'Crap Jobs!' for (erm...) August!

OK, I know this monthly summary of the good, the bad, and the downright fuggin' ugly Tefl salaries on offer is more than a tad late already, but so what? I mean, is there any sane teacher out there who would actually consider applying for one of these dogshit jobs?

Oh, right ... I see.

Job	Nuthouse	Wonga
1-to-1 Teacher	King Street College, London	£20 per hr
Academic Manager	Margate Language Centre	Not Given
Academic Manager	EF, London	Not Given
Academic Manager	London Meridian College	Not Given
ADOS	Malvern House, London	£23-24k
DOS	Berlitz, Manchester	£22-£26k
DOS	IH, Belfast	£20 - £22k
EAP Teachers	EF, Oxford	Not Given
EFL Teacher	London Empire Academy	£10-15 per hr
EFL Teacher	Inlingua, Manchester	Not Given
EFL Teacher	Belgravia College, London	£10 per hr
EFL Teacher	TTI School, London	Not Given
EFL Teacher	Inlingua, Swansea	Not Given
EFL Teacher	EF, Cambridge	Not Given
EFL Teacher	ELT, London	£12.40 to £15.50 per hr.
EFL Teacher	Inlingua, Cheltenham	£20k
EFL Teacher	ABC School, London	£10 per hr
EFL Teacher	London Meridian College	£19-21.5k
EFL Teacher	King Street College, London	Not Given
EFL Teacher	West London Business College	£11.00 - £14.00 per hour
ESP (Law) Teacher	BBSI, Bournemouth	£19 - £20k
Senior Teacher	Bloomsbury International	Not Given
Senior Teacher	Berlitz, Manchester	£17,500-£18,500
TOEFL Teacher	Kaplan Aspect, London	18.69 per hr

Anyway, let's get straight on with dishing out the honours, shall we? I mean, for starters, how many of these esteemed TEFL employers are being a shade too secretive about the attractive salaries they're offering? Ten, it appears. Clearly they're worried about being deluged with applications if they publish their generous rates of pay, so I congratulate them on making the sensible decision to merely whisper 'salary on application', or similar. Cunts.

The other usual suspects are also there, namely BBSI in Dorset, who somehow think that they'll get an experienced legal wizard to work for them for an unbelieveably miserly 19 thousand quid a year. And Berlitz in Manchester - what about them, eh?! Offering a mighty 1500 quid a month for a Senior Teacher position - baah!! Cunts the two of them.

The traditional Sandy McManus 'Golden Fuck-off Award' goes to those providers of EFL tuition who manage to pay ten quid an hour or less, and this month I shall be informing the following schools of their entry (or permanent inclusion) in the McManus Hall of Infamy - the London Empire Academy, the ABC School, London, and the Belgravia Academy, London. You lot are cunts too.

13 ways to impress your students

I've been very glad to see that there are certain teachers on the TES forums who possess the same caring-sharing attitudes towards their students that I do. The brief excerpt below, containing suitable teacherly responses to the usual student complaint that “This is boring… !!” has been ever so slightly adapted to fit the EFL context. But the sentiments are as true as they have ever been.

"This is boring!!"

1. “Yeah, but not as boring as detention…”
2. “Bored are you? Let me check my ‘bovvered drawer’ (search in drawer) ‘nope, that’s empty” 3. “Good!”
4. “Maybe it is, but it needs to be finished by the end of the lesson so that you can go out to break.”
5. “Then make sure you learn it thoroughly… it’ll be even more boring if you have to revise it for a resit”!
6. “I didn’t realise you like me so much. Four lessons a week isn’t enough for you but hey, if you want to make it five during your lunch break, then I guess there’s not a lot I can do about it, except be flattered”
7. “Nope…..YOU are bored. There’s a difference.”
8. “What is that hideous noise? … Oh, it’s you.”
9. “I’m sure you’re trying to tell me something, but I’m not sure what.”
10. “What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? (gestures at self with both thumbs and smiles!)
11. "... so is listening to you whine, but you're making me do that."
12. "... not as boring as the job you'll end up with if you don't pass."
13. "Get out of my sight you ignorant little pustule. You have the fascination of the texture of a genital wart yourself, so how dare you suggest that my pronouncements on the glorious English language are not engaging and delivered out of a genuine desire to advance the well of human understanding in the community of global communication!?"

Eastbourne School of English

I received a fine piece of 'intelli' the other day regarding another crackpot TEFL outfit, this time on the south coast of England, an area that seems to suffer from a glut of such cranky tinpot businesses. So, step forward and take a bow, please ... the Eastbourne School of English, in particular the apparently litigous Principal, Graham Shite (that's him alongside), who appears to take a peculiarly unpleasant attitude towards his staff and students alike.

This school is an absolute bloody shower, particularly the management. After a Christmas break, one brilliant and exceptionally popular teacher was told he couldn't go back to work because the staff and students didn't like him. When pressed on details, the Principal refused to give any. When politely pressed again, he decided to send a solicitor`s letter to the teacher threatening legal action!

Even worse, one male student who was accused of sexually assaulting a female student was simply passed on to another school, without warning the institution of his background, where he then proceeded to get a 14-year old girl pregnant.

In the same vein, another male student tried it on with a 16 year old girl, who rebuffed him. He then complained to the management. Incredibly, the female student was then told that she had to leave the host family she was sharing with the aforementioned student!

There have also been problems with disabled students (both physically and 'special needs'), who frequently turn up only to find there are no suitable facilities for them.

All of the above problems have stemmed from staggeringly poor management. These shameless and despicable people really need to be held to account!

Actually, I'm really glad that this school has had the spotlight turned on it, albeit somewhat belatedly, as I once did a summer stint there. In fact, it was during that balmy summer of ... ooh, a good while back, that I first met the 'teacher' who was to become ... English Droid!

And the good news is that - he's back! No, not at Eastbourne, which would be a disaster of humungous proportions, as I'm sure you'd agree. No, in fact the stupendously hilarious English Droid blog has somehow reinvented itself, after an extended vacation of a couple of years or more, and made a reappearance here.

Unfortunately I am not the first to discover English Droid's renaissance, and his welcome return has already been widely reported around the TEFL blogosphere. One regular blogger even referred to the English Droid blog as having "more wit and less filth than the TEFL Tradesman" (thanks, Darren!), and the compliment has been duly noted.

Bastard!