Greetings from Asbury Park?

Well, it's not quite the Asbury Park that I was expecting - and it's nothing like the Asbury Park that Broooooce made famous - but the McManus family's annual caravanning experience is currently under way at the place pictured alongside. Wish you were here?

BTW, I've been far too lazy to publish my annual warning about working on ripoff summer schools, so I'll just refer yous all to my previous apology for a very similar dose of torpor. Now that I'm "down with the pikeys", I seem to have lost all enthusiasm for blogging. Lucky I'm still a dedicated Tefler, though, eh!?

Outbreak of Activity at Windsor English!

Does anybody remember 'The Windsor Swindler'? I thought not. Well, just when you thought all the slime had dribbled back into the tin, it pops its lid up again! Paul Lowe, I mean. Yeh, that's the old bastard alongside...

Yes, our most favourite Tefl Slug is now firmly back on the Tefl Trail, after a brief but unsuccesful detour into the B&B trade. Paul Lowe has recently advertised on tefl.com for a few gullible Tefl Twerps to join him at Lowe Mansions, a.k.a. Windsor English, in his defecatory pedagogical ponderings across the Windsor skyline.

However, it seems that Paul's still on 'the medication', as the ad features a few howlers. Can you spot them...?

English Teacher - Windsor English

Location Windsor UK, United Kingdom

Deadline Thursday 18. May 2000

Experience 1 year

Positions 3

Details

English Teachers URGENTLY needed to fit in with a close-knit team of friendly teachers and students. Year-round position to the right person

Qualifications - TEFL Cert.

1 year experince minimum - Dip preferred

Needs to be local to Windsor

Compensation - £17 per hour

Of course, dodgy Paul does not even know what year it is, and fails the basic literacy test by spelling 'experience' wrong! Silly boy, Paul - you only had to copy the word from the form!

And despite apparently advertising for three teachers, he claims there's only ONE permanent position available TO the right person ... rather than FOR the right person. Sadly it appears that all those copywriting skills Paul presumably acquired during his years in the advertising business have been lost.

Anyway, if you fancy availing yourself of Paul's almost generous offer of 17 smackers for each hour of classroom capers - paid (hopefully) in a brown envelope at the end of the week - here's the number to call.
01753 858995
Just tell him that Sandy sent you. I'm sure he'll be delighted!

Revolutionary Tefler Needed...

Pissed off you missed out on the Spanish Civil War by a few decades? Fancy Syria instead? Well, Inlingua can help you!

Jobs in Syria

inlingua Aleppo offers English Teaching jobs.

The teacher should be native speaker (American or British), reliable ,dynamic and able to teach both Business and General English.

For more information please contact us at: dos@inlingua-sy.com

Yes, I know that there are many Tefl Twerps who went off to teach in Spain after reading Orwell's 'Homage to Catalonia', and then returned home severely disheartened, after learning that the International Brigades had long been abandoned. Well, cheer up, fellahs, there's no reason to sit at home regretting that cruel twist of fate that led to you being born around 60 years too late!

Thanks to the generosity of Inlingua, who proudly claim 'Inlingua - crossing language barriers' as their slogan, you can now also risk crossing the mortality barrier by getting a large hole in your head while shouting 'Allahu Akhbar' or some such religious nonsense. Yes, leave that large red and black anarchist flag at home and dress yourself up in an oversized pair of green curtains. Then launch yourself out on the the dusty streets of Aleppo, between classes of course, and wave a dog-eared copy of Headway Pre-Intermediate at the Syrian Army in a menacing way.

I can guarantee you'll become a martyr almost instantly. Liz and John will be proud of you, and you'll almost definitely get a posthumous mention in the EL Gazette.

And all that time you spent reading 'The Spanish Civil War' will NOT have been in vain!

Taming the bastards with the active voice

There's an article in this month's issue of the EL Gazette that has had me seeing red. I mean, some Tefl twerp called Adam Wilson seems to think he has the right to lecture us Tefl Tradespeople on how to be nice if we want to keep on top of our obnoxious foreign teenagers when trying to teach them a bit of English. Cheek!

For example, look at the following piece of wanky liberal claptrap masquerading as 'classroom management' (or it might be the equally awful and misguided 'student-centred learning'):

"Explain to your students what you are doing - and why"

That's wrong, Adam babes - just plain wrong. No, what you need to tell them is that YOU are the teacher, and they are the fuggin' students, and all they need do is OBEY your orders. There's no point in attempting to explain to them how your carefully-planned activities are fully in accord with Vygotsky's theory of ZPD, as (a) the stupid little bastards will not understand a word, and (b) you've probably screwed it all up or forgotten about poor Lev anyway. And admit it, saying that you're just following what it says in the Teacher's book is probably not going to inspire your evil scrotes one bit, is it?

Poor Adam goes on with his misguided advice by stating that, when faced with intransigent teenagers, "another possible solution is to reward young learners appropriately". I mean, did you notice that pathetic 'young learners' phrase creeping in there? Why not just refer to them as 'snotty-nosed foreign brats', which is exactly what they are?!

And as for the actual prospect of offering the scrotebags rewards as a sort of bribe for behaving well, I say this: they should be bringing in tributes to the teacher, not the other way round. No, mate, you've got it all arse about face, as the balance of power stands tipped firmly in Mr T's favour, innit.

In my experience, a regular thrashing of the worst-behaved students will have the rest of the class fawning over you at the end of the lesson, offering to buy you cups of tea and thrusting chocolate bars in your general direction. This is the way God intended classrooms to be, and I know that for a fact, 'cos a Mormon told me once.

In fact, the only effective tool that the professional Tefler needs to carry everywhere is his voice - the louder, the better. Of course, weapons can be hastily assembled from the usual armoury of board markers, large heavy dictionaries, and sharp pencils, but these should only be employed when the initial blasts of brutal Anglo-Saxon 'Englisc' have failed to tame the mob of dark-skinned inbreds who are your students.

Try walking in to your next lesson screaming "Where is your bloody homework, you slimy little sons of whores?!" and you will notice the difference immediately. And "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" can be surprisingly effective when repeated at great volume, especially at the levels from Beginner to Intermediate.

The Merennas and the Caparellis...

I'm happy to be back with another story of Tefl crime and corruption, this time from one of our European neighbours. Please keep these stories coming in, dear Tefl spooks, as we need to do out best to protect ourselves from these swindlers, villains, and charlatans!

*******

Bruno Merenna is the prime representative of a country. That sentence also works without the final syllable.

Wanna make a wad of cash at other people’s expense? Bruno, his Daddy Giuseppe Merenna and partner-in-crime (literally) Quirino Caparelli stole a bunch of English materials and founded Worldwide School (Via Salaria 225, Roma). No need to pay the teachers – most of them will be back in the homeland soon, plus Italy’s the most notoriously corrupt country this side of the Third World. And when the injunctions start pouring in, what do you do? Close down and say you never heard of anyone.

Yes, the Merennas have shifted everything to Redford ‘Educational’ Center (Viale Regina Margherita, Roma, tel. 0039-06-0696039211) while Caparelli has a brand new cowboy outfit Michigan Center (Viale Casalina 1769, tel. 0039-06-45541110). Phone Caparelli and he’ll tell you to go to Bruno. Go to Bruno and he’ll deny knowing you, physically assault you and report you to the police for trespassing.

Thank you and God bless.

More info on these shysters and scammers here:

Like many English people in Italy I am struggling to survive in the face of spiralling prices (not salaries of course) and irregular work. Last year I worked for a school 'WorldWide' which never paid me correctly:

The first month's pay arrived 30 days late as I was about to leave for my holiday in England and 'the boss was unavailable' so they made me wait then finally give up and spend my holiday unpaid. On returning I telephoned - no answer - I telephoned the next day - they said come in TOMORROW - then they gave me a cheque (50 Euros too low) to be cashed THE FOLLOWING DAY.

The second month's pay arrived ten days late and 75 Euros too low. The third month (September) I earned 1,900 Euros to be paid on 10 October. I received 1,000 Euros on 25 October and was told the rest would 'arrive shortly'. So I resigned at the end of the month - with September's outstanding pay (900 Euro) plus October's (1200 Euro) unpaid. On 10 November I met Giuseppe Merenna, the CEO of the company in charge ('Project and Consulting Company'), and his son Bruno. Giuseppe said he was fed up with my 'whinging' and I could go on chasing him and he could go on avoiding me - OR he'd make me an offer. Not much of a choice. The offer was a cheque post-dated to 24 November for the 900 Euro; then October's 1200 Euro to follow in 2 instalments (23.12.10, 23.1.11). Clearly I had to accept.

When 24 November arrived I patiently went to the bank to cash the cheque, and to my disgust discovered it was not covered by funds! In a rage I burst into the school and as they saw I was beside myself they paid it in cash from the safe. The remaining two instalments have not arrived and clearly never will. I telephoned Giuseppe and he made excuses; I went to the school where they ignored me, then derided me, and finally said the money would be transferred to my bank account. Of course it wasn't.

Giuseppe has not responded to a letter from my lawyer nor even a judge's injunction - and as he has closed 'Project and Consulting Company' they have nowhere to send the bailiffs. Meanwhile, the school has changed its name (now Redford Center) and when I civilly approached Bruno to enquire his plans, he (a) denied knowing me, (b) threatened to attack me physically, and (c) called the police, telling them I was creating trouble.

The Redford secretary told me to ask for payment from another WorldWide boss, a Quirino Caparelli, who has now founded another school (Michigan): he told me to ask for payment from Redford! When I told him I was prepared to continue legal action, he said, 'Do what the hell you like, I don't care.'

Searching the Internet these people have a long history of fraud and NO ONE STOPS THEM.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQTQakFxDGQ,

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=137719399604830,

http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/1996/maggio/25/Truffe_immobiliari_continuo_aumento_Nasce_co_10_9605251993.shtml,

http://www.ciao.it/Opinionisulprodotto/WORD_WIDE_SCHOOL__2498967...

*******

There should be more to follow on this one soon. Watch this space!

Regency - End of an Era?

Regarding the subject of my previous posting, Regency Language School, this is the message that appeared on their Facebook page last week.

Regency College English Language School

We regret to tell you that Regency College has closed. Thank you to everyone who has worked and studied with us. We wish everyone luck and success with what happens next.

This was, of course, very brave of Toby Lindsay (pictured alongside), the self-styled management ‘expert’ and driving force behind this set up. He posts a terse message, a few days after the college’s doors had already closed suddenly and forever, leaving many staff and students none the wiser as the why they had lost their jobs or money. How brave!

What’s clear is that Toby and the other Regency management snakes have no intention of informing all the interested parties as to just WHY they have suddenly gone belly-up. Perhaps they have something to hide? And why did they delete their Facebook page the day after posting the message?

Well, my inside sources claim that the official reason for the closure is that the school had its license to sponsor students for more than 11 months revoked by the UK Border Agency because it had failed to apply for the necessary Highly Trusted status by the due date. In fact, Regency didn’t even apply for it, apparently maintaining it didn’t know it needed to.

The truth here, though, is that putting the blame on UKBA is more of a convenient excuse than a reason. Toby and his gang of shysters have also been under investigation for some while (see my posting below) for allowing - or rather, encouraging - many of its students to work illegally, against the stipulations of their entry-visa conditions, with the full knowledge of the school managers.

A former teacher at the school has stated this: “The students typically work as cleaners in nightclubs or have jobs in hotels as chambermaids, or as cooks and waiters in restaurants etc. - all this is common knowledge at the school.”

What’s also common knowledge at the school is that Toby runs Gulliver, Regency College’s very own ‘work experience’ company, which has been charging these same students for finding them placements, despite them not having the requisite visas.

Oh dear, Toby – naughty boy! Thought you had a nice little earner here, didn’t you? Thought you were so smart and cool.

And now you’re pants.

Anyway, those interested parties can find more information, and discover how to contact the snake, by looking at the links below.

Regency on Wikipedia

Regency's Demise - reported in The Argus

Toby on LinkedIn

Toby at Sussex University

Toby on Twitter

Toby's NEW company! (registered just three months ago)

Toby the Management Expert!

Oh, and by the way – Toby's mobile number is 07530 507030. Why not give him a call? I'm sure he'd appreciate a chat!

Regency College, Brighton

Not a lot of people know this, but Sandy has a network of Tefl spies peppered around the South coast of England, where dodgy outfits outnumber the bona-fide schools by about 2:1. My latest damning intelligence report concerns a rather vile little setup in Brighton, Regency College.

We'd like to nominate Regency College in Hove, Brighton, as a candidate for Crap Employer of the Year. The senior teachers there, Andy and Sheena, offer little support to new teachers, even for teachers coming in who are newly qualified, just having got a CELTA. Yes, there are complete novices there, straight out from the CELTA classroom. They just wanted somebody who would accept all the students that none of the other teachers wanted - a most noble educational sentiment!

As for the other management, the D.O.S is hardly ever in the school building, but this may well be to her partner having passed away recently. However, her deputy, Mary the ADOS, is aggressive, shouting at students and teachers alike, and generally serves only to create a hostile atmosphere. She likes to employ methods of 'psychological bullying' intimidating and undermining less experienced teachers, making comments like 'where are all our important teachers?' when only the newbies are around. Motivations skills like that must be very hard to acquire!

The students are given precedence and power over teachers, even to the extent of some teachers feeling bullied and unable to do their jobs properly. More worryingly, many of the college's students are working illegally against student visa regulations, with the full knowledge of the school managers. They typically work as cleaners in nightclubs or have jobs in hotels as chambermaids, or as cooks and waiters in restaurants etc. - all this is common knowledge at the school.

Other staff have reported being offered a job in writing and then having it retracted at the last minute, while the teacher was on the way to the school to sign the contract itself. One teacher was offered a contract which was then withdrawn it as the management shifted their schedule round to keep certain teachers on.

Teachers' morale is generally low there, with everyone looking out for themselves - even to the extent of hiding new teachers' administration papers so it looks like they are at fault. In general it's a nasty place to work, and best avoided.

Clearly this is a dodgy outfit that needs to be be checked out. We have accordingly informed the British Council and UKBA, and look forward to co-operating with them soon.

So, sounds like a cracking place to work, eh?! What do you have to say in your defence, Regency?

'CrapJobs!' for an Indian Summer!

I would like to offer my sincere apologies for this belated battering of summer school ‘Crap Jobs!’, but adverse circumstances put themselves in my way. If you had the misfortune to walk into one of these nightmare jobs, paying 'Indian-style' wages, please leave a comment below and apprise us of your personal horror!

First up is the Eckersley School of Oxford, a dignified Tefl institute that, according to the advert on tefl.com, “has a long history of learning and teahing” [sic]. Clearly, though, the school has no extended background in correct spelling or proofreading. It also claims that “many of our staff have a long history with the school”, which probably means in excess of six months.

Anyway, this outfit was offering Celta-belters a mighty £13.60 per hour for 21 hours of classroom capering, resulting in an impressive weekly paycheck of ... 285 quid!! In my view, any Tefl job that pays less than 300 quid a week is still living in the 1990s, when it was possible to earn that sum for the usual timetable of 25 contact hours per week.

If you’re interested in making an early application for next year’s round of summer shenanigans, try contacting the Academic Manager, Jackie Halsall, on 01865 721268. I’m sure she’d be happy to lie through her teeth and kid you what a wonderful experience the whole things is!

Next in the queue of awful summer employers stand the infamous cheapskates OISE, who were offering a measly 280 quid for 22.5 hours of intensive classes in small groups, which works out as less than 12.50 an hour!! In admission of this truly derisory financial offering, the tefl.com advert proudly states that “Newly-qualified teachers are welcome, and will be supported.” Clearly no experienced teacher would consider going near the place, then.

In my experience this company are exceedingly shifty. So the statement that “Contracts generally offer ... some leisure supervision in the afternoon on a rota basis” needs to be treated with extreme caution, as there’s no mention of any payment for these rota duties. The same goes for this – “There is a Saturday excursion, for which supervision duties are available on a voluntary basis for extra payment”. This ‘extra payment’ is a mere £50.00, which is around minimum wage level!

Still interested in this ritual humiliation? Well, please call 01865 258323 and ask to speak to Duncan Jamieson, the ‘Academic Mangager’ [sic], who also appears to have a problem with his English.

Last up is the well-loathed Devon School of English, who are already familiar to readers of the pages of this blog. This bunch of shysters were offering a true financial slap in the face – 299 quid a week (the same they were paying in Easter 2009), from which they deduct £35 to cover your accommodation!

The thoroughly obnoxious Bret Hawthorne is the boy to contact here, on 01803 559718, if you’d like to pre-book this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

So there it goes – or went, rather. But perhaps you had an even worse wage or experience this summer. Feel like sharing it with us? Please do!

Crap Jobs, British Council style...

Yes, it looks like the British Council is really scraping the barrel recruitment-wise. One of their recent adverts proudly claims a need for 10 newly-qualified Tefl twerps for Cairo – no experience needed at all!!

Of course, there was a time when BC only accepted highly experienced and well-qualified teachers, but now a greenhorn – no, TEN greenhorns! – will have the lucky chance of being inducted into the BC House of Horrors. As the advert states...

No post-certificate experience is needed; this programme is for teachers without the two years experience we usually ask for.

To which we have to ask ... why? Maybe, just possibly, there’s a financial reason lurking behind all this. After all, the salary is a measly 1100 quid a month, and there’s NO accommodation allowance – so you can kiss a lot of that money goodbye immediately. Mind you, there is the very heart-warming promise of “Assistance provided in finding accommodation plus reasonable time off in first two weeks for this purpose”. There you go – that’s BC being generous for you!

And they’ll have you work your butt off for them too – teaching up to 20 hours a week in the first six months, and then the standard 25.

Of course, if that’s not bad enough for you, try this other one, in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. It’s allegedly a ‘local contract’, which is why it offers no baggage allowance or airfare at all – and no accommodation allowance either! But of course, if you just happen to be there already...

As the advert admits, “For a poor country, Tanzania is surprisingly expensive.” So trying to live on the measly BC salary of LESS than 1000 quid a month (in a declining local currency) might be very difficult indeed.

So, does anybody else have any Crap Jobs from the BC camp? Sandy would be very interested in checking them out, seeing as he’s got a LOT of free time on his hands right now!

Six Weeks in Chokey!

So how can I possibly explain my sudden and unexpected absence? Suffice to say I was obliged to spend a few weeks entertaining the lads in a certain establishment of Her Majesty, not too dissimilar to the pristine hallways of the residential institution pictured alongside. And of course, the offer of free food and lodgings, together with the chance of a little homegrown whacky baccy (courtesy of Mr Screw) to help while away those long summer evenings, is not to be sniffed at, is it?

Anyway, I had NO IDEA that selling 'genuine replica IELTS certificates'on the internet was a crime - really, I didn't! I just looked on it as a small source of extra tax-free revenue, and doing my least capable students a little favour when they couldn't quite hit the high notes. Shame, really ... and it was all going so well.

Anyway, now that I am back (released at 13:00 hours today) I can confirm that the normal disservice to the Tefl Trade will be resumed soon. In fact, I have a couple of neat stories concerning BC and several crappy summer school employers to share with you.

But not the whacky baccy - I ain't sharing that!