Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Flatulence in the Classroom

Have your classroom performances ever been 'wind-assisted'? Do you often make appropriate usage of the flatulence factor, weaving an inspired and informative performance around the acrid aromas of your toxic anal emissions?

If so, I just might have found a new approach to teaching EFL that is right up your, erm ... 'street', I suppose. It's an article called 'Off the Beaten Path', and it's one of those loony attempts to justify doing bonkers things in the classroom, all in the name of 'radical methodology' ... I suppose.

The article has been published, of course, by that veritable refuge of charlatan theatricals in EFL teaching, Humanistic Language Teaching. And let's be honest here folks - where would all we Teflers be without our regular dose of the whacky HLT mag? Where indeed would we ALL be without that veritable army of Mario Rinvoloonies, who are ready, at the drop of several screwed up pieces of paper masquerading as a ball, to indulge in some of the most absurd pedagogical posturing imaginable, all in the name of turning a fast buck - oops, I mean, turning our heads, of course!

The article's a real cracker in modern methodology and its application in ... erm, teaching something or other. For starters, it recommends the application of PO as a way of "challenging ideas or stirring up new ones". PO means, by the way, Provocative Operation - a bit like this blog, I suppose; and the founder of PO, Edward de Bonkers, might well have been inspired to create his dear PO after a session gazing at these very pages of Sandy McManus. Maybe.

In fact, surely this is no coincidence here? I mean, I often shout PO - as in 'Piss Off' - when I hear ideas like this: "ask the entire class to remember new words by tattooing them all over their bodies".

Yes, that was PO1, which de Bonkers describes as "using a bad idea as a springboard for good ones." I'm sure I don't need remind you that De Bonkers is standing squarely on Tefl terra firma here, as the whole game is notorious for its bad ideas in the first place!

I mean, not only is the entire PO approach pure madness, it's the sort of madness that attracts a certain type of Tefl twerp by the busload. For example, there's also 'PO2', which involves juxtaposing two unrelated ideas, such as this: "the phrase 'TV cabbage' should conjure up some inventive combinations, such as a TV made of edible cabbage leaves, or a cabbage channel".

Yes, dear - very good idea! But I have to ask here - what the fuck's it got to do with teaching English? What possible benefit could it ever bring to my class of fat businessmen or rowdy teenagers, eh? Well, ask Hall Houston, the unfortunate author of this article extolling the hidden virtues of the PO approach in the Tefl classroom. Bacause I have NO idea at all.

And we should not forget PO3, either - challenging an idea, or just fart of it. Oops, did I mention the dreaded F-word there? Of course, the 'sense' (dare I use that descriptor?) behind this one lies in being able to do make it do anything you want - anything at all, I guess. So, instead of suggesting something like"Let's start every class with a dictation", we can challenge an element of it, and say "Let's start the classes with a farting competition" instead! Brilliant!!

Which sort of brings me rather neatly back to the beginning. So when your DoS raises an eyebrow at your inventive use of the proverbial buttock ballon in the classroom, you can just tell her - PO!!


vilges suola said...

The link's fucked, Sandy.Nonetheless, I was wondering if, after an appropriately composed lunch, one might get sts to fart the stress patterns of recently encountered lexis? Or have two students, primed on green pea and asparagus omelettes, fart a conversation which the class must then construe in words? Sphincter control would need to be practised but might conceivably replace choral drilling. Information gap activities such as 'guess what I had for breakfast' readily suggest themselves. I feel a book coming on. I'll acknowledge you in the preface.

Word verification 'swiril' - name of small, bushy tailed arboreal mammal, amusingly mispronounced by some darkie.

Kapitano said...

"You son of a silly person! I fart in your general direction!"

The TEFL Tradesman said...

The link's OK now, I think. So go there and have a good laugh!

Actually, seeing as the two comments above were made by members of the 'gay community', I wonder if either (or both) of you could answer me this...

Does your sphincter get bigger after years of rogering? And if so, does it get harder to control the farts?

It's just the curious scientist in me, y'see, trying to get out!

vilges suola said...

Sandy, re. your question, I haven't a clue. Never had anal sex, actively or passively. I doubt if it does get bigger, any more than being wanked regularly increases the length and girth of the membrum virile (permanently,I mean.)

I've always wondered where this Gay Community people refer to is. I've never managed to find it.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

Oh dear - now you've left me disappointed, Villie. I thought rectum-raiding was all the rage amongst you guys, so now I'm confused too.

As for that elusive 'gay community', just direct yourself towards that dodgy-looking pub at the bottom (of course!) of your local High Street. Go into the saloon bar and ask for Kevin. He'll be able to tell you where you can find it. Really.

vilges suola said...

No, you don't have to take it up the arse to be allowed in. I always understood 'community' to signify a distinctive group of people who all knew each other well. Now it just means people who have a single trait in common. 'Gay community' is about as informative a label as 'left handed community' or 'blue sock wearing community'. Most of us gave up on the dodgy-looking pubs many years ago. Puleeeeze - that's where straights go.

Dr F Kim said...

Sandy, we run your comments through new computer programs linguistic anal-ysis and computer say you is gay. I tell computer no you is wrong but computer say you are real homo. I tell computer no, check English man filter (credits for you), and computer say you are still rectum raidor.

Sorry I try real hard.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

OK, so the secret's out - I'm a closet sausage-jockey, a wordy turd-burgler, whatever you wish to call me. But I can take it - the social stigma, I mean. It can't be any worse than when I was caught out as a tinseled tranny, a Christmas tree cross-dresser, when I was at boarding school.

Did I ever tell you about that? Ooh, that Anthony Buckeridge fellow had a lot to answer for!

Kapitano said...

The last time I got buggered - literally buggered with a man's man-parts, as opposed to metaphorically buggered by a school owner - was a long time ago.

But he did complain that I was too tight. There's just no pleasing some people.

PS. I think "embuggerance" is a great word and I'm still trying to find an excuse to teach it as Essential Vocabulary.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

OK chaps, that's enough of this buggery lark - stuff it all, I say!

I can't think how we moved from flatulence to sodomy, and I think that's enough of it all for the moment. I'll let you know when the subject is open for discussion next.

PS: I don't like the term 'embuggerance' at all, Krapo - it sounds quite awkward; which I suppose it is, really. Let's stick with the simple term of 'buggery', shall we?! It sort of stands up by itself, I reckon...

Totally ethical Dr F Kim said...

English not mine first language, but you need PhD synthesis.

You must synthesize bugger man-part with school owner.

Until then you are 'unresolved' and your life challenge really no sense make.

I can your supervisor be, but sorry, no money. You must bring money to me.

Dr F Kim said...

Now what I see about 'Christmas tree cross-dresser'? I look up in OED and no see. Candy not here, now in California, budget cut no more PA. Computer say 'Total poof'. I use UK man filter, public school filter, nothing work make you straight.

I am lost in this crazy language... Google translate not help.

Shaun Ryder said...

'Ere. Speakin' of Dorothy's mates, what 'appened to that Smiler? I misses 'im.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

Dorothy? Smiler? Are you making a coded reference to Paul Lowe and Ashley Arsehole, by any chance, Shaunie?

Shaun Ryder said...

No. Iss a fookin' reference to our mate D in Denmark. 'E's doomped me.

allen said...

The title looked real funny to me! There used to be a girl in my class. I knew that she was the one who was responsible for the bad smells. But she always requested me not to tell anyone. How funny it was! Flatulence in classroom can be real trouble!
I'd like to share some Flatulence Treatment tips here.

damo04 said...

Hehe I once went to a talk by Rinvolooney (I know, I know, but I thought I'd give him a chance). He brought a worm in (fucking disgusting hippie) and create a whole new identity for it, we gave it a name, past, etc., la-de-da, and so on...

...at the end of the session, on my way out, I turned round and saw him screw up the paper the worm was on, killing it, and throw it in the bin.

Shaun Ryder said...

Aye, but iss not the whole story, Damo.
I went to the lecture after that an' we 'ad to write and perform a funeral fer that worm ( I built an 'earse from a roller skate that I stole off a little kid). We made a Ouija board and chatted to it in 'eaven.
At the end, Mario sort of 'ad a fit an' went into a trance, then fook me: the worm came back to life. Some of the girls cried and one bloke thunderously shat 'is pants.

I think that worm were oop Mario's sleeve all along.

Or up 'is arse. Not sure.

William Frederickson said...

Dee? Worms? Fellow drunks, thugs,old comrades and pikeys,I could tell you a story about those two things... I had a 'lady friend' called Dee. Got to know her in the 'Biblical sense'for a few nights then she told me to fuck off-too much bleedin' cocaine,methinks.
Later I saw her with this utter twat who looked like Sideshow Bob-to be frank,I think his mother knitted him but ran out of wool when it came to making his ears and used two socks instead.An' he was Serbian to add insult to cunting injury.
Being William Frederickson and a man of honour, I could only do one thing...I gave him a damned good hiding in front of the bitch.

William Frederickson said...

The worm in question was the manky Serb. Blackguardly little shit crawled back under his stone/back up Paul Lowe's arse for all I know,the festering little cunt!