Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sandy's Miracle Teaching Method - Hypnogogy!

Well, let's face it - it had to come sooner or later, didn't it? It's called Hypnogogy, and Sandy's extremely proud to be able to bring you this revolutionary new methodology first - how to teach English while you sleep!

After all, the notion of 'learn in your sleep' has been around for decades. The fact that this novel approach to education was soon discredited is of no importance here. What matters is - you can get paid for sleeping your way through hours and hours of extremely dull, tedious EFL teaching! And think about it - if your teaching is enough to send your students off for a date with the sandman, why shouldn't you join in too? It's discrimination!

Anyway, for those tiresome pedants out there who insist on finding scientific proof of the effective nature of new teaching methods, let's briefly examine the theoretical approach behind the claim to being able to efficiently teach the English language in your pyjamas....

Firstly then, what do we mean by 'sleep'? The state is generally defined as “the resting state in which the body is not active and the mind is unconscious.” This chimes perfectly with the average Tefler's lifestyle choice and general lack of anything resembling ambition, being fond, as we are, of inactivity and something approaching a semi-conscious state. So it's bang on target there, then.

Another knowledgeable source refers to it as a condition in which "the eyes are usually closed and there is little or no conscious thought or voluntary movement, but there is intermittent dreaming”. Again, the similarity to the characteristics of the EFL crowd - lack of mental exertion and minimal physical movement - is striking, proving that the state of sleeping is ideal for teaching English also.

By way of example, I must admit that at times I spend the whole class daydreaming with my eyes closed, particularly while the little bastards are slogging their way through 12 pages of Murphy's Crapper. Moreover, my capacity for conscious thought and careful movement in the classroom has been severely limited many times by the previous night's intake of illicit prescription pharmaceuticals and home-made beverages - so it would seem that Hypnogogy was just made for us Teflers.

However, sleep has also been likened to death, especially in the Bible - but this might also provide us with a further analogy in our favour. For example, in Ecclesiastes 9:5 it states that “the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all.” Which again, appears to be extremely redolent of the average Tefl non-careerist. Are we alive or dead? Conscious or not? Do we give a flying fuck about it all?! It all makes so much sense!

So, there you have it - sleep is characterized as a condition typically devoid of conscious thought. Almost exactly the same as teaching EFL!

Coming next week: the practical side of the coin - tried and tested classroom techniques for the dozing Tefler

9 comments:

Kapitano said...

Surely this is the logical conclusion of The Silent Method? The Snoring Method, in fact.

I practice my own version of hypnogogy - conhypnogogy. A blend of putting students to sleep and sleeping in class myself. That's right - sleeping with students!

They all get a pass mark, no matter how little they've learned, I get great evaluation feedback, I redirect the petite chinese girls to the DOS to keep him quiet, and everyone's happy.

Anonymous said...

Nice one Sandy. Almost as good as your early stuff in fact. Just don't give up the day job quite yet, will you!?

Karenne said...

love this post Sandy and love the new look -the sandy colour is easier on the eyes... might just lull me to sleep ;)

not sure that went through, trying again

The TEFL Tradesman said...

Well, thanks for the back-handed compliments, comrades - they are appreciated (I s'pose)! I get back-handers all the time from my students, actually - sometimes in the form of 'fiscal easing', if you get my drift. It's a new theory I'm working on right now - 'pay as you learn', I call it!

Anonymous said...

CORRUPT VULGAR UNCOUTh and demented the repository of all bile and HIDEOUSNESS the last bastion of the architrave where the line IS DRAWN it will NOT GO your way - DO NOT presume you are without BESMIRCHING and TAINT I can see with my eye-eye the DEPTH of your SECRET MESSAGES now that has SCARED you has it not?? CEASE YOUR PROPAGANDA YOU NON-SPARK or the ways of the architrave will be nonsuch and middling revealed unto THE EFFULGENT despoiler of what is NOBLE he who ANOINTS HIMSELF with appelation shall be UNMASKED and he who COWERS LIKE A RAT behind a damask arras will be spleened in the infinite DELINEATION of the squiring behind the MASK. I HAVE SPOKEN. YOU know exactly WHO I am.
ONE CLUE: ME

Oliver Twist said...

Ah, yes, it's that old nutter known as The Breakfast Man, doing one of his famous impressions of Paul Lowe at his worst (or best, I s'pose). Excellent stuff, BM - keep it up. And don't forget to pop over to my blog, where you-know-who has been sadly missing you for several weeks now...

Anonymous said...

Sandy,

Is this what it is like there?

http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/johann-hari/the-dark-side-of-dubai-1664368.html

Anonymous said...

hari/the-dark-side-of-dubai-1664368.html

Anonymous said...

Shit and disaster!Paul Lowe is ranting about his bloody 'architrave' again,is he? I checked out the meaning of 'architrave' in the Collins English dictionary;an architrave' is 'a beam resting on columns.'Given Paul Lowe's thraet to get his 'beast' out recently,i think he is threatening to get his dong out again!Sandy,a beam is long and phallic,and Paul Lowe DOES frequent 'cottages,'doesn't he?
For fuck's sake,Paul,do us all a big favour and put your architrave away-none of us are remotely interested,and if anyone is interested,they don't know where it has been*.

William Frederickson,Baron of Bile,Beer,Brutality and Bogging Bints who look like Amy Winehouse