Another Regent Rip-Off?

I must admit, I was attracted by this recent statement by a former employer of mine on tefl.com - TEACH ENGLISH FROM YOUR HOME. I mean, I've always fancied being able to jump out of the shower, slurp down some Earl Grey, and get straight down to business. And it had to be some sort of video-conferencing teaching idea, right?

But no. Apparently you're expected to “host and teach English to foreign students of all ages.“ Oh, Jesus fuck – you have to let the bastards into your own home?! What sort of self-respecting Tefler would EVER let a student see the squalor and degradation that he is obliged to live in! You'd have to rid all the ash-trays of incriminating substances, and chuck away those empty bottles of Sainsbury's Rioja that have been piling up in the front garden. It'd take AGES!

However, let's not dismiss the idea too hastily, here. After all, this could be a very reasonable alternative to spending a couple of hours commuting to and from work every day, putting up with crackpot colleagues, and enduring the wrath of the incompetent and usually half-sober DoS. Even better, you would no longer have to pretend that you actually enjoy trying to teach a room full of whacky foreigners. So I read on with interest.

“Regent Home Tuition requires welcoming teachers with comfortable homes within one hour of our Language School in Bournemouth, Bristol, Brighton, Cambridge, Edinburgh, London and Oxford.“

Hmm - could I possibly describe my tatty terraced house as 'comfortable'? Perhaps if I bought some proper furniture, yes - but that's a big ask, I can tell you. However, maybe with the aid of the IKEA catalogue, and bit of hunting round the skips of the posher parts of East Sussex, I could put up a reasonable show of comfort and prosperity. Which leaves the most important question, of course - how much are they paying?

Well, as for what Regent rather pompously refer to in their advert as 'Compensation', it works out not too bad...

“Up to £650 per week, depending on type of accommodation you offer, the age of the student and the type of course.“

Now that's not at all bad, is it? For five morning a week of head-banging grammar and skills work, plus the odd afternoon spent walking in the park and chatting in pidgeon English, you get almost a hundred quid a day. Oh yes, you have to play the ever-agreeable host at the weekend too, it appears. But maybe it's do-able, eh?

However, knowing Regent to be a far from altruistic organisation, I wondered just how much they were planning to charge the students for this blissful example of domestic pedagogy. Needless to say, the result, when I found it, came as a bit of a shock...

On their 'Home Tuition' website it outlines what they charge the punters for what it refers to as "a unique programme combining excellent intensive language training, while living in the home of your personal tutor" and "a highly intensive total immersion course in which your language skills develop quickly and naturally."

Actually, it probably isn't any of the above. What you'll likely get is a few pages of Murphy's grammar squeezed in between endless cups of tea and watching AM TV. And, of course, if you're really lucky, you'll get the chance to socialise with a family like that pictured alongside, who will be able to provide endless hours of entertainment, recounting their stories of thrills and adventure at the hands of the local police, social security snoopers, and the occasional employer.

However, let me not digress, as what's really interesting to note here is the wide disparity between what the poor old punter pays Regent, and what Regent pay the teacher. In fact, the teacher pockets much less than half of the fees, as you'll realise if you look at these charges the students will have to cough up. ..

* 25 one-to-one hours: 1 week - £1770 per week, 2-3 weeks - £1690 per week
* 20 one-to-one hours: 1 week - £1470 per week, 2-3 weeks - £1390 per week

Jesus Christ - that's one hell of a difference, eh?! Your 650 measly quid carries a 1000 quid surcharge that Regent get to trouser! What's more, I notice that their rates have increased almost 25% since last year, which means, I guess, that there must be a good market out there, willing to pay premium rates for top-notch accomodation and teaching.

And of course, if you want to go for the En-Suite accommodation, there's a supplement of £100 per week to pay on top. In my house, I'd recommend that option, as the family khazi is a touch primitive, even though it has recently been brought in from the end of the garden. So I'd need to think about converting the larder into some sort of en-suite crapper.

Joking aside, though, it seems incredible that the student could be paying out almost 1800 quid a week, whereas the most a teacher will see of that is 650 – just over a third! Not bad profit for Regent, eh, just for advertising somebody else's house and teaching skills on the web. And you have to put up with a total fuckin' stranger sleeping in your bed, eating your food, and swigging back the family whisky for the entire week - what a rip-off!!

Anyway, as a result of the above news, I have now decided to adopt a totally new life plan. Firstly, we're going to sell our bijou two-up two-down terraced workman's cottage in Skidrow-on-Sea and find a rather larger and more agreeable place somewhere around the West-ish country. Somewhere between Dorset and Devon should be nice, I reckon.

Then I'm going to start my own, very personal, 1-to-1 tuition business (Regent can stuff themselves), using the internet to lure potential mugs, I mean customers, from the so-called 'cash-rich economies' of Russia and South America. I anticipate a fluent stream of eager learners making their way to my exclusive detached residence, happy to fork out 1500 quid a week for a few hours of indifferent teaching, quality whiskey, and feeding the ducks in the local park.

By all appearances, home-tuition is becoming such big business these days, especially if you've got a pad with a swimming pool and a tennis court, that the wife and kids will be kept quite busy improving their construction skills. I mean, it can't take that long to dig a pit and fill it with water, can it? We all used to do something similar before things such as toilets got installed, right? In fact, they can all go and live in a caravan at the end of the garden, like real paddies, while I supervise their attempts to create the necessary material environment for the discerning punters.

And, on the weeks there's no punters, I can spend my time researching the local ales and curries, doing a spot of fishing, or just 'cruising' for exotic cheeses at the local supermarket. It'll be idyllic!

So that's it then - fuck the lot of yer! I've had enough of making money for the rest of the world, and now I'm gonna do it for myself!