Friday, June 17, 2011

British Council 'not ready' for zombie attack

A worried member of the Tefl profession has forced the British Council to admit it is unprepared for a zombie invasion of under-qualified ‘instructors’. The BC received a Freedom of Information request which said provisions to deal with such an attack, often seen in teacher-training horror films, were poor.

The ‘concerned Tefler’ said the possibility of such an event was one that the Council should be aware of, especially when considering that the salaries offered for many of their teaching posts were so much below par that the term ‘instructor’ is now used in their recruitment advertisements.

That Letter in Full

Dear British Council,

Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie Tefler invasion? Having watched several teacher-training films, it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that British Councils throughout the world must prepare for – a sudden influx of under-qualified instructors who are hired on the cheap.

Please provide any information you may have.

Yours faithfully,

Concerned Tefler


"We've had a few wacky ones before (i.e., teachers), but this request did make us laugh," said Sharon Slapper, head of Information Governance at the British Council in London. Ms Slapper said she was unaware of any specific reference to Tefl zombies in the BC’s current recruitment plan, but some elements of it could be applied if the situation arose.

“BC used to insist on teachers with a Diploma at least” she continued “but nowadays we’ll take anybody with a Mickey Mouse Tefl certificate, as long as they’re prepared to work for ‘local salaries’ – peanuts, in other words”. However, she expressed the opinion that the organisation would draw the line at zombies and Crystal Palace fans.

However, Ed Thurlow, who runs zombie website Terror4Fun, said he felt a Tefler zombie invasion of the British Council was highly likely. "I’ve seen some of these types hanging around language schools in Oxford during Summer, and they really scare me. I reckon that this ‘Concerned Tefler’ has got something here” he stated, before disappearing behind a well-known chain school pursued by garishly-painted teenagers clutching newly-acquired Tefl certificates.

18 comments:

MAGNIFICENT said...

WOT no kommentz?? Not even from fun-loving ALEX lower CASE or the other TRIPLET from BRUMMIE UNI halls of RESIDENCE?? It would appear that the Socratick dialogue has encountered the existential choice - DAmm but oh WHY DO I bother?? They won't/can't understand my writing, EVER.

Shighter,Castle-Town said...

Foul and thrice-splatchcocked DESCANTER of the INSALUBRIOUS.
How DARE you IMPERSONATE the EFFULGENT and ALMIGHTY one.My DEFUCKATION is long,classical and makes HARD-ONED veterans quail.As the lowly MARMOSET does prior to its beneath the CANOPY of AMAZONIAN HARDWOOD trees.CONSUMED by FEAR of its impending DOOM engendered thousand fold by HUBRIS.
Unlike you I with my classical and LONG education and DEFUCKATION passed O LEVEL geogrsphy (grade C)
IMPORTUNE me with your NINCOMPOOPISH palaver and musket-shots and I will SCREAM,DEFUCKATE in my HAND and throw my SHIGHT at you.
HEED my ULTIMATUM.I have shaved the HAIRS off the palms of my HANDS in preparation.

PaulSymonLoe said...

Oh tefl man, oh tefl man,

You keep your website spick and span,

And full of many japes and wheezes,

That come as thick and fast as sneezes,

Perhaps you think you've tested me??
Perhaps you've even bested me??

Mais non! Non non! C'est une erreur!
You are a lowly chav poseur!!

What you don't know, you idle fool,
Is I attended PUBLIC SCHOOL.

There I studied prose and syntax
And also how to pay the MIN tax!!

I read Plato & Thucydides
(WOT'S DAT? You say - wot bands are these???)

The end result is that your dRIVEL
Is not enough to make me snivel.

Shighter Parodies said...

Paul Lowe, Paul Lowe,

You are a pretentious son of a dirty hoe.

Failed at being an elusive shyster,

Your greatest achievement has been as a SHIGHTER.

You beleive yourself to be a CLASSICAL WIT,

But all you are is full of SHIT.

You are as unpleasant as strangulated piles

and thou possibly art one of the net's secret PAEDOPHILES.

Perhaps you had a public school education,

but all you have achieved is fame for DEFUCKATION.

Plato and Thucydides?

you think they are STDs.

I might be chav TEFL scum,

But at least i don't take it up the BUM.

Anonymous said...

it's like dr zeuss for sociopaths.

Shighter Parodies said...

Or for those with fucking cunty twatbastard minge and arse rimming bastard fuckin Tourette's Syndrome.COCKSNOT! CHEESY CROTCH HOLE!

Anonymous said...

i'm guessing somebody doesn't have a girlfriend.

MAGNIFICENT said...

O tefl man, this is the third time
That I must send a plucky word rhyme
To battle with your gormless hordes.

BUT swords are pens and pens are swords!!

My words are born of noble birth,
And yours are steeped in plebby mirth.

My words echo the likes of Shakespeare,
While yours derive from too much Brakespeare!

My words were schooled in the home counties,
While yours were fed on Mars and Bounties
And Curly Wurly as a special treat
On days when you trudged off through sleet
To your nasty secondary school
To play the Brummie UNI FOOL.

My words wear regimental blazers,
While yours go armed with sticks and RAZORS

My words can make a maiden swoon,
While yours go barking at the moon!!

My poems make a maiden pant,
While yours are mere repugnant cant.

In short, you DOLT, my words have power,
While yours are fads of but an HOUR.
You never will entrammel me
For I am utter, pure Degree.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

I'm speechless, I really am. I mean, I go away for a few days, and look what the Loonies do - go and trash my blog!

Fuggoff the lot of yer!!

MIGHTER DUNNIT said...

Foulness of the heterodux hench brigade entrammels only that which it seeks to ENSNARE
beyond the glass panels lie the OBVIATE fields of DELINEATION but no not lets go into THAT again

not after your HUMILIATION last time

Ha ha hA

UTTERLY BENIGN said...

Not a skweeek from the Hammer extras, not a murmur from the rapier wits and tilt artists that make up your lozenge of debasement.

PHENOMENAL said...

trapezoidal squaqwk array of the numchuckers behold behold the violet ellipse bastards
i am not he who shall be blamed for nothing NOR shall THE ARCHITRAVE be UNMANNED
A litre of this and a kilo of that is that what it comes to oh YES
BUT the ARCHITRAVE endures
Oh yes
Insect tefler
twitch twitch
The genius endures

EPOCHAL said...

Humding inveterate invertebrate, best buddy of LOWER CASE and his minion brood, essentially irrelevant to my modus operandi and the MAGNIFICENCE which I hold in thrall via means of my own evolution
Only the greatest shall endure
THAT MEANS ME

Bouncing Czech said...

Yes, Paul - we bow down to your superior humanity!

HAMMER OF ASHLEY said...

Consider, please, you TEFL insect,
How our childhoods did BISECT.
You were fed on rancid porridge,
While I attended Private College.
You had chums named Wayne and Garry,
While I with Tarquin, Rupe and Piers did tarry
in our elite symposium
While you fooled on the LINOLEUM!

In short, in brief, you TESOL dummy
I don't find you very funny.

Time for action approaching, folks.

William frederickson, lurking with a shovel and a hard-on near Amy Winehouse's grave... said...

Spectrum ONE: defecating,lying, criminally-convicted fraud,bi-polar cunt,paedophile, 'Frosty Jack's addict and lunatic.

Thank God I am one of the Hammer House of Horror hordes,Paul,you spastic.

I wish I had had the chance to give Amy Winehouse a good old scuttling.Ah, well...can't have everything you want,eh?

TRIUMPHAL said...

Won't can't wont cant wont cant want cont want cant want cant wint cint wint cont wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont cant wont canr

FAIL

GEDDIT??

DuH

Anonymous said...

Nobs