Monday, January 18, 2010

The Good, the Bad, and the Fuggin' Ugly!

So, welcome to the latest blog-posting from Yours Truly - a trilogy of informational snippets that reveal the great diversity of life available in Tefl these days. My thanks go to the EL Gazette (online version) for allowing me to 'paraphrase' - i.e., mangle and corrupt - a couple of their fine items of factual reporting.

The Good
London English Tutors is offering perhaps the best-paid EFL jobs in London, from £20 an hour for one-to-one conversation classes to £30 an hour for business English. Not bad, eh? Certainly much better than the old crap dished up at Malvern House, for example, who are still hoping to get teachers to work for them for a tenner an hour or less!

What's interesting here is that London English Tutors isn’t even accredited - but doesn’t need to be, as its students are already resident in the city and therefore don’t need visas. So bollocks to EnglishUK and the British Council, who would no doubt love to stick their noses in and tell them to pay less.

Of course, tutoring organisations have no need for classrooms and the usual paraphernalia of language schools, which saves greatly on overheads and means there's more money available for staff pay. In fact, London English Tutors is only charging a small mark-up to the clients (around five quid an hour), which makes them one of the cheapest one-to-one tutoring outfits in London.

Their director, a former teacher in the state sector, remarked drily that she was "appalled" at the rates that EFL teachers are typically paid at private schools, and that her rates are the same as those offered in London's state sector. However, if you're thinking of giving them a ring right now, a word of warning: the company reported "a hell of a response" just hours after placing the openings on their website.

The Bad
It's barge-pole time for Global English, a rather dodgy US company who are looking for teachers to work as online tutors from 11 pm to 7 am. Nice timings, eh?!

Even worse, the pay is completely unspecified, and they expect their teachers to "cover their shifts year-round, including holidays and weekends ... and find a substitute from our online staff when they are unable to work their shift". And I bet they want us to give the students a pound of flesh, too, eh?!

Actually, the company could run into a lot of difficulties in Europe, as the Working Time Directive means that it is illegal for employers not to give staff a minimum of 28 days a year paid holiday - even freelancers. In fact, in the UK teachers who work timetabled hours for the same employer cannot be regarded as freelancers, and Global English is also legally obliged to pay an 11% supplement of employers’ National Insurance contributions on top of the hourly rate. So go chew on that, yankee!

The Ugly
Remember this ugly cunt? I do. His name's Alistair Robb, and he's an EFL teacher in Maceio, Brazil. The reason he's trying to hide behind a mobile phone is as follows: some three years ago I sent him 600 quid to get himself back to his wife and kid in Brazil, as he'd done a summer school in the UK, pissed his cash up the wall, and found himself destitute. See, I really AM a kind soul!

So, despite only knowing him through our respective blogs (his lamentable piece of shit is still floundering here), as an online cyber-pal if you like, I sent 600 smackers to his UK bank account, which he promised to return as soon as he was able to. Yes,that's right - he promised to return it.

And did he ever? So, who's the biggest fool, eh?!

Well, Alistair - this is your last chance. If I don't get the cash by the end of the month, I'll post a picture of your wife! And then we'll ALL be sorry...


Clarence Rhode said...

I went for an interview at the Brit Council in Madrid. I went into the wrong room and found a global command centre controlling all the lizard men. Landing sites, spectral rays, maps of pyramid locations, plus secret codes - the whole works, man. They offered me the job and wanted to pay me in dead mice. They asked if I could change shape and soar through the air. I got out of there pretty fast, let me tell you.

I'm very happy at Windsor English now.
£15 per hour, no questions asked. And the key to the linen cupboard any time I want. I always put it back in its rightful place, though.
To avoid the unguessable spite.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

OK, I give up, Clarence. It's not toads, but lizard-men. Yeh, they're gonna take over the world, under the inspired dominance of the BC. I see you were right all along...

So ... where does that leave you (and me!) and Windsor English, then? What's their role in this? Will Paul Lowe become Obergruppenfuhrer, or is he earmarked for leading the resistance?

I think you should tell us, Clarence. Are there plans to turn Windsor Edwardian into 'the bunker'? And should I let Robert Rankin know? That's the main thing, y'know...

The TEFL Tradesman said...

I see that the erstwhile blogger known as Alistair Robb has now pulled his crappy little blog. At least it serves as proof that he has read my e-mail to him about his appearance in this blog.

No sign of any money yet, though. Looks like I'll have to set up a blog dedicated to HIM, the cowardly fat cunt!

DR F Kim said...

I no believe because then Alistair know identity for Sandy McAnus. He can pay you 600 pounds by sale for this to UK lawyers, crap language school in UK, prime minister, and make more money.

So this smell really crappy. More SM entertanement.

I miss Coyote language school. any update?

Anonymous said...

You can find the Judas here:

and here:

I'm sure he'd appreciate you dropping by!

drkms said...

Sorry, HAHA, but if AR know identity van SM, then PL, ML, UKHelp4U, Coyote nutters, Tubby the Camel, BC, Bruce Amsterhuizen en many crap language UK school make AR very rich man!

AR, well done. You is soon very rich!

Clarence Rhode said...

Lizard men are working inside Oxford University Press, preparing for the landing of their mother ships. This is a fact known by all in the industry.

The TEFL Tradesman said...

Ooh, can you give us a date, Clarence - and a time? I'd like to be there (but where?) with my camcorder.

I reckon they'll be landing somewhere near Windsor - am I right? Close to the wretched Windsor Edwardian massage parlour, if I'm not mistaken...

Anonymous said...

Dr. Kim, bent u echt vreselijke bastaard! Ik beloof ik zal drukken uw zeer harde ballen wanneer ik u ontmoet!

Kim said...

Hallo Ollie!

A secret message in Nederlands I see!

Very hard knowing truth hier. Sorry I think AR is you playing en Mr T, well, I hope you en your crazy maid not live in that crazy place anymore.
Dat is een plaats met veel vreselijke bastaards, heel gevaarlijk voor veel mensen, voraal buitenlanders, maar misschien u kan niet de echt nieuws zien van dat moeilijke plaats.

Ik hoop beste voor u. Sorry denk ik dat u veel ver bent.

k said...

OT: Kent u de echt informatie dat gebeurt in dat land? Veel buitenlanders zijn in gevangenis in dat land--voor niets. Wat u heeft gehoord van andere buitenlanders is waard. We weten dat een hoge nummer can buitenlanders betaalt soms 70000 euros voor een advocaat voor, nogmaals, niets. Als u op de Guardian, Telegraph, NY Times, Washington Post, en de websites van de ambassads zien, is meest van de informatie eigelijk correct.


The TEFL Tradesman said...

Dr K, I wouldn't believe all of the Islamo-bashing stuff you read in the press. Anyway, I'm no longer resident there, so it's irrelevant I guess, but the press do tend to exaggerate, and play to the audience/readership a little too eagerly, in my view.

Oh, sorry - that should be...

Dr. K, zou ik alle Islamo-Bekritiserende materialen niet geloven die u in de pers leest. In ieder geval ben ik niet langer woonachtig daar, zodat het niet toepasselijk is dat ik raad, maar de pers is geneigd te overdrijven, en te naar het publiek/lezerspubliek een weinig te gretig, in mijn overzicht spelen.

k said...

Mijn collega's collega heeft direkt contact met veel buitenlanders met echt problemen in dat gekke land. Vele zijn bang publiek spreken.

Ik ben blij dat U ver weg bent.

Dan wat is de probleem? Natuurlijk de verhaal met de geld is fictie? Als hij uw echt identiteit kent, dan U niet deze bericht schrijven.
U bent te slim voor dat!