Spam, spam, spam...

Well, I s'pose it's not every day that a fly takes a dive straight into my web; in fact, I can't recall it ever having happened before. But yesterday I got myself lucky, as that well-known provider of quality online and weekend TEFL courses, i-to-i, popped an unsolicited message into my inbox. Just have a quick butcher's hook at this cheeky little e-mail below...

Dear Sandy McManus,

I have recently come across your blog and noticed it provides some great information.

I would like to ask whether you would consider listing our site www.i-to-i.com/tefl/ as a resource on the following page of your blog (http://tefltradesman.blogspot.com/) as we offer many opportunities qualified ESL/TEFL teachers and would like to offer additional information for your readers.

Please visit us at www.i-to-i.com/tefl/ to check whether our web page would be a useful addition to your resource links.

If you have any further questions about our services or our requested listing please feel free to e-mail me.

For your convenience I have provided the following link:
http://www.i-to-i.com/tefl/">i-to-i TEFL

Many Thanks
Lloyd Cooke

You're a true genius, Lloyd, contacting me out of the blue like that. I guess you'll be getting in touch with Inspector McHammered of the TEFL Blacklist soon, to make the same crafty appeal for a spot of free advertising, eh? Well, don't bother mate, as he rumbled your lot and their little caper some time ago. Just click on the links below for a 'taster' of some of the 'taster courses' in TEFL that they offer...

http://teflblacklist.blogspot.com/2008/01/i-to-i-tefl-up-to-their-old-tricks.html

http://teflblacklist.blogspot.com/2007/11/i-to-i-tefl.html

http://teflblacklist.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-to-i-tefl-1-to-1-tefl-1-to-1-tefl.html

In fact, according to the Inspector, i-to-i have such a great reputation in the TEFL trade because they have recognised that "it's all about selling courses, in the case of i-to-i of less value than parrot droppings." Of course, I've no doubt these parrot droppings produce high-flyers in the classroom, too.

I mean, just take a look on their website at their 'two point TEFL promise' - which then somehow morphs into a 'three point TEFL promise' on another page. This truly generous and amazing pledge "guarantees your money back after the first seven days if you're not completely satisfied with the TEFL product you receive from us." In other words, they comply with the law on providing goods and services that are fit for their purpose - incredible, eh?!

The tedious bullshit goes on though, with the claim to "offer the best quality courses which are externally approved by the ODLQC and the SQMS." Yeah, who?!? Obviously far better than Trinity or Cambridge, or even the poor old British Council! Clearly they have no need for getting their teaching qualifications accredited by, for example, an organisation dedicated to verifying and approving teaching qualifications, eh? No, none at all, mate!

One item of the multiply articulated promise did strike me as quite true, though - "Our great experience ... ensures that we are unrivalled in the industry." Well, they certainly are unique when it comes to selling crappy online and weekend EFL courses that are recognised by absolutely NOBODY in the Tefl trade!

Maybe their singular reputation in the whacky world of Tefl has been achieved by this: "hiring only the best TEFL tutors, who have at least three years experience teaching overseas and possess a CELTA qualification." Wow, that's great - somebody with a Tefl Cert (but not one of theirs, I notice) and three years of teaching experience ... but no teacher-training qualifications or experience!

Well, I guess Lloyd Cooke, the sender of the cunning e-mail above, was right after all when he purred "your blog ... provides some great information". Thanks to you, Lloyd, it now provides a little more!

So, Farewell Then, Dear Inspector...

It gives me great displeasure to report the disappearance, and probable death, of a fellow disser of TEFL toerags, Inspector McHammered of The Lard. Yes, the irrepressible author of the TEFL Blacklist, seen alongside at a luncheon held in his honour in Pamplona, has apparently either done a bunk or, more likely, been bonked on the head and left for dead. His final message, dated December 3, 2008, and titled "Thought for the Day" offered a mere crumb of a cryptic clue, and was as follows...

First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out.
And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

You see, I feel somewhat guilty for the poor fellow's demise, as he is, so to speak, cut from my very own flesh. It was just about two years ago when The Inspector took over the reins of the TEFL Blacklist from yours truly, its founder, at a time when I was being hounded to death (well, almost) by, amongst others, a blackguard 'headmaster' from a tin-pot school in Japan, and an enraged father of a teenage girl from Jakarta, who mistakenly took me for his daughter's seducer (as IF!).

Anyhow, go there and pay your respects to one of TEFL's brighter sparks, a veritable "digger of the TEFL dirt" who always had the down-trodden Tefler's better interests at heart. By all accounts it appears he has died a bitter and lonely death, probably battered to pieces with one of his own extra-large sized cucumbers by some disgruntled TEFL charlatan whom the Inspector had exposed.

We'll miss you, dear Inspector, miss you and your cucumbers terribly!

PS: check here for a possible update...

http://www.usingenglish.com/profiles/tdol/archives/000350.html

The Evil Dr Kim, Internet Stalker and Drug-crazed TEFL Shaman

It gives me no pleasure to admit that this very blog has been attacked by an internet stalker and charlatan of an extremely merciless nature. Those of you who have been awake for long enough over the past few days, will have undoubtedly noticed the malevolent, brooding presence of a viciously satirical and condescending poster on the Laughing Coyote blog-posting of January 8th.

Well, after exhaustive enquiries, and the promise of a sack load of juicy dog-bones for the Korean internet authorities, I can reveal that the vandalism has been the handiwork of none other than Dr Kim Min Su, that irrepressible mongrel muncher and squinty-eyed peddler of alternative TEFL techniques. Take a good look at his photo above, and burn the image deep into one of your remaining brain cells. Here I am happy to expose the Asian charlatan, in one of the rare existing photographs of the founder of the 'Ganja, Grammar and Giggles' method, as he tucks into a bowl or two of his favourite Korean canine cuisine, sheepdog soup followed by poodle with noodles.

Meanwhile, have a look below at the sort of tripe he peddles, to unsuspecting and gullible TEFL academics and practitioners and their groupies. Shame on him - and you!!

The Institute of Visionary Language Art and Design

Reconsidering Ganja, Grammar and Giggles
A lecture by Dr Kim Min Su
IVLAD auditorium

English as a Foreign Language (EFL) visionary Dr. Kim Min Su will be giving a special lecture presenting his controversial research project, Ganja, Grammar and Giggles. Dr. Kim will present his findings that the rate of language acquisition can accelerate by more than 25% for smoker-tokers, compared to non-smoking learners.

Highlights of the lecture will include an overview showing that smoking marijuana considerably lowers both the affective—and the affected—filter, of both EFL students and staff. His research also indicated that an additional 7% can be acquired if the learners smoke via a bong, versus other paraphernalia.

As a result, Kim calls for all English teachers internationally to immediately "light up—and pass the wealth to your students."

A forthcoming book detailing this innovative research will be published by IVLAD in fall 2006.

So, you have been warned! Beware the evil machinations of this TEFL poseur and lover of medium-rare Bonzo-burgers!! Otherwise, you'll end up producing English like this...

Development of moral attitudes and values of professional responsibility, accountability, and effectiveness. Students will produce planning sheets before the factories of industrialization. Even when all the rest of his life for enjoyment. The finished piece is shown at left.

Aaaargh!!

Built Like a British Council Bulldog [again]

Well, it's been a busy old week for me, what with all the kerfuffle going on at this blog. Oh, I do enjoy a scrap, I do! Anyway, so I make no excuses for offloading one from the old TeflTrade archives on you again. This offering, by the way, is one of my personal favourites, and one of yours too, judging by some of the comments added. You are more than welcome, of course, to add to the pile of bile by clicking on the 'Comments' button.

Just to get myself back into the habit of throwing abuse at deserving TEFL causes, I've decided to resurrect one of my favourite postings from the sadly defunct TeflTrade (RIP) archives. I do hope you enjoy reading this one - I certainly had a lot of fun writing it!

Built like a British Council Bulldog

I mentioned in an earlier posting that I had once worked for the British Council. That wasn't entirely accurate, though, as in fact I've worked for them twice, in quite different parts of the world. There was, however, one constant factor in all this, and that was the fact that in both cases my immediate boss was a woman - a real, larger-than-life, British Council woman (or bulldog, if you prefer).

Now, I'm no misogynist, but I am now entirely sure that BC woman represents a specific sub-species of humanity. Probably bred in some obscure village on the East coast of Britain, where the winds howl and prowl menacingly, and the temperature never rises much above 10centigrade, they dedicate themselves from an early age to the twin tasks of promoting themselves abroad at the BC's expense, and hounding young EFL teachers off to an early departure from their chosen post of foreign residence.

They come in one size only, which is large, although extra large is an option I have heard of, but never actually witnessed myself. As for character, sweet is not an available option either. They tend to be grim, with the sense of humour obviously removed at an early age, all in order to facilitate their main task of pushing teachers about and generally getting on everybody's wick.

Their character is often reflected in their facial features, as large bloodshot eyes (all the better to see you with, my dear) stare out of pudgy, sweaty faces, and a mouth the size of an elephant's arse spits saliva at you over wonky yellow teeth (all the better to ...) - teeth that even the most determined of NHS dentists would balk at fixing.

On occasions you might just about notice the lips adorned with a smidgeon of red stuff. This is either lipstick, which has been applied in a half-hearted attempt to remind herself that she is a female, after all; or red wine, for which she may well have a secret passion that none would dare to accuse her of. Yes, alcohol and BC woman often appear together in the least likely of places - but then again, hush now, my child (rumours, mere rumours)...

We should, however, feel more than a touch of empathy for poor BC woman, who has quite probably been very unlucky where romance has been concerned. Due to this absence of affection and tenderness, which is in all probability a matter of fate, and in no way related to her monstrous appearance and character, she has developed a hide to match that of an aged rhinoceros. So never, ever, even consider contradicting her - to do so could well place your life in jeopardy.

She has also developed, owing to a lack of maternal direction and impulses, an ambition that far exceeds her grasp and ability. Not for her the patter of tiny feet, but more the scurrying of adult trotters, as wave after wave of predictably (if not predictable) male EFL teachers rushes to avoid her presence. Remember, she measures her success in the number of male hides she can stack under her ample desk.

For it is only in her presence, especially on a Friday morning, that you will see and feel the full force of her ambitions and frustrations thrust upon you. The BC bulldog cometh! Woof-woof! Gnaw-gnash! Flee-e-e-ee...!!

Just think - if Genghis Khan had possessed a battalion of these gals, he would have reached the west coast of Ireland in no time at all.

First Published: Saturday, 17 September 2005

A Selection of Comments made on the original posting...

A visitor' left this comment on 21 Sep 05
I worked for the BC for 9 years and I am not a weirdo :) In my humble opinion, BC bosses come in 4 varieties: 1: a bunch of East End barrow-boys, ruthless and cruel, with a proven knack of "flogging courses". Can be heard in meetings with external clients saying "I've got a lav-ley English course for you mate, I can throw in a couple of free course books and SAC access for the same price, innit?". This variety comes in the male version, and the fat BC woman version. Recruitment states that they must speak with SE London accents.2: Gay. Camp queen of BC teaching centre, also incredibly ruthless, and spends most of the time in the office slagging off teachers for being ugly, straight, and/or useless.3: Thin female vamp type. Can't manage but shagged someone at Spring Gardens.4: Straight male, nice person. Usually resigns after a couple of postings as they always get posted to Saudi.

'A visitor' left this comment on 18 Sep 05
The guy who was in charge at the BC in Recife was just like you described (but a guy!). Then he moved on and a friend of mine took over, she was OK actually, but then she started to get the urge to wear tweed, and sensible shoes and...well, she left the BC and the last I heard she was back to her old self living it up in Spain. All the teachers I've ever met that work for the BC are really weird, insular and frightened beasties who rarely venture forth from the BC premises. When they do scuttle from the school to their digs it's always in a pack and they beat off the locals with big sticks. Thank God I never worked for them.

'A visitor' left this comment on 18 Sep 05
Spookily accurate, Sandy. Makes me shiver.

'A visitor' left this comment on 18 Sep 05
I know that woman! It really is the BC woman. I was once co-ordinated by one in a small Eastern European country. She used to tell me that she lived the life of a monk. (Trying not to touch her willy?) BC woman takes these contracts to add to her experience for later on, even as she's getting old. I wonder where BC women go to retire, or do they just keep working until the bitter end, in their tweed uniform from M&S? There's another type of TEFL career woman who's almost identical to BC woman, except she doesn't work for BC. She can be a mean bitch: "Well, I didn't have a fridge for the two years I lived in Ulan Baator, so I don't know why you're complaining about yours being broken - you can live without it." Or: "I see you have a ten-minute gap in your timetable for today (from 9 til 10), so I want you to help me with something ." I feel an ill chill even remembering the type.

A Laughing Coyote? Or is it a Mad Hyena?!

Let me take you, for once, over the sea and across the miles to another continent. There, in a land called Mexico, exists a language school whose owner has - can you believe this? - blacklisted a handful of teachers and posted their names and apparent crimes on the school's website!

Welcome to The Laughing Coyote School of English. Or not. You see, some teachers only seem to last a short while before they get accused of everything, from paedophilia to being a muslim fanatic, and hounded out of the country. Some of the poor victims claim that they actually paid the school to take a teaching course, and ended up teaching classes without any input at all. And when they complained, this is what the Laughing Coyote offered in response - a blacklisting!

Here is a list of some the 'felons' and their apparent crimes

*CHRISTOPHER - Criminal background, Distruction of property, Intimate relationship with a student, Pornography.

Hardly excessive, is it? I mean, which of us Teflers doesn't have some sort of criminal background, hasn't had an intimate relationship with a student, and hasn't, at some time or other, took solace in the sordid delights of a glossy wank-mag?! I can't think of a single one!

This next guy looks a real bastard, though - better be really careful here!

*ALEXANDER -Robbery, Moral Issues, Substance abuse

Yeah, I bet he once stole an office pen (robbery), and didn't think twice about taking it back (moral issues). The substance abuse was probably inhaling the gas from his lighter as he lit a ciggy.

But the real villains appear to be these two ultra-criminal types...

*NICOLE -Radical Muslim Views, Sleep disorder, Pathological liar, Bi-polar, Psychological Issues, obsessive compulsive behavior

*TODD - Students observed teacher putting coccaine on candy and offer it to the young kids class, Foul language used in class, Smoking in the school and during classes, Prostitutes brought to school in the night and evening on weekends false identity, Meth illegal drug found in his apartment in the school, Major Distuction of 2 Schools, of property, Theft of all accounting of the 2 schools, Embezzelment, Threatened a mexican female assistant to not disclose information, Broke the neck of the kids students pet female bird, Harssment of teachers, student and families mainly women

So Todd strangled the class parrot in a daze of coke and crystal meth, did he, before making off with the school's accounts? Sounds quite a decent chap to me.

By the way, the above are all allegations made by the school's crackpot owners, allegations to which the teachers involved have had no opportunity to respond. Just in case you think I'm kidding, click here to visit the actual page.

Now, there I was, just thinking that it's about time somebody gave this nutcase of a school a dedicated blog of their own, when - boom! - one appears just like that!

http://laughingcoyoteschool.blogspot.com.

Now, who could possibly be behind it? Do you have any ideas...?

Wring Out the Old, Wring In the New...! [UPDATED]

Or, in other words, just keep on recycling the same old stuff - but try polishing it a bit harder this year, eh?! You see, I just can't seem to shake off my unfortunate attitude of what one critic has called 'professional self-hate' (thanks for that, Mario!), can I. Although, I prefer to call it 'ironic reaffirmation', which is a rather neat phrase that I picked up from Private Eye recently.

Hey, did you notice? I wrote the paragraph above as an introduction to my TeflTrade blog entry of exactly one year back. Not that I'm particularly proud of it - just too hung over to write my own intro for this year. Christ, all I did was destroy six large bottles of black German beer, and they seem to have exacted their revenge in a brutal way - nazi bastards! Anyway, here are the details, my personal almanac, for my reinvigorated TEFL Tradesman of 2009.

Firstly, let me state that, despite several attempts by the sinister forces of TEFL darkness and destruction to silence Sandy McManus in 2008, this old bugger keeps getting stronger and stronger. That pathetic c*nt of a w*nker known as "Michael Flynn" threw in the towel several months back, as he finally realised that he was wasting his precious time in trying to out dear old SM. Shrewd move, Mikey boy.

More to the point, that most despicable and loathsome slug of the UK Tefl Trade, Paul Lowe (a.k.a. The Windsor Swindler), will be getting his long-overdue come-uppance at a trial in March this year. Further details of this wonderful spectacle will be given at a later date, as the whole thing is sub-judice at the moment, and I have no wish to jeopardise the due processes of the law. Rest assured, however, that an extremely full and frank account of the proceedings will be given on this very blog!

So, what will there be to look forward to on The TEFL Tradesman in 2009? Well, there'll be the usual exposure of the unethical and dodgy charlatans (see above) that appear to infest the whacky world of TEFL in the UK, and these postings will be labelled as 'Spot the Shyster'. See how organised and anal I'm getting in my old age, eh, attempting to classify all my scribblings!

Then there'll be a return of the much-missed 'Crap Jobs!' section, in which I highlight some of the least desirable UK jobs masquerading as "exciting Tefl opportunities!". This time round I'll also be phoning up the scumbags responsible for bringing these awfully underpaid dog's breath of jobs to market, in an effort to understand, insult and humiliate them. Exciting, eh?!

The sort of half-humanistic and stoned-hippie crap that passes as respectable TEFL classroom shenanagins will also be exposed and severely lampooned, in a new section to be entitled 'TEFL Mythodology'. Those of you who are more than half awake will realise that I've made a couple of postings in that category already.

Anything else will be labelled as 'Piles' at the moment, until I can think of a more appropriate title. I'm quite fond of my piles (see piccy alongside - uck!!), as they do keep me company at the most stressful of moments, so the least I could do was give them their own category on this blog.

Oh, and the swearing's got to go - or be toned down at least. Otherwise the wife is gonna grab the modem lead and wrap it round my neck. Something to do with 'assuming parental responsibility', apparently. Or it's no shagging for a month!

So, I look forward to doing a whole lot of shagging, I mean sharing, with you all over the next twelve months!

PS: If you're new to all this Tefl Trade / TEFL Tradesman stuff, just click on these links below and have yourself a quick read.

http://teflblacklist.blogspot.com/search/label/Sandy%20McManus

http://www.tefl.net/alexcase/articles/tefl-trade-best/

Cheerio, comrades...!

The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Teflers - #3

Yes, it's time for one from the old TeflTrade archive again, folks. Well, it is holiday time, and you can't really expect me to bother my addled Tefl-size brain with the task of creating fresh entertainment, can you. So just enjoy this one, the second time around.

I’ll begin this one with a quote, and rather a long one at that, as I’m not feeling too creative at the moment. Hopefully, this defining extract from the Wikipedia will serve as a little preliminary inspiration.

“Put First Things First. Here, Covey describes a framework for prioritizing work that is aimed at long-term goals, at the expense of tasks that appear to be urgent, but are in fact less important. Delegation is presented as an important part of time management. Successful delegation, according to Covey, focuses on results and benchmarks that are to be agreed in advance, rather than on prescribing detailed work plans.”

So, Mr Covey reckons that, does he? So, erm, … see that pile of homework that needs marking? You might think it’s urgent, but Covey reckons it can wait. So drop it, and go off to the pub to think about your long-term goals. Cancel tomorrow’s lesson-planning too, and just indulge in a spot of metaphysical dogme-esque pondering of your own future – perhaps outside the world of EFL?

Of course, if delegation is truly an important part of your time management, you’d best share out the homework with the students – yeah, peer-marking! Now it’s all looking a bit familiar, innit!? This guy was probably a teacher before he found a proper job to do.

Time-management? Obviously it’s essential to get a grip here, so always ensure you’ve got at least two pints in by the time the ‘last orders’ bell rings. Again, effective delegation should ensure that another student is around to pay for the beer – and to carry you home as well, should the need arise.

And don’t forget the other bit about focusing on ‘results and benchmarks that are to be agreed in advance’. No, I don’t think he had students scribbling on desks in mind. I reckon he was rather more into this: tell student A to give her work to student B, whom you have an agreement with to give a decent grade. This will also save you loads of unnecessary agro later on, and will ensure that your student evaluations are pretty good too (remember those long-term goals – to keep your job, no matter what).

And what’s this about casting the ‘detailed work-plans’ into the water? No more lesson-planning .. ever?! Mr Covey, I loves ya! So, if your DOS comes screaming for a lesson plan or two, even a weekly outline, just give him a slap round the face with the Covey book first. Then inform him that you’ve delegated that particular responsibility to the blonde Swiss student who arrived at your class this morning; and tell him that you’ve “discovered a framework for prioritizing work that is aimed at long-term goals”, and you’re off to consider the application of that very paradigm with the student in question at the Lamb and Flag.

It all sounds unmistakably mature and business-like to me.

First Published: Sunday, 11 June 2006

Comments

'Alex' left this comment on 12 Jun 06
You are wicked, Mr Sandy, wicked for taking the pee out of Mr Covey. Sensible business strategy and TEFL do good bed-fellows make. Then there is, of course, the plethora of sensible managers, something else that the TEFL field is famous for....as your scribblings attest.

'Sandy' left this comment on 12 Jun 06
Ah yes, I'd never thought of that - applying Covey's ramblings to the murky management of EFL! Now you've got me all a-pondering, Alex...

'A visitor' left this comment on 12 Jun 06
I worked at a school like this! Seriously! It was weird. Having to get into a contract with the students about what their goals were that semester and what my goals were and resulting in mutually agreed benchmarks for the term.

Actually what happened was I passed out a questionnaire and a bunch of students returned them with the question "Aren´t you supposed to tell us our goals?" and we went back to the coursebook.

'nuff said.

'A visitor' left this comment on 13 Jun 06
Candida, you are SUCH A TART!!

How much do you charge for the full gubbins?

A 'Crap Job!' is (hopefully) just for Christmas!

Does this job qualify for ‘Stinker of the Year’ status? I reckon it does – just take a look and see what Santa is offering on tefl.com today, courtesy of The English Language Centre in York.

Permanent position for Diploma Qualified teacher with minimum 5 years experience in a private language school based in the centre of York. Teaching multinational adult groups. Experience of teaching IELTS/Academic English an advantage.

Minimum: Degree + Diploma/MA Applied Linguistics + 5 years' experience.

Well, it looks OK initially – clearly a ‘professional’ position, needing proper qualifications and a fair deal of experience. So, what sort of salary are they offering for this peach of a Tefl position in the heart of Yorkshire?

From £18,000 + 5 weeks holiday in addition to bank holidays.

Oh dear, oh dear. What shite - 350 quid a week for teaching 30 hours of IELTS and Academic English! AND they’d like an MA as well! That’s about the same salary in York as you’d get for being a chef in a pub, or selling fitted kitchens (look here for more exciting opportunities in the area!).

Anyway, I gave the school a ring, to give them a chance to defend themselves, but they’re all away on their Christmas break now. Such a shame, really … I was in the mood for giving a good slagging off.

Anyway, come January you could ring 01904 672243 and speak to Nick Milner, the unfortunate Director of Studies. Or you might consider calling this snidey-looking little c*nt (see photo alongside), a certain Mr MacDermot, the owner of the school, and tell him what a shyster he is.

Either way - have a very merry Christmas!

The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Teflers [part 2]

Yes, the second of the seven habits of highly ineffective Teflers is “Begin with the End in Mind”. Nothing could be closer to the truth in true Tefl-land, of course, as every single EFL teacher who walks into a classroom has only the idea of walking out of it again in 90 minutes’ time uppermost in his or her mind.

This might not be exactly what Covey, the author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” was waffling on about, but we’re all into adapting resources to our own particular needs, are we not? In fact, Covey had some awful crap such as ‘personal mission statements’ and ‘setting long-term goals’ in mind, but these are so anathema to the average Tefler that they don’t even warrant a moment’s attention – do they!

So, it’s back to the classroom focus, and how we can apply “Begin with the End in Mind”. In my opinion, there are two ‘ends’ that need to be clearly addressed here. Let’s call them Objective A and Objective B, shall we? The first is, as already stated, the end of the lesson; and the other one is that floppy thing between a chap’s legs, often referred to obliquely in the phrase “getting one’s end away”.

However, even if you’re a female Tefler, you can still partake of the charade that is implied in Objective B, namely picking out the horniest students and luring them to your bed for a touch of Total Physical Response (NB: for Celta-belters, this is a teaching technique that was not mentioned in your course). After all, Tefl methodology is no discriminator of gender, especially concerning the extra-curricular type of approach (also known as ‘very personal tutoring’), so please read on, Brenda.

Right, let’s get back to basics, shall we? Having the end of the lesson in mind (Objective A) means that you can dispense with all that rubbish you ever learned about process teaching. No, the product is king here, and the product is achieved when you mumble something about the break coming up, and can somebody lend you a ciggie, please? If nobody rushes forward to squeeze a Marlboro between your frothing lips, you are a crap teacher – simple as that.

That means making them laugh in class, playing loads of games, and ensuring that everybody shouts at each other heartily and nobody really learns much at all. Talk to them about ‘generating classroom energy’ and ‘increasing their self-esteem’; tell them that ‘practise makes perfect’, as you launch into the 93rd role-play on buying a round of Kilkennies or ordering food at a restaurant; and remind them that all EFL teachers enjoy lots of beer and curry at the weekend.

All that nonsense should easily take you through to the end of the lesson, when you can put into practice (or ‘strategise’, as Americans like to say) the techniques necessary for the second goal, Objective B, to materialise. Networking with students in the break is, after all, an essential part of the modern EFL curriculum, as they are usually much richer than you, and you can sponge off them (see paragraph above). They’ll only be here for a few weeks anyway, and they’ll soon forget about that 20 quid you borrowed.

Most importantly, though, you can invite the attractive ones for a bit of extra-mural socializing at your local rub-a-dub-dub, and expose them to the seamy side of the UK drinking scene. Your students will likely be so astounded at the crude nature, the callous anti-intellectualism, and the repulsive countenances of your friends, that they’ll be tempted to consider you an enlightened guru and a sex-god at the same time.

By now you should be just one step away from achieving Objective B (see picture alongside). However, if you still need help from me, send me an e-mail with a bank order for 25 quid attached, and I’ll help you out.


Promise!

The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Teflers

So, there I was in my local bookshop, which is very well stocked with western writings, when the thought hit me (yet again) – write a novel! Yeah! I could just fancy being the next Frank McCourt, or Virginia Woolf. Or anybody, really...

I mean, I could repackage all my blog entries, just rewrite them a bit, and - hey presto! - a best-seller! OK, I'll probably need to add something called a plot, develop a few more than two or three characters, improve the spelling loads, and add some cool, zany pictures (see alongside) to widen the appeal - but that's all! Then I could just publish the whole lot under a snappy title, something like "My Life as a Tefl Turd: Swimming amongst the Sewage". Catchy, eh? No, not the turds, I don’t mean them.

However, just as I was absent-mindedly spending my first advance on a year's supply of Old Holborn and a Brighton & Hove Albion season ticket, an interesting volume caught my agitated eyes - a piece of well-polished prose for the uninspired businessman and graduate capitalist, entitled "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People".

"Wassat?" I hear you ask anxiously. Well, it’s one of those so-called ‘self-help’, kid-psychology books, published about 15 years ago, which "lists seven principles that, if established as habits, are supposed to help a person achieve ‘effectiveness’ by aligning him- or herself to what Covey [the author] calls ‘true north’; principles of a character ethic that, unlike values, he believes to be universal". Cool, eh? Especially that bit about values not being universal, whereas character is, apparently, as permanent as the water in the sea and the hair on my head. Shades of Macchiavelli here, no doubt...

'This is it', I thought, 'just what we downtrodden Teflers need' – a compass that gives ‘true north’; a guidebook for action in modern times, an arm in the struggle against unsympathetic, leather-tongued Directors of Studies and their grizzly, corrupt partners in the grimy Tefltrade, the heartless Principals and gutless owners of those dodgy language schools that make Teflers’ lives so disenchanted.

So, after a good deal of ponderous thought, and several bottles of Old Speckled Hen, here it is – the Sandy McManus version. I present, dear reader, for your further edification - The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Teflers.

Let’s start with Habit Number One, shall we? In the original, Covey states 'Be Pro-Active', and recommends an attitude of initiative-taking, comparing this to the less effective, but more common 'reactive' stance. However, we’re talking Tefl here, aren’t we, so we need to take these ever-so-slightly unsuitable materials and adapt them, skewing them a little more towards our own perversely particular aims and objectives.

So, here’s my original Rule Number One – Don’t Be Pro-Active!

After all, you don’t get paid any more, do you? So forget all that lesson planning, and go entirely dogme, taking your cue from the first poor sod of a student that turns up in your class and interrupts your peaceful Tao-like staring out of the window. Put his first ignorant utterance on the board, and when the next student arrives, you can ask him to correct it. (Taking this approach with the homework also works wonders, by the way, as you’ll never have to correct another piece of illegible student scribble again.)

When the rest of the class finally arrive, get them all to write the first thing that comes onto their heads on the board, and then they can all take turns in correcting each other’s garbled sentences. When you’ve got the grammatically-correct versions written up (this could take a good while – up to an hour or so), you can get them to do a couple of old-fashioned drills. And don’t let anybody ever say that you’re not eclectic in your choice of activities!

After that, it must be time for a break. Again, don’t lose sight of your objectives here – use that Pro-Active Passivity approach, and plan ahead. It’ll save you lots of graft in the future. Get the students to roll your ciggies for you, and invite them to add any substance they choose. Tell them there’s a prize for the most interesting spliff – a night with you in your local, for example (a long as they bring at least twenty quid along, of course). And spend the break networking with the students, breathing in the soft smoke of freedom and misapplied linguistics.

After the break, you should all be suitably interested in a giggle session – but don’t let’s forget our approach, eh? Switch on the cassette recorder, and get the lot down on tape. When they’re fed up with that, play it back as a sort of stream-of-(semi)consciousness dictation. Then pin the best version onto the wall, and all sit in a circle on the floor reciting it. All this lark should take up the rest of the lesson, and then you can all fall into the pub together and try and bag off with whoever takes your fancy.

Got that? Good. Let me know how it goes, eh?

Coming Next: Rule #2 - Begin with the End in Mind

First Published: Sunday, 30 April 2006