Saturday, March 5, 2011

Teacher Censured by General Tefl Council

It gives me mixed feelings to report this unfortunate story concerning a fellow Tefler, one who faces losing his job after being found guilty of ‘professional misconduct’ - repeatedly breaking wind in class and in the staffroom, and thus apparently offending his students and colleagues. Would you credit it!

In my opinion the poor bugger, referred to hereafter as Comrade Perdomai, should be congratulated for making the most apposite of statements regarding his chosen ‘career’. However, the UK’s General TEFL Council takes an apparently dim view of his anal antics, and is soon expected to pass its own wind in the form of announcing his punishment, in the wake of a disciplinary ruling last week.

According to Comrade P’s colleagues and students at the Kosy Kebab School of English in Dalston Junction, the 'rude' and 'inappropriate' Tefler enjoyed breaking wind in front of them as they ate their lunch and carried out grammar tasks. In his defence, Perdomai reportedly claimed he had 'inadvertent' outbreaks of flatulence, especially when preparing classes from Headache Elementary and marking students’ terrible homework.

“I find that whenever I pick up a copy of Headache I end up farting – accidentally, of course” stated the offending Tefler. “It is, after all, a totally natural body function, and it’s absolutely fine to let one rip in the privacy of your own home. It’s only when I started dropping bombs at work that it became a problem” he pleaded.

At a previous hearing in Spring, a fellow Tefler told the panel how she frequently complained to Comrade P about his noxious habit. She said: "I just asked him to put a cork in it. It was getting so annoying. I didn't like the smell around the staff-room and classrooms, and it made us all feel sick – especially when we had large hangovers on Monday mornings." The tribunal also found him guilty of other charges, including his lack of respect for his students, cracking crude jokes about the disabled and ethnic minorities, and regularly swearing in front of students and staff during class time.

Perdomai was also found guilty of asking students to lend him money, especially for his ‘weekend medicine’, and of even looking in their purse or wallet if he didn't believe them when they said they had no cash on them. Committee chairman Maureen O’Flagherty said: "The committee has accepted that you made these financial petitions in such a way that considerable offence was generated. The committee has noted the evidence that if a student did not show any willingness to loan you a little ‘pocket money’, you would abuse them roundly and tell them to nip out to the cash machine immediately."

On some occasions, it was alleged, the foul-mouthed Tefler made rude gestures, such as sticking two fingers up behind the backs of students he didn't like, and referring to unpopular colleagues as ‘wankers’ and ‘douchebags’. In mitigation, Comrade P apologised before the panel members and admitted that his behaviour was juvenile, saying that he had started to feel frustrated at work.
“Teaching the present simple tense day in, day out, for the past six months, had led me to seek subversive pleasures that expressed my personal dissatisfaction with life” Comrade Perdomai explained. “It used to give me a subtle thrill to notice that my silent but deadly classroom deliveries had a lot more kick than usual, so then I began planting them, loitering around the empty staff-room for a few minutes to let the gas flood out, but always leaving the scene of the crime before someone walked in.”

“Then I started getting cocky and I’d just grunt as loudly as possible everywhere. That’s progress, I suppose.”

The General TEFL Council is currently considering an appropriate punishment, which could be as harsh as a month of enforced teaching at EF.

Have you ever farted in the classroom? Have you ever been in the staff-room and caught a whiff of someone’s silent but deadly delivery? Please leave your enlightening comments below…


Captain Cory said...

Our staff room is about the same size as a shower cabin. If anybody farts in there we all die.

So 3 months would be a more appropriate sentence, I reckon. And they have to shag the owner's wife (ugh!!)

Ozzy Osborne said...

Use the lash. THE LASH. That's what I did at Windsor, and by jingo the stench was awful. But a few strokes of the sharp-tongued lady and they fell into line sharpish, I can vouch for that.

Anonymous said...

That's a bit lame, Sandy. Running out of ideas ALREADY?!?

William Frederickson said...

i know the solution to this problem:everyone, be they in Tefl or property management, need someone or something to blame their inadvertant anal emissions on.

I have a sidekick named 'Bollocks'Price. In the absence of a flatulent Labrador, Bollocks comes in handy when I have eaten cabbage,Chateaubriand or curry for dinner and then decided to pour a few Guinesses down my gullet at the end of the day.

He looks flatulent, being 5'6 tall with a massive beer gut and bleary eyes/a broken nose, and is easily considered the source of any foul stenches in the vicinity.Were it not for him, then I would have upset clients/not got a blow-job from that nice Polish secretary with the big boobies at Christmas.

His presence has saved me from being 'cunt-blocked'by my own inopportune grunting on a few occasions. Mind you, I did get thumped by him for blowing off in front of his missus.

Everyone needs an assistant like this gentleman:it saves a lot of embarrassment.