Regency - End of an Era?

Regarding the subject of my previous posting, Regency Language School, this is the message that appeared on their Facebook page last week.

Regency College English Language School

We regret to tell you that Regency College has closed. Thank you to everyone who has worked and studied with us. We wish everyone luck and success with what happens next.

This was, of course, very brave of Toby Lindsay (pictured alongside), the self-styled management ‘expert’ and driving force behind this set up. He posts a terse message, a few days after the college’s doors had already closed suddenly and forever, leaving many staff and students none the wiser as the why they had lost their jobs or money. How brave!

What’s clear is that Toby and the other Regency management snakes have no intention of informing all the interested parties as to just WHY they have suddenly gone belly-up. Perhaps they have something to hide? And why did they delete their Facebook page the day after posting the message?

Well, my inside sources claim that the official reason for the closure is that the school had its license to sponsor students for more than 11 months revoked by the UK Border Agency because it had failed to apply for the necessary Highly Trusted status by the due date. In fact, Regency didn’t even apply for it, apparently maintaining it didn’t know it needed to.

The truth here, though, is that putting the blame on UKBA is more of a convenient excuse than a reason. Toby and his gang of shysters have also been under investigation for some while (see my posting below) for allowing - or rather, encouraging - many of its students to work illegally, against the stipulations of their entry-visa conditions, with the full knowledge of the school managers.

A former teacher at the school has stated this: “The students typically work as cleaners in nightclubs or have jobs in hotels as chambermaids, or as cooks and waiters in restaurants etc. - all this is common knowledge at the school.”

What’s also common knowledge at the school is that Toby runs Gulliver, Regency College’s very own ‘work experience’ company, which has been charging these same students for finding them placements, despite them not having the requisite visas.

Oh dear, Toby – naughty boy! Thought you had a nice little earner here, didn’t you? Thought you were so smart and cool.

And now you’re pants.

Anyway, those interested parties can find more information, and discover how to contact the snake, by looking at the links below.

Regency on Wikipedia

Regency's Demise - reported in The Argus

Toby on LinkedIn

Toby at Sussex University

Toby on Twitter

Toby's NEW company! (registered just three months ago)

Toby the Management Expert!

Oh, and by the way – Toby's mobile number is 07530 507030. Why not give him a call? I'm sure he'd appreciate a chat!

Regency College, Brighton

Not a lot of people know this, but Sandy has a network of Tefl spies peppered around the South coast of England, where dodgy outfits outnumber the bona-fide schools by about 2:1. My latest damning intelligence report concerns a rather vile little setup in Brighton, Regency College.

We'd like to nominate Regency College in Hove, Brighton, as a candidate for Crap Employer of the Year. The senior teachers there, Andy and Sheena, offer little support to new teachers, even for teachers coming in who are newly qualified, just having got a CELTA. Yes, there are complete novices there, straight out from the CELTA classroom. They just wanted somebody who would accept all the students that none of the other teachers wanted - a most noble educational sentiment!

As for the other management, the D.O.S is hardly ever in the school building, but this may well be to her partner having passed away recently. However, her deputy, Mary the ADOS, is aggressive, shouting at students and teachers alike, and generally serves only to create a hostile atmosphere. She likes to employ methods of 'psychological bullying' intimidating and undermining less experienced teachers, making comments like 'where are all our important teachers?' when only the newbies are around. Motivations skills like that must be very hard to acquire!

The students are given precedence and power over teachers, even to the extent of some teachers feeling bullied and unable to do their jobs properly. More worryingly, many of the college's students are working illegally against student visa regulations, with the full knowledge of the school managers. They typically work as cleaners in nightclubs or have jobs in hotels as chambermaids, or as cooks and waiters in restaurants etc. - all this is common knowledge at the school.

Other staff have reported being offered a job in writing and then having it retracted at the last minute, while the teacher was on the way to the school to sign the contract itself. One teacher was offered a contract which was then withdrawn it as the management shifted their schedule round to keep certain teachers on.

Teachers' morale is generally low there, with everyone looking out for themselves - even to the extent of hiding new teachers' administration papers so it looks like they are at fault. In general it's a nasty place to work, and best avoided.

Clearly this is a dodgy outfit that needs to be be checked out. We have accordingly informed the British Council and UKBA, and look forward to co-operating with them soon.

So, sounds like a cracking place to work, eh?! What do you have to say in your defence, Regency?

'CrapJobs!' for an Indian Summer!

I would like to offer my sincere apologies for this belated battering of summer school ‘Crap Jobs!’, but adverse circumstances put themselves in my way. If you had the misfortune to walk into one of these nightmare jobs, paying 'Indian-style' wages, please leave a comment below and apprise us of your personal horror!

First up is the Eckersley School of Oxford, a dignified Tefl institute that, according to the advert on tefl.com, “has a long history of learning and teahing” [sic]. Clearly, though, the school has no extended background in correct spelling or proofreading. It also claims that “many of our staff have a long history with the school”, which probably means in excess of six months.

Anyway, this outfit was offering Celta-belters a mighty £13.60 per hour for 21 hours of classroom capering, resulting in an impressive weekly paycheck of ... 285 quid!! In my view, any Tefl job that pays less than 300 quid a week is still living in the 1990s, when it was possible to earn that sum for the usual timetable of 25 contact hours per week.

If you’re interested in making an early application for next year’s round of summer shenanigans, try contacting the Academic Manager, Jackie Halsall, on 01865 721268. I’m sure she’d be happy to lie through her teeth and kid you what a wonderful experience the whole things is!

Next in the queue of awful summer employers stand the infamous cheapskates OISE, who were offering a measly 280 quid for 22.5 hours of intensive classes in small groups, which works out as less than 12.50 an hour!! In admission of this truly derisory financial offering, the tefl.com advert proudly states that “Newly-qualified teachers are welcome, and will be supported.” Clearly no experienced teacher would consider going near the place, then.

In my experience this company are exceedingly shifty. So the statement that “Contracts generally offer ... some leisure supervision in the afternoon on a rota basis” needs to be treated with extreme caution, as there’s no mention of any payment for these rota duties. The same goes for this – “There is a Saturday excursion, for which supervision duties are available on a voluntary basis for extra payment”. This ‘extra payment’ is a mere £50.00, which is around minimum wage level!

Still interested in this ritual humiliation? Well, please call 01865 258323 and ask to speak to Duncan Jamieson, the ‘Academic Mangager’ [sic], who also appears to have a problem with his English.

Last up is the well-loathed Devon School of English, who are already familiar to readers of the pages of this blog. This bunch of shysters were offering a true financial slap in the face – 299 quid a week (the same they were paying in Easter 2009), from which they deduct £35 to cover your accommodation!

The thoroughly obnoxious Bret Hawthorne is the boy to contact here, on 01803 559718, if you’d like to pre-book this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

So there it goes – or went, rather. But perhaps you had an even worse wage or experience this summer. Feel like sharing it with us? Please do!

Crap Jobs, British Council style...

Yes, it looks like the British Council is really scraping the barrel recruitment-wise. One of their recent adverts proudly claims a need for 10 newly-qualified Tefl twerps for Cairo – no experience needed at all!!

Of course, there was a time when BC only accepted highly experienced and well-qualified teachers, but now a greenhorn – no, TEN greenhorns! – will have the lucky chance of being inducted into the BC House of Horrors. As the advert states...

No post-certificate experience is needed; this programme is for teachers without the two years experience we usually ask for.

To which we have to ask ... why? Maybe, just possibly, there’s a financial reason lurking behind all this. After all, the salary is a measly 1100 quid a month, and there’s NO accommodation allowance – so you can kiss a lot of that money goodbye immediately. Mind you, there is the very heart-warming promise of “Assistance provided in finding accommodation plus reasonable time off in first two weeks for this purpose”. There you go – that’s BC being generous for you!

And they’ll have you work your butt off for them too – teaching up to 20 hours a week in the first six months, and then the standard 25.

Of course, if that’s not bad enough for you, try this other one, in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. It’s allegedly a ‘local contract’, which is why it offers no baggage allowance or airfare at all – and no accommodation allowance either! But of course, if you just happen to be there already...

As the advert admits, “For a poor country, Tanzania is surprisingly expensive.” So trying to live on the measly BC salary of LESS than 1000 quid a month (in a declining local currency) might be very difficult indeed.

So, does anybody else have any Crap Jobs from the BC camp? Sandy would be very interested in checking them out, seeing as he’s got a LOT of free time on his hands right now!

Six Weeks in Chokey!

So how can I possibly explain my sudden and unexpected absence? Suffice to say I was obliged to spend a few weeks entertaining the lads in a certain establishment of Her Majesty, not too dissimilar to the pristine hallways of the residential institution pictured alongside. And of course, the offer of free food and lodgings, together with the chance of a little homegrown whacky baccy (courtesy of Mr Screw) to help while away those long summer evenings, is not to be sniffed at, is it?

Anyway, I had NO IDEA that selling 'genuine replica IELTS certificates'on the internet was a crime - really, I didn't! I just looked on it as a small source of extra tax-free revenue, and doing my least capable students a little favour when they couldn't quite hit the high notes. Shame, really ... and it was all going so well.

Anyway, now that I am back (released at 13:00 hours today) I can confirm that the normal disservice to the Tefl Trade will be resumed soon. In fact, I have a couple of neat stories concerning BC and several crappy summer school employers to share with you.

But not the whacky baccy - I ain't sharing that!

British Council 'not ready' for zombie attack

A worried member of the Tefl profession has forced the British Council to admit it is unprepared for a zombie invasion of under-qualified ‘instructors’. The BC received a Freedom of Information request which said provisions to deal with such an attack, often seen in teacher-training horror films, were poor.

The ‘concerned Tefler’ said the possibility of such an event was one that the Council should be aware of, especially when considering that the salaries offered for many of their teaching posts were so much below par that the term ‘instructor’ is now used in their recruitment advertisements.

That Letter in Full

Dear British Council,

Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie Tefler invasion? Having watched several teacher-training films, it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that British Councils throughout the world must prepare for – a sudden influx of under-qualified instructors who are hired on the cheap.

Please provide any information you may have.

Yours faithfully,

Concerned Tefler

"We've had a few wacky ones before (i.e., teachers), but this request did make us laugh," said Sharon Slapper, head of Information Governance at the British Council in London. Ms Slapper said she was unaware of any specific reference to Tefl zombies in the BC’s current recruitment plan, but some elements of it could be applied if the situation arose.

“BC used to insist on teachers with a Diploma at least” she continued “but nowadays we’ll take anybody with a Mickey Mouse Tefl certificate, as long as they’re prepared to work for ‘local salaries’ – peanuts, in other words”. However, she expressed the opinion that the organisation would draw the line at zombies and Crystal Palace fans.

However, Ed Thurlow, who runs zombie website Terror4Fun, said he felt a Tefler zombie invasion of the British Council was highly likely. "I’ve seen some of these types hanging around language schools in Oxford during Summer, and they really scare me. I reckon that this ‘Concerned Tefler’ has got something here” he stated, before disappearing behind a well-known chain school pursued by garishly-painted teenagers clutching newly-acquired Tefl certificates.

Summer School Caveat Issued!

Well, this is REAL proof that Sandy Mac is losing his marbles day by day. I mean, I almost forgot to post my annual warning about working on Summer Schools! I've written more blog-postings about this particularly nasty type of bonded labour than any other subject, I guess, so it should be at least be a little bit uppermost in my mind.

Anyway, here it goes for 2011. Just click on the link here and you can discover the indiluted truth about slaving your guts out for peanuts while having to endure the most odious types of rich-kid students and semi-alcoholic 'colleagues' (as per above) that you could possibly imagine. I have no wish to crow and repeat the awful cliche of "you have been warned", but ... I'm just pointing it out!

BTW, those idiots amongst you who choose to ignore my sound advice should have some excellent stories to tell come late August. So please do pass your depraved accounts this way.

And if there are any other (over-)seasoned Teflers out there with similar stories of hellish summer schools, I'd be very grateful if you could let me have them too. It's not that I'm hard-up for material, but I do feel that a few fresh tales of Summer School despair and despondency would help to persuade the as-yet undecided to avoid a humiliating fate.

Shock Horror - Teflers are NERDS!!

My latest posting contains a brief report from Agent M, a well-concealed 'deep-throat' operative who is exceedingly well-placed to reveal to unsuspecting Tefl brethren the even seamier side of this appalling business. Or something like that. [Unfortunately the conference image that WAS alongside has had to be removed due to legal threats]

I went to the IATEFL bash at Brighton last month and frankly I ended up lying on the beach alone during some sessions, I was so terribly bored. It saddens me to say it, Sandy, but EFL teachers are officially NO FUN ANYMORE. And that is a change worth reporting, I must say.

I mean, what did these comrades-in-arms of mine end up doing in the breaks? Smoke a spliff or two on the beach? Try chatting up a few horny foreign students? Nope, they all seemed to revel in ... taking out their laptops and doing some sort of twitchy-twitchy work-related thing, ON THEIR OWN!! What a bunch of fuggin' douche-bags!!

OK, I must admit that a colleague of mine talked me into attending a workshop on twittering in a weekend session, as I thought I might actually learn something useful for once. No such luck, though – I was faced by an audience of apparent computer nerds who were twittering throughout. I soon found myself longing for the return of a workforce of drunk, skirt-chasing degenerates who turn up for work sozzled and get into fights. Paradise lost?

I reckon the cause for this outbreak of acute nerdiness could be something like this: as a result of the private sector being too mean to send their staff, all the attendees were goody-goody state school English teachers with no lives. In other words, the die-hard piss-it-all-up-the-wall Teflers from the crappy UK Tefltrade schools had to stay at home.

So, is Agent M right in his hypothesis? Did you go to IATEFL last month? Do you have anything, erm, interesting to report? Did you bump into these three dumpy old slappers alongside there [original picture removed due to threats of legal action from a rich publishing house]? And did you shag any of them, or did you prefer to play with yer fuggin’ Blackberry?

Shame on you all...!!!


And finally, as all of my pictures have fallen foul of the International Copyright Police, I'll just have to leave you with a rare and copyright-free glimpse of Yours Truly instead, attempting to remove them from my computer. The images, I mean, not the copyright cops.

Yeh, that really IS me!!

Language Teaching Centre Eastbourne - The True Unprofessionals!

OK, it's about time for my fortnightly update from one of the less salubrious corners of the Tefl kingdom. I know, I really should try and be more active on this blog, but what with my advancing state of Alzheimers, I can't remember the last time I posted. Shit, I can't even recall the last time I ... erm, what was I saying?

This time it's a verbatim report from one of my Tefl spooks on the south coast of England, where crap Tefl outfits and even crappier Tefl jobs number in their hundreds. Read this one and tell me - go on! - that this sort of Tefl shenanigans ain't as common as dogshit in a public park.

OK, I can't hold back any longer. Eastbourne again - LTC College.

As well as having a psychopath (and I am using the medical term here) as a Principal, their Director of Studies needs to be taken to task. He frequently tries it on with the Asian students, presumably seeing them as soft targets. He takes them to a pub near his 'shag pad', gets them lathered up and takes it from there. One long standing member of staff who politely suggested that this was not cool behaviour was told he was stupid, called a liar, and then 'constructively dismissed.'

The same Director - let's call him Alisdair Goldsworthy, because his mother did - also keeps details of conversations he has in the pub with his colleagues and 'friends.' If he feels like disciplining them, he hauls out his secret files and accuses them of making unprofessional comments about the school. He has used these as an excuse to rid himself of staff on several occasions.

Even worse, he tells teachers to make academic reports 'more negative' if he personally doesn`t like a particular student.

Oh, and there was the time when the school promised an employee who was on sick leave that they would keep his contract open. They then fired him at precisely the same time as he fell into a coma and then died. His wife and disabled child received the news of his dismissal by post.

Luckily the school is struggling to maintain student numbers and looks like it will soon go belly up anyway. However, I only think it is right that their appalling, inhuman behaviour be documented for all to see.

Thank you.

And you find a nice piccy of these LTC professionals here. Pretty they ain't!!

Okay, LTC Eastbourne - over to you now...

A Guided Visualisation: the Magic Board Marker

For many of us unfortunate EFL teachers, the humble board-marker is a mere piece of teaching paraphernalia, a tool to be used in the daily struggle to educate those poor foreign morons in the language of freedom, democracy and untramelled binge-drinking.

However, imagine if it was as elusive as that precious TEFL certificate - Diploma even! Surely we would look upon it with different eyes? Surely ... ah, balls - this guy's gone and done it already...

*******

SCRIPT FOR THE TEACHING GUIDE: (To be read in a gentle trance-inducing voice.) Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths to help you relax. Breathe in the light and breathe out all your tightness. Feel the tension disappear stage by stage from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Let your surroundings fade away as you gradually sink backwards through time and actuality and pass through the gateway of reality into the dreamtime. (When the participants are fully relaxed, begin the next stage.)

Suddenly you find yourself in a different place, somewhere in the countryside, somewhere you remember from a long ago distant time – a time of trust and innocence, far removed from your current everyday concerns. It’s your favourite season of the year and your favourite time of day. A brook leads off into the distance with all kinds of flowers on both banks. Take a minute of clock time, equal to all the time you need, to savour all the sights, sounds and smells of this peaceful place, this place that’s so special for you …..

And now you’re roused from your reveries because you sense you’re no longer alone. You look up from the place where you’ve been resting to see an old man standing in front of you. There’s kindness in his eyes, a smile on his face and he greets you as a friend. Take a minute of clock time, equal to all the time you need, to make the most of this opportunity you’ve been given to meet with this wise old soul …..

"I’ve been expecting you and I knew you’d come. You want your own board-marker, don’t you?" the old man asks.

"Yes, I do!" you reply, without hesitation. Because you know that you’re worthy of this gift and that you will make good use of it.

"Well then, I will give you a board-marker, but remember that you promised to use it only for worthy purposes and not for greed." With this, the old man disappears, and you’re left with the board-marker in your hands. Study it carefully, feel its texture, and note the writing printed on its handle. Treasure it, because its value is immeasurable.

You know it would be all too easy to let the power that you have been given access to go straight to your head. So take a minute of clock time now, equal to all the time you need, to reflect on the uses to which you can put it, for the benefit not only of yourself but also for those near and dear to you …..

Now the time has come for you to return with the magic board-marker - back, back, along the banks of the babbling brook and back to the place you started from. The magic of the board-marker is your own power, the power you have to shape your own destiny – this is the power that has been unveiled to you and that you now hold in your hands. For as long as you believe in this power, its strength will never desert you.

As you retrace your steps along the banks of the brook, once again savour the sights, sounds, and smells of this extra special place, a place you can return to again and again whenever you should feel the need. And as you continue to make your way back, back through the gateway between the two worlds give thanks for the treasure you’ve been blessed with.

Take a deep breath, release it, open your eyes and stretch your arms and legs. Stamp your feet on the ground to make sure you’re really back. Welcome home! Take a few minutes in silence to take some notes of the experiences you had on your journeys, which you can then share with the rest of the group, and make a note of it all in your dream journal.

*******

There's more to follow on this exciting theme soon - and I ain't kidding!!

Crap School - The Burlington [UPDATED]

You see! I've only been back in the country a few weeks, and my TeflTrade spooks are STILL beavering away tirelessly, unearthing crap schools and passing on the news to Sandy. The latest piece of hot 'intelli' concerns a dump in London that rather grandly refers to itself as The Burlington School of English, and that rather gross-looking trout alongside is the Principal.

The report begins: "Several comrades have informed me about the Burlington School of English and how crap it is. They expressed surprise that nothing had been written about it, because everyone they know who's worked there thinks it's shit too."

I can easily believe this asessment, as I once went there for an interview myself, albeit many years back. The labels 'crap' and 'shit' were quick to establish themselves in my mind too, so I see that consistency is also one of their trademarks.

The reports goes on to state that this school pays less than £10 an hour for IELTS teaching, and has a pathetic lack of resources - just dog-eared old textbooks and a few dodgy worksheets. Even worse, the DoS is a disgusting fat bastard who, despite claiming to have ‘run’ a British Council School somewhere abroad (Libya? Saudi?), is utterly lacking in life or brains. On top of that, he has an elevated opinion of himself and is extremely rude and unprofessional in his dealings with staff.

In fact, this all sounds very déjà vu to me - it MUST be the SAME loathsome git of a DoS from way back when!? He was keen to impress on me that he'd worked for the BC in the Gulf, a fact that is hardly something to crow about - unless you're a saddo Tefler, I suppose.

Anyway, somehow The Burlington managed to scrape a measly pass for its British Council accreditation back in 2009. In fact, a closer inspection reveals they didn’t do too well, as the BC report mentions a distinct need for improvement in several areas, and zero areas of excellence.

So - any other news on this dump? Have you worked for this grumpy cunt of a pompous DoS? Please add your comments below!

UPDATE:

At the BSE the starting salary for a newly qualified teacher is £27.50 for a three hour session (20 minute break, unpaid). Those with a whole one year of teaching experience are on £28.50 per session, and the highest rate is £32 for a three hour slot – but only if you have a PGCE!

Incredibly, those teaching university preparation classes every morning for three hours are paid at the same rate, despite having to make do with various ageing coursebooks without CD's and having to make up a syllabus with pretty much no help. Asking the DoS for assistance was a waste of time, as he barely had a pulse.

Moreover, because of new Home Office regulations, the classes are going to be slightly longer with only a ten minute break, so that the students get the full three hours per day. Of course, there has been no mention of any increase in teaching rates to compensate for the extra work.

In fact, there is now a new Dos in place, as the old one left two weeks in advance after being badly treated by the Principal. Perhaps she rattled his coffin? Anyway, the new DoS was obviously more suited to the school, adopting a policy of “hear nothing, say nothing” in order to give the Principal no trouble.

However, one teacher had to keep pestering the guy for days to get ANY information about her new class, so that she could sort out books and prepare. Then he told her on the Friday before that there actually WAS no other class. Since the teacher was on a part-time contract, she was left with nothing but a suggestion of a 3-6pm class, which the dippy DoS knew she could not do owing to other commitments. Cracking management skills, eh?

The following Monday the same teacher, who had already considered herself unemployed, received a text message (the school only ever communicates by text) informing her of a new university preparation course starting the next day – even though she had never taught such courses before. It’s an absolute scandal that a school that is accredited by BC treats its students and teachers in such a shoddy fashion.

In contrast to its obvious failings, the school is extremely good at several things, though. For example, they successfully upset several teachers by putting up in the teachers' room a list of students who fail to improve on their exam grades. Alongside the student's name they put the teacher's name for everyone to see, which understandable causes no small offence.

The teacher concerned no longer works there, as she rightly figured she would be better off working in the domestic care sector. It pays the same money, almost ten quid an hour, but is much less bother – and no planning and marking! So you can see, it’s a cracking place to work at, is the Burlington School of English!

Teacher Censured by General Tefl Council

It gives me mixed feelings to report this unfortunate story concerning a fellow Tefler, one who faces losing his job after being found guilty of ‘professional misconduct’ - repeatedly breaking wind in class and in the staffroom, and thus apparently offending his students and colleagues. Would you credit it!

In my opinion the poor bugger, referred to hereafter as Comrade Perdomai, should be congratulated for making the most apposite of statements regarding his chosen ‘career’. However, the UK’s General TEFL Council takes an apparently dim view of his anal antics, and is soon expected to pass its own wind in the form of announcing his punishment, in the wake of a disciplinary ruling last week.

According to Comrade P’s colleagues and students at the Kosy Kebab School of English in Dalston Junction, the 'rude' and 'inappropriate' Tefler enjoyed breaking wind in front of them as they ate their lunch and carried out grammar tasks. In his defence, Perdomai reportedly claimed he had 'inadvertent' outbreaks of flatulence, especially when preparing classes from Headache Elementary and marking students’ terrible homework.

“I find that whenever I pick up a copy of Headache I end up farting – accidentally, of course” stated the offending Tefler. “It is, after all, a totally natural body function, and it’s absolutely fine to let one rip in the privacy of your own home. It’s only when I started dropping bombs at work that it became a problem” he pleaded.

At a previous hearing in Spring, a fellow Tefler told the panel how she frequently complained to Comrade P about his noxious habit. She said: "I just asked him to put a cork in it. It was getting so annoying. I didn't like the smell around the staff-room and classrooms, and it made us all feel sick – especially when we had large hangovers on Monday mornings." The tribunal also found him guilty of other charges, including his lack of respect for his students, cracking crude jokes about the disabled and ethnic minorities, and regularly swearing in front of students and staff during class time.

Perdomai was also found guilty of asking students to lend him money, especially for his ‘weekend medicine’, and of even looking in their purse or wallet if he didn't believe them when they said they had no cash on them. Committee chairman Maureen O’Flagherty said: "The committee has accepted that you made these financial petitions in such a way that considerable offence was generated. The committee has noted the evidence that if a student did not show any willingness to loan you a little ‘pocket money’, you would abuse them roundly and tell them to nip out to the cash machine immediately."

On some occasions, it was alleged, the foul-mouthed Tefler made rude gestures, such as sticking two fingers up behind the backs of students he didn't like, and referring to unpopular colleagues as ‘wankers’ and ‘douchebags’. In mitigation, Comrade P apologised before the panel members and admitted that his behaviour was juvenile, saying that he had started to feel frustrated at work.

“Teaching the present simple tense day in, day out, for the past six months, had led me to seek subversive pleasures that expressed my personal dissatisfaction with life” Comrade Perdomai explained. “It used to give me a subtle thrill to notice that my silent but deadly classroom deliveries had a lot more kick than usual, so then I began planting them, loitering around the empty staff-room for a few minutes to let the gas flood out, but always leaving the scene of the crime before someone walked in.”

“Then I started getting cocky and I’d just grunt as loudly as possible everywhere. That’s progress, I suppose.”

The General TEFL Council is currently considering an appropriate punishment, which could be as harsh as a month of enforced teaching at EF.

Have you ever farted in the classroom? Have you ever been in the staff-room and caught a whiff of someone’s silent but deadly delivery? Please leave your enlightening comments below…

General Gaddafi - My very small part in his downfall

Actually, the half-shaven Libyan loon has a lot to answer for, in Tefl terms. You see, he alone is the man responsible for Sandy's return to the blogosphere. Were it not for 'Go-Go' Gaddafi's ill-fated act of careless judgement in machine-gunning a few entirely innocent Libyans a couple of weeks back, Sandy McManus would still be shuffling around an oil-field in one of Tefl's least glamorous locations.

Anyway, I am, however, extremely happy to pass on the wonderful news that I somehow did manage to extricate myself from that grim and grimy oilfield in the south-east of Libya, a veritable 'detention centre' that I unwillingly referred to as 'home' for more than three months. Quite how I managed the awesome feat of escapology I refuse to divulge, but Fitzroy MacLean would have been mightily proud of me, I'm sure.

Fact is, the situation there was REALLY grim - I was in real danger of dying of complete boredom. No internet, no booze, and only the muffled gruntings of cute Libyans being 'friendly' with the foreigners to remind me of how coarse the simple act of copulation could be. It would be putting it very mildly to say that I felt left out - alienated, more like it.

And when I get home, I see the Daily Mail shrieking 'MY NIGHT OF HELL!' - too right, mate! In fact, the biggest real news there was that we had an intermittent supply of eggs for a few days. Yes, no eggs. Oh, and a complete lack of drug-crazed black-african desperadoes in hard-hats intent on loot/murder/rape etc., skanking their way through the compound a-robbin-an-a-shootin. I tell you, man - it was TOUGH!

Okay, some dodgy stuff actually did happen - there were a few alarms and even the odd snippet of gunfire, in the distance - but that was days ago, and the end result was ... nothing of any significance at all. In fact, all this crap about a bunch of Ross Kemp types swinging in through windows and kicking open doors is totally bewildering, like sending in the SAS to unblock your drains.

So, the only thing that HM Government really needs to do is hang on for another week or so, and then all the expats could probably get a very good introductory deal with the first Easyjet flight to leave the new independent Libya. However, I suppose the prospect of a trip on one of the Royal Navy's last surviving ships will prove irresistible to many Brits.

So I'm back. Hello, hello.