Two Down, One To Go

Sandy McManus - Exposed At Last!

I guess a lot of you out there have missed out on this latest revelation, but I have apparently been outed as ... Philip Kerr! No, I don't mean the Philip Kerr from Scotland who writes intriguing novels, I mean the English one who writes EFL books. Yes, that's him in the piccy alongside - not a scrap as handsome as the real article, I can tell you!

Anyway, I'll have you all know that I take this misunderstanding as a serious affront to my writing skills and general integrity. I mean, comparing the multi-talented blogger Sandy McManus with a mere scribbler of Tefl tat - oh, come on, fer chrissake!

If you still don't have a clue what I'm on about, which is entirely understandable, may I refer you to my Windsor Swindler blog, where the object of my attentions, the odious convicted fraudster and Tefl pariah Paul Lowe, believes he has unearthed the truth behind my identity. That's right - he thinks I'm Philip Kerr, and that PK is just me without the unkempt facial hair.

If you look at this particular blog posting from last month, which highlights Paul Lowe's aggressive attempts to rejoin the Tefl fraternity by his usual means of bullying and threatening the wrath of a lawyer or two, you'll notice that it has attracted almost 150 comments to date - must be some sort of record, no?

Anyway, you'll probably also notice that most of these comments come from the supremely troubled mind of Mr Lowe himself, in the name of 'the tefl enquirer'. A lot of his comments are also posted anonymously, which probably reflects his bipolar mental and emotional state, but the 'defecatory' style of writing is immediately recognisable as belonging to the Berkshire Bullshitter alone.

Coming abruptly to the point, he firmly believes that he has unfrocked the unfortunate Mr Kerr as the driving force behind Sandy McManus. Yes, I kid thee not, matey. Have a look at this, for an example...

Anonymous said... the brussels sprout and the family of vegetables!!!!‏

From: sandy mcmanus (teflsandy@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent: 22 April 2010 10:27:11
To: teflsandy@yahoo.ie; olivertwist1837@yahoo.co.uk

the brussels sprout and the family of vegetables!!!! guess what we're having for dinner???? heeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeee PHILIP KERR seems remarkably quiet these days but... wait what is this ????? his magnificent legal teams all clad in the real true truthful armour of shining true truth have begun massing at the borders of truthland in the county to TRUTHSHIRE and now we can see their shining swords of truth-ness and truth badges all shouting about the TRUTH today tomorrow and the next day and.....

And there's lots more of the same verbal equivalent of a retarded pensioner dribbling into his cold soup. All in all, it makes for very sad reading indeed.

In fact, this entire 'incident', if I can call it that, has finally made me realise what others have been telling me for years - that Paul Lowe has serious mental and emotional problems. I mean, I do remember that during his trail for fraud last year his lawyer entered a plea of mitigation, referring to his client's 'depersonalisation disorder', but it didn't register with me - in fact, I thought it was just another attempt by the Swindler to avoid the grasp of justice.

Now, however, I do understand that he is a seriously sick man, one who deserves our sympathy rather than our enmity. I mean, who else but a mentally disturbed person would seriously claim to be "a brilliant man with an unmistakable mark of genius upon him", or would claim for himself "sheer class, sheer verve and wit and balls enough to go for it", not to mention believing himself to be one of "those ... who are set apart by class, education and innate intellect".

And if you still don't believe me, try this ...

This is a letter to all of those in the TEFL and EFL Industry who will, no doubt, have been dimly aware of a foul smell from one quarter of the industry for a very long time now-

the man making the smell poses as "sandy MacManus" a disaffected teacher and vox popular (he imagines) of the tefl world

we have very good intelligence now that this man is none other than Philip KERR, a minor figure in EFL/TEFL already and someone you may not, even his wife and children, mother and father, may not have associated with these acts of poison sociopathological obsession-

Philip KERR has been spreading his caustic and often obscene messages across various media and it is now time to expose him to the industry and beyond

we wait to hear what he is intending to say on the matter (maybe he will employ a lawyer to scare us off!) .... we will keep you posted.

Indeed, I shall certainly keep you posted on this matter. However, more importantly, as a result of my tardy recognition of PK's warped emotional and mental condition, I shall be discontinuing the Windsor Swindler blog very soon. I mean, although it may be a noble thing to publicly hassle a convicted liar, cheat and general Tefl pariah, it's extremely unedifying to find oneself guilty of hounding a person who has serious mental issues to cope with. Therefore the plug will be pulled on the blog at the end of this month.

Anyway, it's not as if there isn't enough information available on the web about the Berkshire Bully's illegal and unethical ways. Just google 'Paul Lowe' or 'Windsor English' and you'll see what I mean.

So bye-bye Paul ... it's been a long and complicated relationship, ours has, and ultimately I just feel sorry for you - but not half as sorry as I feel for your victims. May you rot in Hell.

SM (not PK)

TEFL Mythodology #3 - The Sexical Approach

The Sexical Approach is popularly believed to be a cunning method for both teaching foreign languages and seducing students, and was developed by an unemployed EFL teacher called Michael Lewdis in the 1990s. This technique has enjoyed great popularity in EFL schools all over the world, and was thought to have been responsible for the large increase in sexually-transmitted diseases that swamped Europe in the later years of the decade.

The basic concept on which this approach rests is the idea that EFL teachers enjoy shagging more than teaching, so if the latter can be exploited as a route to the former, all will be well in the classroom. Therefore, in the Sexical Approach, instruction focuses on carefully chosen fixed expressions that occur frequently in dialogues, and which Lewdis claims often result in a legover. The teaching of chunks and set phrases are therefore cunningly skewed to be able to reflect a sexual agenda, and then become common in the student's English, resulting in frequent sexual encounters for EFL teachers, both male and female.

In his review of the approach, Dieter Kranz wrote "The Sexical Approach can be summarized in a few words: bunk-ups and blow-jobs. The language consists not merely of traditional grammar and vocabulary, but often of multi-word prefabricated chunks that can be employed in a wide range of sexual situations." For example, the simple question 'Where is your toilet?' can be given a sexual purpose, especially if the speaker wishes to 'clean up' after a steamy session on the couch. Equally, the word 'toilet' can be replaced with 'bedroom' or 'condom', and a whole range of legover opportunities arise for the fortunate EFL teacher.

April 13 - 'Kiss an Israeli' Day!

That's right! Sandy McManus goes all agitprop and token political gestures with an anti-Israeli rant.

Actually, I don't need to rant. Just look at the facts, especially concerning the horrors of everyday life in occupied Palestine, from these extremely enlightening websites...

http://palestinenotes.blogspot.com/

http://notesfrompalestine.blogspot.com/

http://www.freedomfiles.org/archives/flagburn.htm

If you're still not motivated to rush out and shag a Zionist imperialist with a long beard and a funny hat, just bear in mind the following comparisons...

• Israel and South Africa (apartheid regimes)
• Israel and Nazi Germany ('lebensraum' - West Bank - to the East for the 'Master Race')
• Israel and America (colonialism that eradicates native cultures and people)

Yes, spare a thought for the dispossessed Palestinians, who are losing their land on a daily basis and being treated like third class citizens in their own country. Well done to Israel and their government of colonising religious fascists!

And give some thought to the good old US of A, those champions of democracy who prop up an occupying military power (the second largest army in the world!) and its apartheid regime to the tune of tens of billions of dollars per year in aid and preferential trade agreements. Without them, Israel would be ... well, just a small country led by a regime of ethnic-cleansing bigots and murderers.

You can read all about it here: http://www.lrb.co.uk/v28/n06/john-mearsheimer/the-israel-lobby

Or you just might prefer not to think about it.

Sandy's Alternative Guide to EFL Conference Protocol

Go on - admit it. You went, didn't you. And it was twice as dreadful as they told you it would be - wasn't it! Well, you've only got yourself to blame, intcha, eh? Next time, pay attention to Sandy, right...?

So what in Judge Dread's name am I waffling about this time? Well, that Tefl conference that took place recently in Harrogate - yes, fuggin' Harrogate, of all places! I mean, if I could think of a place that conjures up visions of premature death through chronic boredom, it just has to be Harrogate. I bet even the old biddies snort crack up there, the place is so dull.

Anyway, just so that you don't get caught out again next year, here's Sandy's Alternative Guide to Tefl Conferences. Even if you do get the short straw next time, following this advice will entail your being remembered as a true Tefl hero and odd-ball for a good while - or at least until the next conference, anyway. More importantly, I can guarantee that you'll NEVER be sent to attend an EFL conference again, unless your employer wants his humble language school to suffer the same sort of very public shaming and professional humiliation twice.

First and foremost is the dress code. Never EVER attend in a suit or even dressed in smart-casual mode, as this will announce to all the Tefl world that you are but another saddo who couldn't get a job in management at Tesco's and chose the tacky Tefl path instead. And anoraks don't really belong to the 21st century, do they, so that option's out too. Fancy dress, as in the piccy above, could be an option, but you might be thought of as a mere eccentric, rather then the weirdo that you truly are.

No, you need to think 'MAXIMUM IMPACT', which typically involves having large amounts of nose-rings on show, cheesy henna tattooes on your arms, and plenty of spotty flesh on display. Nipple piercings are an option, but best left for the post conference bash at the pub, when you do your Lisa Minelli impressions on the pool table. Of course, the sort of attire that accompanies these shenanigans is the loose-fitting beach variety, so stock up on flip-flops and speedo shorts, with one of those luminous singlets with the number 69 on it in broad type. There, you look like a true Tefl conference hero now!

But clothes alone do not the Tefler make, so it's important to adopt the required behavioural patterns of the determined conference clone - right?! I mean, you want to be absolutely sure of making the desired impression, so make sure that you always sit right at the very front of every session that you attend. Smile inanely like some old duffer on medication, wink knowingly at the presenter, just to make her/him feel extra nervous, and scratch your nether regions frequently.

Then, in order to cause maximum discomfort and annoyance to each speaker, laugh at the wrong moments, especially the most inappropriate ones. If you feel your attention slipping, start playing with the ring-tones on your phone, at full volume of course, and then stand up and apologise profusely and loudly to everybody present. Sit down with a loud fart, and then stand up and apologise again. Then sit down again slowly and start fishing in your bag for a sandwich or a sausage roll - which you naturally offer to your neighbour first. Pick out your toe-jam with a tooth-pick, and flick the stick at the presenter, just to show your appreciation.

Interrupting and asking stupid questions will make it very clear that you haven't understood a single word of the presenter's codswallop, and will annoy your fellow Teflers immensely. Feel the ripples of discomfort pulsate with agonising predictability as you butt in with "But didn't Krashen write Headway?" or "Yeah, that Vygotsky guy - didn't he give a presentation here last year?".

Another important thing to bear in mind is that food is often supplied free at some stage of the conference, so make sure you bring enough doggy-bags with you. Even if the grub is not free of charge, just lurch up to unsuspecting diners and shout "Are you gonna eat that last little sausage?" while waving your grubby little doggy bag at them. You'll be surprised at the responses you get, I can assure you.

When you get back to your school and go through the tiresome rigmarole of a 'cascade session' with your colleagues - the lucky ones who didn't get forced to go - create a presentation to remember. Show them your colourful and carefully correlated pie-charts full of simplified regression analysis relating to the number of 'erm' and 'um' utterances you heard. They'll be truly impressed - especially your boss.

I kid you not - you'll NEVER get asked (or told) to attend another Tefl conference in your life. And that just HAS to be good news, eh!?