Monday, April 1, 2013

Fancy a Missionary Position?

Well, tough shit - you missed it! The deadline for applying for this prime Tefl post was March 22, but I still feel it's worth a gag or two!

According to blurb for this advert on tefl.com, "the Southall School of Languages and Missionary Orientation is looking for an experienced ELT Teacher to work from 2 to 12 April ... You will be teaching 3 - 6 hrs a day in a vibrant and muliti cultural town of Southall."

Surely that should be 'the vibrant and multi-cultural town of Southall', if they truly mean that sub-continental suburb in west London; but maybe it is just one of many 'muliti cultural' Southalls all over the third world. As for the poor spelling, I guess there's still a lot of missionary work to be done there still, especially in the basics of English.

Of course, the best thing about being a missionary is the warm fuzzy feeling of devotion and sacrifice you get when you pick up your negligible wages every week. This place will be no exception, as the SSLMO pays a Godless twelve quid an hour!

Still interested? Then give a quick call on 02085744456 to the DoS, who bears the uncannily traditional English name of Agnieszka Wiazowska. If she hasn't yet got herself lost in the swamps of deepest Southall, she might be able to fill you in on the muliti cultural charms of the area.

And you can teach her how to pen an advert in proper English too!

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Why are the fees low compared to some other language schools in London?"

They appear to ascribe it to their charitable status. Any teacher reading this may well have a more cynical view...

"Does this mean the teachers are not qualified or experienced?"

Hmm, no. Probably naive, or living with mummy and daddy or with a rich husband...

Anonymous said...

Or maybe they're just under-qualified and gullible.
Like most Teflers in the UK.

Anonymous said...

Check these cheeky/pretentious fuckers, Sandy: http://www.jobs.ac.uk/job/AGI953/senior-teacher/ "13k"? what, *every* year?

Anonymous said...

I wonder what "junior" teachers get?

Anonymous said...

Surprised you haven't spotted this:

http://www.tefl.com/jobs/job.html?jo_id=56277

I'm moving back to the UK soon and keep a keen eye on employment prospects. The local LIDL is looking a good bet...

UTTERMOST said...

Architrave
architrave
all that is tendentious shall be known
most deleterious carbonundrum of the make shift tricycle brigade
you who are unaware of the WIDER piccyture
Unicycles await you in ukulele land, PLUS the skool of hard crocks

I am not displeased at your vivirerification
rather I relish the prosperforlecue of impemdining enlightenment

Just paid £3 for a kebab

The future is mine and mine ALONE

The blazer, sonny boy. The blazer opens DOORS.

The Windsor Swindler said...

Christ, Paul Lowe's back and he's OFF the medication!

SUPERB WRITER said...

wot will be REMEMBERED??

My genius? or the poultry paltry parting puffs of (un)gilded yoof, daady-o?

My brillianse is not IN DISPUTE. MY acumen is not a moote point. My astute grasp of the mechanics is NOT debotable.

I am magnificent.

Anonymous said...

P. Symon
P. Symon http://lnkd.in/akhRVU i-poet.co.uk FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE NOVEL I sat in my bathroom defecating pleasurably and looking across at Castletown. The honest and irritating folk of that settlement were mostly still asleep in their duveted bedding or doing what...


i-poet.co.uk
FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE NOVEL I sat in my bathroom defecating pleasurably and looking across at Castletown. The honest and irritating folk of that settlement were mostly still asleep in their duveted bedding or doing what...

WRIGHTER said...

You quote from a work OF GENIUS that Future ages shall REVERE as WE acclame the BARD of AVON. Geddit? NOPe I thought not. WHY do I bovver?

Anonymous said...

P. Symon
P. Symon http://lnkd.in/akhRVU i-poet.co.uk FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE NOVEL I sat in my bathroom defecating pleasurably and looking across at Castletown. The honest and irritating folk of that settlement were mostly still asleep in their duveted bedding or doing what...


i-poet.co.uk
FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE NOVEL I sat in my bathroom defecating pleasurably and looking across at Castletown. The honest and irritating folk of that settlement were mostly still asleep in their duveted bedding or doing what...

You Know Who said...

Oh,no...fucking hell,who let the EFFULGENT DEFUCKATER out? Now,we've got a problem on our hands,as one does not simply CATCH the Phantom Shitter...Pools of bum gravy,logs and teddy bears'arms will soon be littering the streets of Castletown!

William Fucktardson,belming in the face of danger said...

Hmmmm...Paul Lowe and his gay scat/'Shit And Castle' literature genre...I hear there are TEFL franchises in Moscow and St. Petersburg at the moment. Given the political climate over there as regards foreign NGOs and that as well as regards benders/friends of Gwen Stefani,it's an opportunity for Paul Lowe -and hopefully the source of a good laugh for us all when he gets caught and gets a damned good shoeing!

Scrumpy Jack said...

Time to buy shares in Diamond White.

PC Wright said...

Hmm, that picture on the SSLMO website. Taken in Windsor Park.

Is that ... now, could it possibly be ... Paul Lowe, lurking in the shadows in the background?

Yes, YES! It's that unsung hero of the international Tefl tapestry, the soon-to-become garlanded poet and author. P Symon (aka The Windsor Swindler)!

Strewth, how do you manage to do it, Paul? Always in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time?!

PURE RIGHTER OF RONGS said...

You MOCK but you reveal nought but your OWN nortinessS

Like the tattooed, gum munching HORDES that throng the pie and burger hostelries in CASTLETOWN

No future, no TALENT NO HOPE

The great one, by contrast, RESIDES IN PLURITY CONSMNANT and drifts like a VAPOUR TRAIL across the moltreeny fabric of your SWIREMENTS

hideous and cankersome carbonundrum that you are, swilflike and dolesome to BEHOLD



MOGNIFICENT said...

GREATNESS has no end
merely a gentle dropping OFF into DECLIVITY
BUT my receptacle is DIVINE
yes yes yes
I think I may be a GOD
Unlike you who are very common and VULGAR