Saturday, February 6, 2010

EFL Teachers 'lack violence training'

"Nearly half of new EFL teachers do not feel properly equipped to deal out violence in the classroom". I was not at all surprised to read that sad admission in the online Guardian today. For much too long the benefits of 'The Violent Way' have remained hidden, crushed under the weight of the dead hand of political correctness.

Indeed, according to figures released by the British Council, as many as two-thirds of newly qualified EFL teachers have received no clear guidance on attacking students, and many felt that they had not had enough training to dish out appropriately challenging behaviour to students who perform badly in class.

Sandy McManus is therefore happy to reveal that techniques involving 'passive physical contact', such as blocking a pupil's path by offering a fist, and 'active contact' such as leading a pupil by squeezing the hand or arm, are soon to be incorporated into the EFL Teacher Training Council's new methodology curriculum. Other more advanced techniques, such as 'appropriate restrictive holds and neck-presses', will also be incorporated into the new 'Violent Way' syllabus.
IATEFL has also backed the proportionate use of force. A spokesperson said "We know that we live in the real world, we know that sometimes teachers will be faced with difficult situations, and will need to utilise violent teaching methods - especially when bringing old copies of Headache Intermediate into the classroom. But it's all for the students' good, after all."

Another source has stated that the official guidance is unclear, and EFL teachers are sometimes puzzled, or just too stoned in class, to understand things properly. Sharon Slapper, from the EFL teachers' union CUNT (Confederation of Underqualified Nobhead Teflers) said "These violent confrontations can erupt very quickly, especially when a Tefler finds out he's got to teach Beginner level for the third time in a year. So the teachers need to be clear about what sort of steps they can take to successfully manage an escalating situation, if they have to physically attack a student or other member of staff, and how in fact they can do that in the most economical and successful way possible - without getting another black mark on their existing police record."

Shadow education secretary Michael Gove said that if the Conservatives were elected, they would change the law to give EFL teachers more arms. "The government backs the use of violence that is proportionate, and will legislate to enable teachers to undertake weight-training and small-arms practise - by force, if necessary" he added.

He went on to state that the nation's Teflers should "feel empowered to use whatever force they consider to be appropriate in order to pull apart pupils who are complaining" and fully supported teachers learning to acquit themselves well by attending martial arts programmes and shooting ranges.

Sir Tony Millns, a fat blob of a spokesman from English UK, also underlined the need to increase professional standards in dealing with difficult customer behaviour by 'justified force', such as throttling students, thrashing them for bad pronunciation, and immersing them in water. "Standards of teacher violence have improved, and are good in the majority of EFL schools" he said, in between gulps of Theakston's Old Peculier, "and we are determined to tackle poor teacher behaviour and raise their overall standards of violence - that is why we are giving EFL schools clearer and stronger powers than ever before to ensure good discipline, and in order to avoid prosecution. Now, whose round is it...?"



Clarence Rhode said...

Problems eliciting in those first ten minutes??

WATERBOARD the fuckers.

It's legal, it's cheap and it leaves no traces.

Tried it today in a class of intermediate Ukranians, and it worked a treat. Ruined my suede loafers, but Paul will pay me back!

Never been happier.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

You're right, Clarence - thanks for that tip! I tried it myself today, sort of Abu Ghraib-like, with hoods and electric wires, and it worked a treat!

Any more teaching tips to be shared out there? C'mon - don't be shy! Tell us some of your favourite torture techniques for ensuring compliance in the classroom!

Lindsay said...

The violent way... lol! Best pun I've heard for quite some time.

Anonymous said...

Lindsay, you really should get out a little more. Stop writing those EFL books - you know full well that nobody reads them!

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