Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Alice in Wonderland EFL Coffee Shop

Curses! Dammit! Just when I thought I had completed a masterfully irresistible lampoon of a certain well-known and contemporary Tefl guru, what goes and bloody happens? I lose the bloody thing. So come on - who stole my memory stick? I mean, all those hours of hard graft I'd put in at work when I was supposed to be teaching, and some little scrote goes and swipes it ... There's no justice in the world, is there?

Or whatever. So here's what has to be then - one from the archives (again) of my former Tefl Trade blog (RIP, PBUH)). In fact, it's not at all offensive, just designed to give you a giggle or two. Anyway, don't send your application to ME, please, but to the evil madman mentioned below - Dr Kim, the Fu Man Chu of EFL!! (And just where IS Dr Kim these days? His e-mail address has expired, so has he too??)


The Alice in Wonderland Coffee Shop, Amsterdam

Due to the departure of a difficult staff member, Amsterdam's unique Alice in Wonderland Coffee Shop is looking to fill the following position:-

Part-Time EFL Instructor/Bar Attendant.

Come and join our international team of instructor-servers in our thematic interactive interior!

Originally opened in 1972 by an American hippie-refugee, our coffee-shop sells the finest marijuana and hashish, and has been ranked as the #1 smoke shop by various US student travel guides.

Due to rising demand, in 2005 we began offering short-term English language study in tutorial settings to overseas students.

We offer a 20-hour workload, plus free accommodation in our adjacent guesthouse.
  • Application requirements:-
  • RSA Diploma (or CELTA will do)
  • A customer-friendly attitude
  • Must be a smoker
  • Theatrical training (but no prima-donnas)
  • Knowledge of various rock bands from 1965 to 1974
The job is suitable for all genders; male, female or mixed/doubtful.

The job duties will include the following:-
  • Teaching English in tutorial settings, and designing ways to implicitly promote world knowledge of progressive rock music
  • The applicant must be willing (and able) to maintain the psychology and appearance of Alice 24/7; in the coffee shop, in the guest house, and in the street, as our teachers actively promote our products and services throughout the city.
  • Two days per month are designated 'Alice-free' days.
As this is a challenging position, two people may share the job (but not the same person). However, both will be responsible for ensuring that Alice attire is worn at all times. Any violation of this rule will result in the immediate dismissal of both parties.

Short-listed applicants will be invited to Amsterdam to provide a teaching demonstration while under the influence of our famous 'SuperSkunk'. This is in order to test the applicant's endurance and suitability for the post.

The Alice in Wonderland Coffee Shop is a fun but challenging working environment. Even some of our most well-adjusted employees have lost their minds.

We actively participate in Dr Kim Min Su's avant garde research into the effects of bong-smoking and language acquisition, via our integrated 'Ganja, Grammar and Giggles' course.

For more information about the above post, please contact our representative for international hiring, the visionary Dr Kim Min Su, at the address below.


So, there you go - don't say I never try to be positive on this blog! It's nice to be able to 'turn somebody on' to something good once in a while, innit, eh?!

Meanwhile, here's a picture I found on the web of the Course Co-ordinator for the above 'Ganja, Grammar and Giggles' course. I can't recall his name - and neither can he!


Pim Waldeck said...

Is this supposed to be funny?

I think you shall be hearing from us soon unless you remove this post immediately.

Pim Waldeck

The TEFL Tradesman said...

Pim who? Never heard of yer, mate!

Shaun Ryder said...

It was good when Dr Kim was still free. Still, there's plenty to be learned in prison, 'opefully 'e will come out a wiser man.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

WHAT?!?! You mean Dr Kim has been busted? That lovable old rogue, the inventor of 'Ganja, Grammar and Giggles' is doing a stretch in an Amsterdam jail?

I can't believe it - I'm shocked. I need a smoke to cope ... Where are you when you're really needed, Dr Kim?

Dr Kim said...

Sandy, Shaun. Hi. I focus on my Art.
I should know soon. They want to put me in issue with Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin. Yes, Damien, Tracey and your Dr Kim. I serious. U want to know when. Seriusly. they want art show I burn down centre.
Maybe they need art show reviwers. I say "sandy" "shaun" prefect, punk reviwers, but no swearing, no joke racism. Serius. Famous artist, rock star manager on board. U like?

The TEFL Tradesman said...

Yeh man, I like - too much! I always fancied trying to make a cult of myself, so the reviewer thing has to be a goer, eh? Better than this blogging lark anyway - where has it ever got me?!

Don't fancy rubbing shoulders, or any other part of my anatomy, with the likes of Emin and Hurst, though. A right pair of pretentious cunts they are!

dr kimm said...

ohohoh editor really like tracy and says damien is god, so maybe he not like your perpsective? are you sure? you all same - all grew up in council, piss everyone off, but they make ART. Only difference.

Sorry Candy not here for spell check.

you don't love tracey? she make dirty knickers art. and show it tate and sell for it for thousands.

you try. then you are conceptual artist like me.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

Sorry mate, but I don't believe that you're the REAL Dr Kim - your English is too good!

I heard that the REAL Dr Kim had gotten himself banged up in an A'dam prison. 'Sright, innit?!

kms said...

Prison at Netherlands is like vacation, and it's not like the prison on the infected island... sorry, I saw that movie and at first I think it BBC World documentarie and why we all run from the UK tourist here.

I show editor your writing he love it but he say no racism and OTFT shit. He think Sandy LITE is prefect. You go to show at Tate Modern museum and write what you want but no legal bulls shit. But you must secret come out of closet. Many secret academics work met them.

By the tossin way, Shaun Ryder is NOT real!!! My new friend know him and say he not drunk of Finlandia. I shocked. Why double agent.


Shaun Ryder said...

'E fookin' is real. I'm wonderin' about this new Dr Kim though...

Dr Fookin Kim said...

OK fijn. I email my friend en ask for you telephone nummer. The 'Shaun Ryder' is in Leeds. Our friend is in AUS now. Know who he is, faux Ryder?

It same Kim. Remememeber Helsinki wind-up? If you is real Shaun Ryder then u finallly meet Dr Kim and I invitation you Amsterdam.

? said...

by the tossin way, i am not new PL. I am dr fookin kim, your lovable efl visionary. hehe