Hey, Teflers - would you like the chance to travel the length and breadth of this fine country?! Meet with high-powered executives from the world of business and academia? And still have to rush back to Bournemouth to teach your evening class of lower intermediate Koreans?
Well, now's your chance - and you can earn the incredibly piss-taking sum of ... 18 grand a year!! Yes, if we are to believe the recent job advert from Bournemouth Business School International on tefl.com, it's all very possible!
Anyway, do you have the following? "A university degree, CELTA or DELTA qualifications, substantial English language teaching experience with IELTS, strong interpersonal and organisational skills, and the ability to build good working relationships with university international departments." Ooh, crikey - obviously they want nothing but the best at BBSI!
But wait - it's not just any old job they're offering for that might salary - no way! "The successful candidate will be responsible for providing ongoing and active support and advice to foundation and pre-masters students during the university application process. He/she will also oversee the preparation and running of BBSI's Professional Work Placement scheme." So it's an 'oversees' job, eh??
Anyway, the fine burghers of BBSI are not happy with just that, as in addition you'll have to do some teaching, or, in BBSI-speak, "the applicant will need to have the ability to manage a demanding workload at key times of the academic year." In other words, you will get shafted - but not all the year round!
And so the nauseatingly self-proclaiming blurb drones on. "BBSI has a policy of constant innovation ... " it barks, which probably means they'll give you the sack as soon as it suits them.
Right, so, what will you actually have to do to get that overwhelmingly generous salary of 1500 a month (less tax and NI, of course)? Well, according to the advert, you have to find university places and work placements for misguided foreigners who apparently believe that a UK university degree or internship is something worth waving at a prospective employer back home. Well, a fat lot of good they've done the average Tefler, but - hey, don't let on, will you? Oh, and there's that little matter of "an adjusted teaching commitment" - probably 30 hours a week whenever they feel like it.
Actually it's the language of the advert which is the most cringe-inducing, alongside the actual job itself, of course. According to the BBSI bullshit machine, "we work closely with employers to ensure that trainees benefit fully from the often challenging experience of working in the UK." Yes, it's that unwelcome old euphemism 'challenging' again. After all, what would be more 'challenging' than getting bawled at by some grumpy Tesco's line-manager in a language you barely understand, or having to deal with Sharon and Dave's complaint that their new toaster blew up as soon as they shoved in the frozen sausage rolls!?
Anyway, if you are desperate enough to be interested in this dogshit job, you can call this old dragon of a DOS (see pic), who goes by the name of Gill Wood. I don't know about 'wood', but she looks like she's made of scrap iron, and hard enough to bite your bollocks off from 30 yards, so take care. Check her out (with caution!) at the address below.
Bournemouth Business School International
Avon House, 26 St Peters Road
Bournemouth, DorsetBH1 2LW
Tel: 01202 780777
However, on the up side, you might also get the chance to shaft this old slapper pictured alongside, the BBSI boss's PA - known as 'Luvverly Lourdes' to all those who know her!
Good luck! And remember the motto - At BBSI, Crap Always Comes First!