In my opinion the poor bugger, referred to hereafter as Comrade Perdomai, should be congratulated for making the most apposite of statements regarding his chosen ‘career’. However, the UK’s General TEFL Council takes an apparently dim view of his anal antics, and is soon expected to pass its own wind in the form of announcing his punishment, in the wake of a disciplinary ruling last week.
According to Comrade P’s colleagues and students at the Kosy Kebab School of English in Dalston Junction, the 'rude' and 'inappropriate' Tefler enjoyed breaking wind in front of them as they ate their lunch and carried out grammar tasks. In his defence, Perdomai reportedly claimed he had 'inadvertent' outbreaks of flatulence, especially when preparing classes from Headache Elementary and marking students’ terrible homework.
“I find that whenever I pick up a copy of Headache I end up farting – accidentally, of course” stated the offending Tefler. “It is, after all, a totally natural body function, and it’s absolutely fine to let one rip in the privacy of your own home. It’s only when I started dropping bombs at work that it became a problem” he pleaded.
At a previous hearing in Spring, a fellow Tefler told the panel how she frequently complained to Comrade P about his noxious habit. She said: "I just asked him to put a cork in it. It was getting so annoying. I didn't like the smell around the staff-room and classrooms, and it made us all feel sick – especially when we had large hangovers on Monday mornings." The tribunal also found him guilty of other charges, including his lack of respect for his students, cracking crude jokes about the disabled and ethnic minorities, and regularly swearing in front of students and staff during class time.
Perdomai was also found guilty of asking students to lend him money, especially for his ‘weekend medicine’, and of even looking in their purse or wallet if he didn't believe them when they said they had no cash on them. Committee chairman Maureen O’Flagherty said: "The committee has accepted that you made these financial petitions in such a way that considerable offence was generated. The committee has noted the evidence that if a student did not show any willingness to loan you a little ‘pocket money’, you would abuse them roundly and tell them to nip out to the cash machine immediately."
On some occasions, it was alleged, the foul-mouthed Tefler made rude gestures, such as sticking two fingers up behind the backs of students he didn't like, and referring to unpopular colleagues as ‘wankers’ and ‘douchebags’. In mitigation, Comrade P apologised before the panel members and admitted that his behaviour was juvenile, saying that he had started to feel frustrated at work.
“Teaching the present simple tense day in, day out, for the past six months, had led me to seek subversive pleasures that expressed my personal dissatisfaction with life” Comrade Perdomai explained. “It used to give me a subtle thrill to notice that my silent but deadly classroom deliveries had a lot more kick than usual, so then I began planting them, loitering around the empty staff-room for a few minutes to let the gas flood out, but always leaving the scene of the crime before someone walked in.”
“Then I started getting cocky and I’d just grunt as loudly as possible everywhere. That’s progress, I suppose.”
The General TEFL Council is currently considering an appropriate punishment, which could be as harsh as a month of enforced teaching at EF.
Have you ever farted in the classroom? Have you ever been in the staff-room and caught a whiff of someone’s silent but deadly delivery? Please leave your enlightening comments below…