British Council 'not ready' for zombie attack

A worried member of the Tefl profession has forced the British Council to admit it is unprepared for a zombie invasion of under-qualified ‘instructors’. The BC received a Freedom of Information request which said provisions to deal with such an attack, often seen in teacher-training horror films, were poor.

The ‘concerned Tefler’ said the possibility of such an event was one that the Council should be aware of, especially when considering that the salaries offered for many of their teaching posts were so much below par that the term ‘instructor’ is now used in their recruitment advertisements.

That Letter in Full

Dear British Council,

Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie Tefler invasion? Having watched several teacher-training films, it is clear that preparation for such an event is poor and one that British Councils throughout the world must prepare for – a sudden influx of under-qualified instructors who are hired on the cheap.

Please provide any information you may have.

Yours faithfully,

Concerned Tefler

"We've had a few wacky ones before (i.e., teachers), but this request did make us laugh," said Sharon Slapper, head of Information Governance at the British Council in London. Ms Slapper said she was unaware of any specific reference to Tefl zombies in the BC’s current recruitment plan, but some elements of it could be applied if the situation arose.

“BC used to insist on teachers with a Diploma at least” she continued “but nowadays we’ll take anybody with a Mickey Mouse Tefl certificate, as long as they’re prepared to work for ‘local salaries’ – peanuts, in other words”. However, she expressed the opinion that the organisation would draw the line at zombies and Crystal Palace fans.

However, Ed Thurlow, who runs zombie website Terror4Fun, said he felt a Tefler zombie invasion of the British Council was highly likely. "I’ve seen some of these types hanging around language schools in Oxford during Summer, and they really scare me. I reckon that this ‘Concerned Tefler’ has got something here” he stated, before disappearing behind a well-known chain school pursued by garishly-painted teenagers clutching newly-acquired Tefl certificates.

Summer School Caveat Issued!

Well, this is REAL proof that Sandy Mac is losing his marbles day by day. I mean, I almost forgot to post my annual warning about working on Summer Schools! I've written more blog-postings about this particularly nasty type of bonded labour than any other subject, I guess, so it should be at least be a little bit uppermost in my mind.

Anyway, here it goes for 2011. Just click on the link here and you can discover the indiluted truth about slaving your guts out for peanuts while having to endure the most odious types of rich-kid students and semi-alcoholic 'colleagues' (as per above) that you could possibly imagine. I have no wish to crow and repeat the awful cliche of "you have been warned", but ... I'm just pointing it out!

BTW, those idiots amongst you who choose to ignore my sound advice should have some excellent stories to tell come late August. So please do pass your depraved accounts this way.

And if there are any other (over-)seasoned Teflers out there with similar stories of hellish summer schools, I'd be very grateful if you could let me have them too. It's not that I'm hard-up for material, but I do feel that a few fresh tales of Summer School despair and despondency would help to persuade the as-yet undecided to avoid a humiliating fate.

Shock Horror - Teflers are NERDS!!

My latest posting contains a brief report from Agent M, a well-concealed 'deep-throat' operative who is exceedingly well-placed to reveal to unsuspecting Tefl brethren the even seamier side of this appalling business. Or something like that. [Unfortunately the conference image that WAS alongside has had to be removed due to legal threats]

I went to the IATEFL bash at Brighton last month and frankly I ended up lying on the beach alone during some sessions, I was so terribly bored. It saddens me to say it, Sandy, but EFL teachers are officially NO FUN ANYMORE. And that is a change worth reporting, I must say.

I mean, what did these comrades-in-arms of mine end up doing in the breaks? Smoke a spliff or two on the beach? Try chatting up a few horny foreign students? Nope, they all seemed to revel in ... taking out their laptops and doing some sort of twitchy-twitchy work-related thing, ON THEIR OWN!! What a bunch of fuggin' douche-bags!!

OK, I must admit that a colleague of mine talked me into attending a workshop on twittering in a weekend session, as I thought I might actually learn something useful for once. No such luck, though – I was faced by an audience of apparent computer nerds who were twittering throughout. I soon found myself longing for the return of a workforce of drunk, skirt-chasing degenerates who turn up for work sozzled and get into fights. Paradise lost?

I reckon the cause for this outbreak of acute nerdiness could be something like this: as a result of the private sector being too mean to send their staff, all the attendees were goody-goody state school English teachers with no lives. In other words, the die-hard piss-it-all-up-the-wall Teflers from the crappy UK Tefltrade schools had to stay at home.

So, is Agent M right in his hypothesis? Did you go to IATEFL last month? Do you have anything, erm, interesting to report? Did you bump into these three dumpy old slappers alongside there [original picture removed due to threats of legal action from a rich publishing house]? And did you shag any of them, or did you prefer to play with yer fuggin’ Blackberry?

Shame on you all...!!!


And finally, as all of my pictures have fallen foul of the International Copyright Police, I'll just have to leave you with a rare and copyright-free glimpse of Yours Truly instead, attempting to remove them from my computer. The images, I mean, not the copyright cops.

Yeh, that really IS me!!

Language Teaching Centre Eastbourne - The True Unprofessionals!

OK, it's about time for my fortnightly update from one of the less salubrious corners of the Tefl kingdom. I know, I really should try and be more active on this blog, but what with my advancing state of Alzheimers, I can't remember the last time I posted. Shit, I can't even recall the last time I ... erm, what was I saying?

This time it's a verbatim report from one of my Tefl spooks on the south coast of England, where crap Tefl outfits and even crappier Tefl jobs number in their hundreds. Read this one and tell me - go on! - that this sort of Tefl shenanigans ain't as common as dogshit in a public park.

OK, I can't hold back any longer. Eastbourne again - LTC College.

As well as having a psychopath (and I am using the medical term here) as a Principal, their Director of Studies needs to be taken to task. He frequently tries it on with the Asian students, presumably seeing them as soft targets. He takes them to a pub near his 'shag pad', gets them lathered up and takes it from there. One long standing member of staff who politely suggested that this was not cool behaviour was told he was stupid, called a liar, and then 'constructively dismissed.'

The same Director - let's call him Alisdair Goldsworthy, because his mother did - also keeps details of conversations he has in the pub with his colleagues and 'friends.' If he feels like disciplining them, he hauls out his secret files and accuses them of making unprofessional comments about the school. He has used these as an excuse to rid himself of staff on several occasions.

Even worse, he tells teachers to make academic reports 'more negative' if he personally doesn`t like a particular student.

Oh, and there was the time when the school promised an employee who was on sick leave that they would keep his contract open. They then fired him at precisely the same time as he fell into a coma and then died. His wife and disabled child received the news of his dismissal by post.

Luckily the school is struggling to maintain student numbers and looks like it will soon go belly up anyway. However, I only think it is right that their appalling, inhuman behaviour be documented for all to see.

Thank you.

And you find a nice piccy of these LTC professionals here. Pretty they ain't!!

Okay, LTC Eastbourne - over to you now...

A Guided Visualisation: the Magic Board Marker

For many of us unfortunate EFL teachers, the humble board-marker is a mere piece of teaching paraphernalia, a tool to be used in the daily struggle to educate those poor foreign morons in the language of freedom, democracy and untramelled binge-drinking.

However, imagine if it was as elusive as that precious TEFL certificate - Diploma even! Surely we would look upon it with different eyes? Surely ... ah, balls - this guy's gone and done it already...

*******

SCRIPT FOR THE TEACHING GUIDE: (To be read in a gentle trance-inducing voice.) Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths to help you relax. Breathe in the light and breathe out all your tightness. Feel the tension disappear stage by stage from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Let your surroundings fade away as you gradually sink backwards through time and actuality and pass through the gateway of reality into the dreamtime. (When the participants are fully relaxed, begin the next stage.)

Suddenly you find yourself in a different place, somewhere in the countryside, somewhere you remember from a long ago distant time – a time of trust and innocence, far removed from your current everyday concerns. It’s your favourite season of the year and your favourite time of day. A brook leads off into the distance with all kinds of flowers on both banks. Take a minute of clock time, equal to all the time you need, to savour all the sights, sounds and smells of this peaceful place, this place that’s so special for you …..

And now you’re roused from your reveries because you sense you’re no longer alone. You look up from the place where you’ve been resting to see an old man standing in front of you. There’s kindness in his eyes, a smile on his face and he greets you as a friend. Take a minute of clock time, equal to all the time you need, to make the most of this opportunity you’ve been given to meet with this wise old soul …..

"I’ve been expecting you and I knew you’d come. You want your own board-marker, don’t you?" the old man asks.

"Yes, I do!" you reply, without hesitation. Because you know that you’re worthy of this gift and that you will make good use of it.

"Well then, I will give you a board-marker, but remember that you promised to use it only for worthy purposes and not for greed." With this, the old man disappears, and you’re left with the board-marker in your hands. Study it carefully, feel its texture, and note the writing printed on its handle. Treasure it, because its value is immeasurable.

You know it would be all too easy to let the power that you have been given access to go straight to your head. So take a minute of clock time now, equal to all the time you need, to reflect on the uses to which you can put it, for the benefit not only of yourself but also for those near and dear to you …..

Now the time has come for you to return with the magic board-marker - back, back, along the banks of the babbling brook and back to the place you started from. The magic of the board-marker is your own power, the power you have to shape your own destiny – this is the power that has been unveiled to you and that you now hold in your hands. For as long as you believe in this power, its strength will never desert you.

As you retrace your steps along the banks of the brook, once again savour the sights, sounds, and smells of this extra special place, a place you can return to again and again whenever you should feel the need. And as you continue to make your way back, back through the gateway between the two worlds give thanks for the treasure you’ve been blessed with.

Take a deep breath, release it, open your eyes and stretch your arms and legs. Stamp your feet on the ground to make sure you’re really back. Welcome home! Take a few minutes in silence to take some notes of the experiences you had on your journeys, which you can then share with the rest of the group, and make a note of it all in your dream journal.

*******

There's more to follow on this exciting theme soon - and I ain't kidding!!

Crap School - The Burlington [UPDATED]

You see! I've only been back in the country a few weeks, and my TeflTrade spooks are STILL beavering away tirelessly, unearthing crap schools and passing on the news to Sandy. The latest piece of hot 'intelli' concerns a dump in London that rather grandly refers to itself as The Burlington School of English, and that rather gross-looking trout alongside is the Principal.

The report begins: "Several comrades have informed me about the Burlington School of English and how crap it is. They expressed surprise that nothing had been written about it, because everyone they know who's worked there thinks it's shit too."

I can easily believe this asessment, as I once went there for an interview myself, albeit many years back. The labels 'crap' and 'shit' were quick to establish themselves in my mind too, so I see that consistency is also one of their trademarks.

The reports goes on to state that this school pays less than £10 an hour for IELTS teaching, and has a pathetic lack of resources - just dog-eared old textbooks and a few dodgy worksheets. Even worse, the DoS is a disgusting fat bastard who, despite claiming to have ‘run’ a British Council School somewhere abroad (Libya? Saudi?), is utterly lacking in life or brains. On top of that, he has an elevated opinion of himself and is extremely rude and unprofessional in his dealings with staff.

In fact, this all sounds very déjà vu to me - it MUST be the SAME loathsome git of a DoS from way back when!? He was keen to impress on me that he'd worked for the BC in the Gulf, a fact that is hardly something to crow about - unless you're a saddo Tefler, I suppose.

Anyway, somehow The Burlington managed to scrape a measly pass for its British Council accreditation back in 2009. In fact, a closer inspection reveals they didn’t do too well, as the BC report mentions a distinct need for improvement in several areas, and zero areas of excellence.

So - any other news on this dump? Have you worked for this grumpy cunt of a pompous DoS? Please add your comments below!

UPDATE:

At the BSE the starting salary for a newly qualified teacher is £27.50 for a three hour session (20 minute break, unpaid). Those with a whole one year of teaching experience are on £28.50 per session, and the highest rate is £32 for a three hour slot – but only if you have a PGCE!

Incredibly, those teaching university preparation classes every morning for three hours are paid at the same rate, despite having to make do with various ageing coursebooks without CD's and having to make up a syllabus with pretty much no help. Asking the DoS for assistance was a waste of time, as he barely had a pulse.

Moreover, because of new Home Office regulations, the classes are going to be slightly longer with only a ten minute break, so that the students get the full three hours per day. Of course, there has been no mention of any increase in teaching rates to compensate for the extra work.

In fact, there is now a new Dos in place, as the old one left two weeks in advance after being badly treated by the Principal. Perhaps she rattled his coffin? Anyway, the new DoS was obviously more suited to the school, adopting a policy of “hear nothing, say nothing” in order to give the Principal no trouble.

However, one teacher had to keep pestering the guy for days to get ANY information about her new class, so that she could sort out books and prepare. Then he told her on the Friday before that there actually WAS no other class. Since the teacher was on a part-time contract, she was left with nothing but a suggestion of a 3-6pm class, which the dippy DoS knew she could not do owing to other commitments. Cracking management skills, eh?

The following Monday the same teacher, who had already considered herself unemployed, received a text message (the school only ever communicates by text) informing her of a new university preparation course starting the next day – even though she had never taught such courses before. It’s an absolute scandal that a school that is accredited by BC treats its students and teachers in such a shoddy fashion.

In contrast to its obvious failings, the school is extremely good at several things, though. For example, they successfully upset several teachers by putting up in the teachers' room a list of students who fail to improve on their exam grades. Alongside the student's name they put the teacher's name for everyone to see, which understandable causes no small offence.

The teacher concerned no longer works there, as she rightly figured she would be better off working in the domestic care sector. It pays the same money, almost ten quid an hour, but is much less bother – and no planning and marking! So you can see, it’s a cracking place to work at, is the Burlington School of English!

Teacher Censured by General Tefl Council

It gives me mixed feelings to report this unfortunate story concerning a fellow Tefler, one who faces losing his job after being found guilty of ‘professional misconduct’ - repeatedly breaking wind in class and in the staffroom, and thus apparently offending his students and colleagues. Would you credit it!

In my opinion the poor bugger, referred to hereafter as Comrade Perdomai, should be congratulated for making the most apposite of statements regarding his chosen ‘career’. However, the UK’s General TEFL Council takes an apparently dim view of his anal antics, and is soon expected to pass its own wind in the form of announcing his punishment, in the wake of a disciplinary ruling last week.

According to Comrade P’s colleagues and students at the Kosy Kebab School of English in Dalston Junction, the 'rude' and 'inappropriate' Tefler enjoyed breaking wind in front of them as they ate their lunch and carried out grammar tasks. In his defence, Perdomai reportedly claimed he had 'inadvertent' outbreaks of flatulence, especially when preparing classes from Headache Elementary and marking students’ terrible homework.

“I find that whenever I pick up a copy of Headache I end up farting – accidentally, of course” stated the offending Tefler. “It is, after all, a totally natural body function, and it’s absolutely fine to let one rip in the privacy of your own home. It’s only when I started dropping bombs at work that it became a problem” he pleaded.

At a previous hearing in Spring, a fellow Tefler told the panel how she frequently complained to Comrade P about his noxious habit. She said: "I just asked him to put a cork in it. It was getting so annoying. I didn't like the smell around the staff-room and classrooms, and it made us all feel sick – especially when we had large hangovers on Monday mornings." The tribunal also found him guilty of other charges, including his lack of respect for his students, cracking crude jokes about the disabled and ethnic minorities, and regularly swearing in front of students and staff during class time.

Perdomai was also found guilty of asking students to lend him money, especially for his ‘weekend medicine’, and of even looking in their purse or wallet if he didn't believe them when they said they had no cash on them. Committee chairman Maureen O’Flagherty said: "The committee has accepted that you made these financial petitions in such a way that considerable offence was generated. The committee has noted the evidence that if a student did not show any willingness to loan you a little ‘pocket money’, you would abuse them roundly and tell them to nip out to the cash machine immediately."

On some occasions, it was alleged, the foul-mouthed Tefler made rude gestures, such as sticking two fingers up behind the backs of students he didn't like, and referring to unpopular colleagues as ‘wankers’ and ‘douchebags’. In mitigation, Comrade P apologised before the panel members and admitted that his behaviour was juvenile, saying that he had started to feel frustrated at work.

“Teaching the present simple tense day in, day out, for the past six months, had led me to seek subversive pleasures that expressed my personal dissatisfaction with life” Comrade Perdomai explained. “It used to give me a subtle thrill to notice that my silent but deadly classroom deliveries had a lot more kick than usual, so then I began planting them, loitering around the empty staff-room for a few minutes to let the gas flood out, but always leaving the scene of the crime before someone walked in.”

“Then I started getting cocky and I’d just grunt as loudly as possible everywhere. That’s progress, I suppose.”

The General TEFL Council is currently considering an appropriate punishment, which could be as harsh as a month of enforced teaching at EF.

Have you ever farted in the classroom? Have you ever been in the staff-room and caught a whiff of someone’s silent but deadly delivery? Please leave your enlightening comments below…

General Gaddafi - My very small part in his downfall

Actually, the half-shaven Libyan loon has a lot to answer for, in Tefl terms. You see, he alone is the man responsible for Sandy's return to the blogosphere. Were it not for 'Go-Go' Gaddafi's ill-fated act of careless judgement in machine-gunning a few entirely innocent Libyans a couple of weeks back, Sandy McManus would still be shuffling around an oil-field in one of Tefl's least glamorous locations.

Anyway, I am, however, extremely happy to pass on the wonderful news that I somehow did manage to extricate myself from that grim and grimy oilfield in the south-east of Libya, a veritable 'detention centre' that I unwillingly referred to as 'home' for more than three months. Quite how I managed the awesome feat of escapology I refuse to divulge, but Fitzroy MacLean would have been mightily proud of me, I'm sure.

Fact is, the situation there was REALLY grim - I was in real danger of dying of complete boredom. No internet, no booze, and only the muffled gruntings of cute Libyans being 'friendly' with the foreigners to remind me of how coarse the simple act of copulation could be. It would be putting it very mildly to say that I felt left out - alienated, more like it.

And when I get home, I see the Daily Mail shrieking 'MY NIGHT OF HELL!' - too right, mate! In fact, the biggest real news there was that we had an intermittent supply of eggs for a few days. Yes, no eggs. Oh, and a complete lack of drug-crazed black-african desperadoes in hard-hats intent on loot/murder/rape etc., skanking their way through the compound a-robbin-an-a-shootin. I tell you, man - it was TOUGH!

Okay, some dodgy stuff actually did happen - there were a few alarms and even the odd snippet of gunfire, in the distance - but that was days ago, and the end result was ... nothing of any significance at all. In fact, all this crap about a bunch of Ross Kemp types swinging in through windows and kicking open doors is totally bewildering, like sending in the SAS to unblock your drains.

So, the only thing that HM Government really needs to do is hang on for another week or so, and then all the expats could probably get a very good introductory deal with the first Easyjet flight to leave the new independent Libya. However, I suppose the prospect of a trip on one of the Royal Navy's last surviving ships will prove irresistible to many Brits.

So I'm back. Hello, hello.

Suspension of Service

Yes, I'm afraid to have to inform you that Sandy McManus has applied for leave to take early Winter hibernation, and shall be doing so with immediate effect. Fact is, there's far too many things going on in my life these days, and the mere thought of blogging obliges me to groan internally.

So I'll be lying very low, although I'll still be keeping an eye on things - just not allowing myself to pass the expected SM comment on the wild proceedings of one of the country's top industries, the Tefl Trade.

And don't forget to send in for my amusement those pearls of wisdom that pass for management in the UK Tefl scene. I'm going to need a fair bit of cheering up over the coming months!

Hast pronto, comrades!

PS: BTW, I've switched on the moderation facility for the comments. Got to keep that Windsor loony at bay!

Great TEFL Inventions

Sandy McManus is extremely proud to introduce a novel departure on The Tefl Tradesman - a critical look at new developments in the field of pedagogical hardware and technology. To those of my critics (apparently there are some) who feel I am an educational luddite, wholly unqualified to pass comment on any classroom contraption beyond a stick of chalk and the ever-present cat-o-nine-tails, I proudly say 'bollocks!'.

No. 1. The Communicative Chair
This comfortable item of classroom furniture has been designed exclusively with the communicative classroom in mind. Those rubber spikes bend and fold when the occupant first sits down, whilst inside them, the carefully concealed steel pins gradually release themselves on a timer mechanism. After ten short minutes, the occupant is forced to get up and do some pointless mingling activity, ask a spectacularly dumb information-gap type of question, or ask their class colleagues how many times they watch TV, eat ice-cream, and fall over drunk.

These essential items can also be used in the staffroom, to stop teachers from falling asleep, and as a means of preventing the homeless ones from adopting the teachers' room as their downtown residence. These seats are indeed extremely versatile, and no serious language school should be without one - or a couple of dozen.

No. 2. The Tefl Taser
This recent addition to the tools employed by the forces of law and order has now been adapted for use in the classroom, and is gradually replacing the electric cattle prod as a means of ensuring total classroom compliance. When students appear reluctant to participate in the teacher's favourite senseless activities and pointless games, a quick high-voltage blast from the Tefl Taser restores the party atmosphere and keeps them in the mood for more mingling! This most versatile of educational tools can also be used, when turned up to maximum, to incinerate students who cheat in tests or do anything that annoys the teacher. The DOS can also think of other interesting ways of using them too, no doubt!

These two modern tools of classroom management can, when used in tandem, provide the students with a rich learning environment. Can your school seriously do without them?