Great TEFLers of our time: the truth piddles out...

Yes, it gives me no small grain of pleasure to reveal to the rest of you Tefl rabble that I was recently given exclusive access to Scotland Yard's files on subversive Teflers. Of course, we all suspected that being a celebrated Tefl guru was merely a flimsy cover for a whole array of despicable and beastly activities, and I'm pleased to say that we were all right. Well, most of us were - and most of the time, anyway.

So, kindly note below the names of the great and good of our industry, who have all been detained at Her Majesty's Displeasure for a wide range of violent, shameful, and alcohol-related crimes, from fraud to fornication. Ah, the pride it gives me, being a member of such a multi-talented gang of geezers!

Of course, in true Tefler spirit, I have disguised this bit of not-so innocent fun as a matching exercise. So, just match the miscreant Tefler with the correct misdemeanour, and plonk your answer in the comments box below. I promise a full crate of Old Speckled Hen to the first downtrodden Tefl Tradesperson to get 100%! ...

Tefler

1. Jeremy Harmer 2. Jennifer Jenkins 3. Mario Rinvolucri
4. Jim Scrivener 5. Scott Thornbury 6. Lindsay Clanfield

Crime

A. During a recent IATEFL conference in Exeter, this solitary Tefler took to the river in a stolen pedalo with a serious cargo of contraband alcohol. He had to be rescued by the coastguards when he was seen to be drifting unconscious into the English Channel, and was later arrested for being drunk in charge of a sea-going vessel.

B. This cad was arrested for drink-driving after being found in a country lane with a female Tefl groupie. When her husband turned up at 3 a.m., the semi-naked Tefler sped off and drove into a lamp-post.

C. This well-endowed Tefler was caught on camera in a nightclub, with his tackle hidden (just about) by the label of a beer-bottle. He was given a firm bollocking by his publishers, and was dismissed from from his advisory position to a certain University. Since that event he has been known affectionately as 'Budweiser'.

D. On the bus back to college after taking her students on an excursion, this particular Tefl loony ordered the bus to stop at a pub owned by the director of her school. When it came to paying, and after several rounds of top-quality 'sauce', she referred the barman to the same director to cover the bill. She was later arrested for 'Intent to Deceive'.

E. Upon being unable to rouse the night porter at 4 a.m. at a certain Spanish hotel where he was staying during an EFL conference, this resourceful Tefler stole a motorbike, rode up the establishment's steps, and careered through the plate glass window of the main door. Not only did he need 30 stitches at hospital, he had chosen the wrong hotel.

F. This sociable Tefler became extremely tired and emotional (i.e. drunk and abusive towards his fellow passengers) on a flight to an EFL conference in Turkey. After attempting to wrestle the last remaining bottle of brandy from a hostess, he had to be beaten back into his seat with a fire-extinguisher, and was thrown off the plane in Greece.

So, there you go. Remember, submit your answers below, and you could be the lucky recipient of that crate of amber nectar!