I think we should support the government's efforts, irrespective of why they plan to change the law.

Agent C, London

Well, thanks very much for that bold statement of your opinion on the subject, Agent C. I'd be very interested to know whether there are any other Teflers out there who share Agent C's disregard for the petition - use the comment facility below ... if you're bothered.

My own view on the matter is, of course, quite idiosyncratic. If this legislation actually serves to get rid of the many hundreds of UK visa factories and sweat shops passing themselves off as 'language schools', then I'm very much in favour of it. And let them thump those poncey cunts with Celtas who think they can teach, too. Yeah, they should all be given the push, along with their crappy 'schools', and made to go back to working at Tescos or TKMaxx. 'S right, innit!

Clearly, though, the best thing will be the absence of students from those countries whose citizens typically disappear into the black economy the day after they arrive in the UK. Here I'm thinking of those those hordes of awful Chinese 'students' who smell like old vegetables and clean their wonky yellow teeth with little sticks of wood. Is that why their breath always smells so bad too?

In fact, come to think of it, I rather think the British Government needs to introduce some some sort of hygiene requirement on the Chinkies if they want a visa - that they learn how to use tooth-paste and soap before they enter the UK. I'll be writing to my MP to inform her of my proposals - I'm sure she'll be impressed by my grasp of the intricacies of the delicate interface between international diplomacy and domestic labour requirements!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Alice in Wonderland EFL Coffee Shop

Curses! Dammit! Just when I thought I had completed a masterfully irresistible lampoon of a certain well-known and contemporary Tefl guru, what goes and bloody happens? I lose the bloody thing. So come on - who stole my memory stick? I mean, all those hours of hard graft I'd put in at work when I was supposed to be teaching, and some little scrote goes and swipes it ... There's no justice in the world, is there?

Or whatever. So here's what has to be then - one from the archives (again) of my former Tefl Trade blog (RIP, PBUH)). In fact, it's not at all offensive, just designed to give you a giggle or two. Anyway, don't send your application to ME, please, but to the evil madman mentioned below - Dr Kim, the Fu Man Chu of EFL!! (And just where IS Dr Kim these days? His e-mail address has expired, so has he too??)


The Alice in Wonderland Coffee Shop, Amsterdam

Due to the departure of a difficult staff member, Amsterdam's unique Alice in Wonderland Coffee Shop is looking to fill the following position:-

Part-Time EFL Instructor/Bar Attendant.

Come and join our international team of instructor-servers in our thematic interactive interior!

Originally opened in 1972 by an American hippie-refugee, our coffee-shop sells the finest marijuana and hashish, and has been ranked as the #1 smoke shop by various US student travel guides.

Due to rising demand, in 2005 we began offering short-term English language study in tutorial settings to overseas students.

We offer a 20-hour workload, plus free accommodation in our adjacent guesthouse.
  • Application requirements:-
  • RSA Diploma (or CELTA will do)
  • A customer-friendly attitude
  • Must be a smoker
  • Theatrical training (but no prima-donnas)
  • Knowledge of various rock bands from 1965 to 1974
The job is suitable for all genders; male, female or mixed/doubtful.

The job duties will include the following:-
  • Teaching English in tutorial settings, and designing ways to implicitly promote world knowledge of progressive rock music
  • The applicant must be willing (and able) to maintain the psychology and appearance of Alice 24/7; in the coffee shop, in the guest house, and in the street, as our teachers actively promote our products and services throughout the city.
  • Two days per month are designated 'Alice-free' days.
As this is a challenging position, two people may share the job (but not the same person). However, both will be responsible for ensuring that Alice attire is worn at all times. Any violation of this rule will result in the immediate dismissal of both parties.

Short-listed applicants will be invited to Amsterdam to provide a teaching demonstration while under the influence of our famous 'SuperSkunk'. This is in order to test the applicant's endurance and suitability for the post.

The Alice in Wonderland Coffee Shop is a fun but challenging working environment. Even some of our most well-adjusted employees have lost their minds.

We actively participate in Dr Kim Min Su's avant garde research into the effects of bong-smoking and language acquisition, via our integrated 'Ganja, Grammar and Giggles' course.

For more information about the above post, please contact our representative for international hiring, the visionary Dr Kim Min Su, at the address below.


So, there you go - don't say I never try to be positive on this blog! It's nice to be able to 'turn somebody on' to something good once in a while, innit, eh?!

Meanwhile, here's a picture I found on the web of the Course Co-ordinator for the above 'Ganja, Grammar and Giggles' course. I can't recall his name - and neither can he!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The TEFL World vs Bruce

Hey, who is that pudgy tourist alongside? Could it possibly be ... Bruce Veldhuisen, of Tefl International? Yeah, for it IS he! In fact, Bruce has asked me to allow him to set the record straight regarding people who make false allegations on internet forums - not the sort of thing that I would ever consider, by the way. After all, I've got this dirty great blog to make all the accusations that I want, ain't I?!

Actually, I quite like Bruce, as he reminds me of myself a wee bit - more maverick than shyster, I would say (others might disagree, I know). So, it's over to you Bruce. I take it the cheque's in the post and won't get lost? I mean, I can TRUST you, can't I?!


I am a very bad man. I know it because I read all about it on the internet. And yesterday was the day when the TEFL world could give me my come come-uppance. When I would finally be put in my place.

It all started five years ago when I made a very bad decision. I became partners with two, um, 'gentlemen'. After a few months they took the money and ran, leaving me looking rather foolish. If things had just finished there, that would probably be the end of the story. But these fine 'gentlemen' couldn’t stop. One of them tried to register the name of my TEFL course, TEFL International, and even sat straight faced, in a meeting with the Ministry of Education, and claimed he was the founder of the organization, not me.

Then I made a very big mistake. I went to the police and filed criminal charges against these … 'gentlemen'.

BTW, have you ever heard of a little website called teflwatch? It’s gone now, but for over a year these same gentlemen and a few of their friends accused me of every dastardly deed in the book. It started when someone named Paul accused me of not paying him his salary. Now the fact that Paul had never worked for me and that he was, in fact, the best friend of RH (one of the 'gentlemen') did not seem to in any way reduce his credibility. Then 'RH', 'Fair', and 'Freedom Fighter' began piling on. Accusing me of literally hundreds of unsubstantiated crimes against TEFL and TEFL kind! My wife. My kids. Nothing was safe. Every few months I would receive an Email claiming that the attacks would stop if the criminal charges were dropped.

The discussion went on for over a year and included over 110 pages of posts. And, amazingly, every other website that discussed TEFL quoted the discussion extensively. It was now on dozens of sites. In no uncertain terms, I was a pariah. One blogger said I was one of the three people he would never want to meet—and he worked in Japan were I have never even been! You can still find quotes from teflwatch, quotes about how bad I am, on many websites.

But the 18th of November was a very big day. Why? Because it was they day that anyone could come in and discredit me. They had one full day—eight hours—and they could present virtually anything negative about me in court. Certainly they could produce quite a bit. After all they accused me of at least 20 illegal activities in 111 pages of attacks. THOUSANDS of posts.

So there I was, in court, ready to take my medicine. I had already been shopping for orange jump suits and trash collecting equipment ("The TRS3000, the ultimate in trash collecting hardware, with graphite tongs for easy gripping"), ready to accept an appropriate punishment. After all, these guys seemed so SURE I was a bad guy. I had read so many things about me I was starting to believe it myself! And if you can’t believe someone hiding behind a fake name on the internet, who CAN you trust?

Sitting in the courtroom, I noticed the three people in the front. One seemed embarrassed. The other seemed angry, and the third seemed bemused. It was the judge who was angry because Fair, RH and the gang had failed to show up to court. His attorney was quite embarrassed and my attorney thought the whole thing was pretty funny. Fair's lawyer begged for a postponement, but the judge would have none of it, The opportunity for the TEFL world to put me in my place had been wasted.

Could it POSSIBLY be that the whole thing was just a load of total rubbish?? No, because guys who post under false names on the internet can always be trusted. Riiiiight...

Now the charges I filed are still pending. RH has disappeared and the police are still seeking him for questioning. There is a warrant out for the arrest of Fair. But I have a feeling that this will never make it to those websites out there, nor will the fact that they had no case against me and that, in reality, these few “gentlemen” just made the whole thing up. I am certain it will not be read by the thousands of people who are already certain that I am a very bad man.

Or will Sandy prove me wrong?


What, me? When have I ever been able to prove anything?! I just spread nasty rumours and hope that the shit sticks! But in this case, I'm happy to put the record straight - or at least, unbend it a little bit. Now let's wait for the comments to accrue underneath, shall we?

BTW, if you have no idea about Bruce and his 'notorious' Tefl empire, have a read of the link below...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

November Poll Results - It's a Walkover!

Those of you who can remember things as long back as last month might be itching to see the results of the Tefl Tradesman's November Poll. I am, of course, and as ever, more than happy to oblige, especially when I can gloat over the findings, which are as follows:

NOVEMBER POLL: Whose interests do the British Council and English UK serve via their accreditation processes?

The choices were three, and the results, garnered from a wide selection of almost 50 EFL professionals in the UK, denote a clear victory to the realist camp. An overwhelming majority of above 80% adhere to the established view that BC and English UK are just a bunch of cunts who rip off Britain's hard-working EFL teachers! Look, it says so here...

They look after just the employers, and screw the teachers.
39 (82%)
They serve the interests of both the teachers and the employers in roughly equal measure.
7 (14%)
They look after the teachers and ignore the employers.
1 (2%)

In pie-chart form, I am happy to present the findings as such...

As you can see, that little slice of orangey-red represents the seven retards who somehow believe that the BC and English UK display an equitable approach to both employers and employees. Who are these mad fuckers? Which planet do they live on?!

More interesting is that slim slither of yellow (how appropriate!), which is the result of just ONE Tefler believing that the function of the two baddies in question is to advance teachers' interests. This vote was achieved, apparently, by English UK's Mark Rendell delivering a particular oral service to a drunken Tefler in the toilets at the Slug and Lettuce, Notting Hill. But don't quote me on that, will you...

Right, now we've got that little item sorted, who's got any ideas for a December Poll?