Taming the bastards with the active voice

There's an article in this month's issue of the EL Gazette that has had me seeing red. I mean, some Tefl twerp called Adam Wilson seems to think he has the right to lecture us Tefl Tradespeople on how to be nice if we want to keep on top of our obnoxious foreign teenagers when trying to teach them a bit of English. Cheek!

For example, look at the following piece of wanky liberal claptrap masquerading as 'classroom management' (or it might be the equally awful and misguided 'student-centred learning'):

"Explain to your students what you are doing - and why"

That's wrong, Adam babes - just plain wrong. No, what you need to tell them is that YOU are the teacher, and they are the fuggin' students, and all they need do is OBEY your orders. There's no point in attempting to explain to them how your carefully-planned activities are fully in accord with Vygotsky's theory of ZPD, as (a) the stupid little bastards will not understand a word, and (b) you've probably screwed it all up or forgotten about poor Lev anyway. And admit it, saying that you're just following what it says in the Teacher's book is probably not going to inspire your evil scrotes one bit, is it?

Poor Adam goes on with his misguided advice by stating that, when faced with intransigent teenagers, "another possible solution is to reward young learners appropriately". I mean, did you notice that pathetic 'young learners' phrase creeping in there? Why not just refer to them as 'snotty-nosed foreign brats', which is exactly what they are?!

And as for the actual prospect of offering the scrotebags rewards as a sort of bribe for behaving well, I say this: they should be bringing in tributes to the teacher, not the other way round. No, mate, you've got it all arse about face, as the balance of power stands tipped firmly in Mr T's favour, innit.

In my experience, a regular thrashing of the worst-behaved students will have the rest of the class fawning over you at the end of the lesson, offering to buy you cups of tea and thrusting chocolate bars in your general direction. This is the way God intended classrooms to be, and I know that for a fact, 'cos a Mormon told me once.

In fact, the only effective tool that the professional Tefler needs to carry everywhere is his voice - the louder, the better. Of course, weapons can be hastily assembled from the usual armoury of board markers, large heavy dictionaries, and sharp pencils, but these should only be employed when the initial blasts of brutal Anglo-Saxon 'Englisc' have failed to tame the mob of dark-skinned inbreds who are your students.

Try walking in to your next lesson screaming "Where is your bloody homework, you slimy little sons of whores?!" and you will notice the difference immediately. And "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" can be surprisingly effective when repeated at great volume, especially at the levels from Beginner to Intermediate.